What's on your mind right now?

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I'm untangling a bunch of beige yarn. It's quite relaxing.

Food.. I'm hungry but caught between eating , waiting for iPad to charge, drinking and how much my mouth will hurt eating salt. I want to watch seconds from disaster. Waiting for mental health to email my ASD diagnosis letter. Omg my mind is going b zerrk...

I'll be going to bed tonight, proud that I stayed away from coffee today.

What's autoplay? I've seen it on YouTube.

I want the leave.

But they will worry if I leave. I simply know they will.

So I stayed...

Makes me wished I didn't care.

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Waiting for a visit. Watching TV. Wondering what to eat next

Finding different types of of internal fire.

There's the kind that translates to passion.
There's the kind that translates to aggression.

And then there's the kind that translates to purification.


All can be equally overwhelming.

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I’m just saying “forget it” (just for today) and having pizza and Mountain Dew for lunch today. I’ve been told it’s most likely the chemo/steroids that made me gain weight anyway, that might well mean it won’t make a difference anyway.

'Studying' heads.
No, it's not (not really) anatomy itself. Or how heads literally and metaphorically works.

I don't know.
I kinda aim to... Study the face. It's parts, it's expressions, 'why or how' does a face led to look that way...
Not sure. I may seem to be going fast, but it's slow.


I'm also studying my own head, it's eyes and hands over the pen and paper.
Trying to see this-- this unconscious like 'style' of sorts. Mainly concerned with processing proportions.


Sigh.
Ever since that one simple tutorial, something sort of clicked. Then I ran with it.

Before, I tried to learn it myself. I just kept quitting then coming back, then quitting... It's a weird cycle of frustration and longing.

Never lasted for a week.
I want to know, if this lasts for a month or more...

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Maybe tomorrow.

Hungry - don't feel like cooking yet. Perhaps cause I just got up. I'm glad it's not screaming hot this morning but probably a bit too cold, I feel emotionally miserable

What video game to vicariously play. I love that I can just watch other people play games on Youtube. It’s almost like I’m playing, except I don’t have to have a device the game will play on, I don’t have to be any good, and I don’t spend hours getting lost (sometimes literally, even on occasion running around in circles and not realizing it, anyone who says all Aspies are good with directions clearly hasn’t met me ). But I’m not really in the mood for any of the ones I’m currently “playing.”

Don't know how to say this without sounding braggy but I feel like some other people don't have as close knit families as the one I have.

There's good and bad to that of course, they probably have greater freedom & sense of themselves as individuals. That's probably why they're good at forming friendships too - chosen families.

But I really like knowing my place in the family order & my interdependence with my extended family.

Mum wishes we were all closer. She wishes that she never left my hometown where I grew up and where she did. But we're in the same county now so she goes over and lives with granddad two nights a week despite not living in the same town.

I'm listening to The Lonely Bull by The Ventures. I'm not doing myself any favours. Perhaps, I'll lighten up in 15 minutes time.

Today was a good day.

I finished thesis revisions. Its ready to be sent out tomorrow morning to my committee. All that is left is to make a short presentation and prepare for January 21st defense.

Out of the blue I was essentially contacted by a recruiter for a job. Late last year I tried to get a job with this same company through a current employee referral. Hiring freeze killed that. But now independently, another current employee contacted their grad school adviser for recruitment of another position opening soon and they pointed them to me. This office would only be 40 minutes away instead of 3 hours. Talk about an easy relocation if it happens. Just got to not blow the interview. . I haven't interviewed in years.

Oh and I finished Outer Wilds.

Thinking about going for a sleep. Ugh.. I'm always tired