What's on your mind right now?

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Having a bad day?

A wish both selfish and selfless.

And a wish that everyone can agree on deep down.

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Me and my partner at work were talking about autism and I mentioned that I'm autistic. She didn't act weird about it, but I still am a bit nervous after that. I hope she doesn't treat me different after I mentioned that.

MR's appointment.

Had a vacation planned but it looks.like I'll be having surgery instead.

At.the moment getting rid of the pain seems more appealing than vacation.

I feel lonely and depressed.

I’m stressing out about many issues.

First, this entire Federal debt limit issue. I’m already taking heat from a couple of neighbors for not saving money for my retirement, or for saving money for my rent. How can I when roughly 60% of my SSDI check goes to rent, insurance, medical and loans? By the middle of the month I’m broke. Chances are I’ll be evicted the first time I don’t pay my rent. The loans and credit card bills I might be able to have paid off by the debtors, since I now suffer stage 3 kidney disease, as well as autism, t2 diabetes, bipolar 1 and PTSD. the medication they usually prescribe for stage 3 kidney disease, Farxiga, nearly put me in the morgue, the last time I was prescribed it to treat t2 diabetes.

While I recently changed medical providers, as well as Medicare insurance from part c, to PACE, I’m not exactly thrilled with the length of time it takes to make an appointment with a specialist. Granted, all the appointments, surgeries, as well as the medications and durable medical equipment are free, but the time to schedule the appointment is horrendous!

a couple weeks ago, daniel at work, almost hit my worthless corpse with a car. he could've parked anywhere else. plenty of parking spots. he could've waited for me to move. instead, he just "had" to park over there, at that time. (impatient and lazy). the next day, in the lockerroom, he nodded to me, like he had never done jack s**t wrong before in his "life". in return, i just clicked my tongue and did not tell him anything verbally or physically touch him. then he had the nerve to bark some ebonics ("bro") @ me from across the room, but i did not answer him. yesterday and today, in the lockerroom, the lil dipshit had the nerve to bark @ me from across the room again, except to other employees. it appears that he has a lot of precious lil "friends". and my worthless corpse has zero friends. but his friends did not appear to care or believe what he said.

paranoid the lil dipshit will get my worthless corpse made redundant. "at will" employer. managers have subconscious biases, just like everyone else. maybe he is having sex with the boss.
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bored with "life". stagnant. hobbies, friends, job.

wanna do something new and fun, not just internet.

Seriously, I'll just go and try mosquito repellent lotions for BABIES since a milder version of the same mosquito repellent still burns.



I also feel lazy under the heat.
Somewhat in less conscious way, worried at myself for sweating and losing water too much.

Hm..
Why is this?

This never happened before.
Not last year, not during pandemic, not before pandemic, not even in my worst years.

Could it be that.. It's "safe" enough for me to start affording intolerance?



I wonder if this is a sign...
If it's this goes bad at first before getting better, or that I'm really getting worse due to age...

I hope the former.
I'm looking forward for the former.
Yet the latter... It never helps.

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I just tried mosquito repellent for babies.
And that it may burn if the skin is dry.

So I just took a bath and...

It still burns.

WTF.



Am I allergic or something?

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An imprudent amount of walking or running.

I am really tempted to buy a gun, which is probably the point where I should tell someone IRL I'm suicidal and pretty much ready to kill myself, before I can, y'know, go to the next step, get a gun and end up set on killing myself. No one really took me seriously when I said I wanted to KMS a month ago though and started treating me like s**t again pretty quick, so I'm not wasting my f*****g energy doing that. If people do that again it's going to hurt again and I'll 100% just kill myself anyways, so what's the point.

{{{FF}}}

I think you should tell someone.

Have you ever been inpatient before?

{{{ FF }}} How can I help you?

Fairfield

What kind of problems are going on for you that makes you consider suicide?

Almost all of the counselors I have gone to, acted like, the correct answer to "how are you doing?" is "perfect". All other answers are wrong and the punishment for a wrong answer is 5150.