I really need to quit fantasizing about living in my own apartment, it’s highly unlikely to ever happen and just rubs that in.
My parents and my therapist really want me to focus on trying to get to the point where I can have a job first, but that’s even less attainable, and ever having a job I will be able to support myself on is about as probable as the sun imploding in the next five seconds. I’m so dang tired of being overestimated and not being able to meet people’s expectations despite going into things with high hopes myself and really, truly putting my all into them (in other words, clearly not self-defeating or anything). The lesson I’ve been taught all my life continues to hold true - my best just isn’t good enough.
_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"