What's on your mind right now?

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More mowing and weeding on the agenda today.

It's already a full blown week for me tomorrow.



I've been in my room for a good portion of the week.

It's not as bad as the first to third day.
But damnit.

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I need to do something other than sleep, I've done nothing but sleep for 2 days because I'm so depressed. I'm trying to not self harm or drink or do anything else self destructive.

I guess that I'm at a point where I'd start regretting drinking caffeinated coffee due to it's effects...

Ah well.
I'll just find decaffeinated alternatives for now on.

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Sometimes I am at peace with being emotionally stupid, but not tonight. Tonight, I hate knowing that I'm clearly feeling something but find myself unable to figure out what it is that I am feeling. It's got to be multiple things at once. I always do worse with more than one feeling at a time. That stuff confuses the hell out of me. And I thought for a minute that maybe I had an idea what it was, but I have no way to know if that's right. And if it is right, is it based in reality or some stupid knee jerk reaction on my end prompted by some past bs that messed me up...my brain tricking me due to crappy past experiences and such. How am I supposed to know these things? How do people do emotions? I don't get it. I never got the 'how to human' handbook. Anyone got one I can borrow?

I gotta try to unpack this mess. I will try to do that. I'll get it figured out or I won't. Meh. Yay alexithymia.

My life feels wrong in a way I can't describe. As if this isn't really my life, that I'm just borrowing it from someone else somehow. That I am living in a shadow of my former self.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow, but I feel like I probably should. I've done nothing but sleep the entire time that I've been staying home.

Hope you're feeling better, Fairfield.
Rest is good.

On my mind:
My laptop charger is burning a hole in my leg and I should likely move it.

I watched a documentary on the diamond industry.
Basically, diamonds are worthless and a dime a dozen.
There.
Now you don't have to watch it.

cupcakes and comeuppance

Finally at work.

I don't give a heck if I "regressed" somehow. I just want to go out.

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I don't get how I'm supposed to just "accept my feelings" and "let them pass" if they're so intense all the time and never f*****g go away.

^ It's more like they don't get what it's like to have emotions you can't regulate.
It's hell.

I feel sorry for all those normies and their wishy-washy emotions that pass in half a minute.

Everything I read about "mindfulness" and s**t like that tells me that I need to learn how to "accept my emotions" and how to "let them pass" which seems like a literally f*****g impossible task. If it was that easy I would have just been doing that this whole time. My emotions don't work like that. I can "accept" them and the fact they suck all I want and it doesn't do s**t besides make them more permanent.