Make an extremely dark joke.

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Mommy can I lick the bowl?

Aliright but at least flush it first this time.

What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick


How do you get a kid to stop swinging on the tire swing?
Snip the rope.


My ex had an accident. I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for him. Finally he’ll experience what rejection is really like.


Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

Jeffrey Epstein lived on the cusp of technological innovations and was fascinated by cryogenics. He wanted both his head and his, er, "member" preserved for later.

That didn't happen, of course, but with the help of his friends he was well-hung for the rest of his life.

Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!


My parents raised me as an only child which really pissed off my brother.


My friend gave me his Epi-Pen while he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it.

What is yellow and black a screams?

A school bus driving off a cliff.


When my time comes I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Rather than screaming in terror like his passengers.

Mummy mummy can I lick the bowl?
No! Pull the chain like everybody else.

Two madmen escaped an asylum and as they were fleeing from pursuers caught up with a Chinese laundryman driving an old Ford truck. They commandeered the machine and would have made good their escape but the motor stalled on a grade crossing right about the time the 5:15 came through at full throttle.

When the policemen and the coroner came to clean up, all they found left were two old nuts and a washer!

Lol just saw that Ezra and I posted the same joke! Great minds think alike!


Mrs Jones! Mrs Jones! Your Jimmy was just run over by a steam roller!

Post him through the letter box will you, I'm in the bath.

Mummy mummy! Do you believe in vampires?

Shut up and drink your blood.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Atlanta Zoo.



You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.



“Just say NO to drugs!”
Well, If I’m talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.

If two out of three people suffer with diarrehia, does that mean that the other one enjoys it?

(I got to laugh. I typed in diarrehia to check how to spell it and the first thing that came up was

"Diarrehia at Amazon.co.uk
Check out our selection and order now.."

Uhmm. Somehow I don't think I will take up on their offer!! !).

--

The man stopped in the middle of the intersection. A fire engine was coming from the front of him, a double-decker bus from the back of him, and on his right and his left two solid walls of traffic. The traffic-light was broken and they were showing no signs of stopping.

There was a noise in the sky: he looked up and saw the news helicopter had stalled its engine & was in rapid descent.

There was only one thing left for the man to do. Seizing the manhole cover, he pried it up and leapt in--just in time to be run over by an underground train.

What's minuscule, pitch-black and knocking at your door?



The Future.

Why are friends a lot like snow? If you pee on them they disappear.



My hubby and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.




Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. For instance, when you push them down the stairs.



One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.

An elderly lady in the bank asked to check her balance so I pushed her over. (It is a joke. I didn't really do that).

What do Ted Bundy and the Space Shuttle Columbia have in common? They both left bodies in four states.



My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.