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Mountain Goat
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23 May 2019, 8:01 am

I believe I am in the middle having some autistic traits but also having many qualities which are not. One of the things where I believe I can't beon the spectrum is that while I am online, I want attention. I have only thought of this just now. Ok, when I am in real life as in face to face I can be the opposite where.... The best way to describe me is if I am walking on the beach and someone else is walking and we should meet, I will change direction to walk aay out the way to avoid it taking place.
Online though, I will keep gojng back to see if someone has answered my reply... It is like I crave attention. This is the complete opposite, so maybe it is just being lonely that I have.
While I don't like crowds and I get stressed with groups of visitors calling, I don't want to live a solitary life. I mean. Just me and my mum , or in the future if I should be married, just me and my wife. I do need the someone there just for the company. Someone to talk to. So in this way I am not autistic either.
Hence why I believe I am somewhere in the middle as I can fiully identify with other aspects but not with those points listed above.
But being neither here or there is very stressful. I mean... There is nothing worse then being almost something. It seems the story of my life. Almost had a medal. Almost had top of the class. Almost... Neither qualify for signing on or signing sick. Almost... Almost! Neither here or there. Almost is a frustrating place to be.

Anyway. I can't actually say if I am on or off the spectrum untill the testing day comss and I don't even know yet when that will be except that the waiting list is around 14 months when I asked. Waiting... Will I make it? Or will I decide to not be assessed rather then avoid the feelings I get when waiting? And why am I so impatient? I do not have a clue!

Sorry. Being in a neither here or there situation makes me feel trapped.


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Trogluddite
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23 May 2019, 8:35 am

Nothing that you've mentioned excludes an autism diagnosis - and nor would their opposites confirm it. It is certainly possible that you have some other condition - few, if any, of the typical autistic traits are unique to it. I would hang on until you are assessed before drawing too many conclusions either way (yes, I know that's easier said than done!)

While there are some autistic people who innately prefer isolation, my impression is that it's not the common case. The problem for most of us seems to be that we want companionship, but that making connections with other people can be very much harder than most other people find it, and that being social is very much more tiring for us, so we have to moderate how much we do it (whether we like that or not.) Being desperately lonely but being at a loss how to improve the situation is one of the most common problems that autistic people report on forums like this one - it's a problem of abilities, not desires.

Refreshing the "new posts" lists to see if you've had a response? I certainly do that all the time, and I'll bet you that we're far from alone here in doing that!

Either way, if you're finding that there are some aspects of your psychology that chime with other people here, you can still benefit from being a member here - and you'll be just as welcome here whether you get an autism diagnosis, some other diagnosis, or none at all.


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BTDT
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23 May 2019, 9:11 am

You haven't noticed the attention seekers on this site?



jimmy m
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23 May 2019, 11:06 am

Trogluddite wrote:
Refreshing the "new posts" lists to see if you've had a response? I certainly do that all the time, and I'll bet you that we're far from alone here in doing that!


That is actually a normal flow for two way conversations that are written. In a verbal conversation people wait for their turn and then respond and put their 2-cents into the conversation, then someone else responds. It is a back and forth communications style. It is the fine art of conversation. The back and forth is how conversations evolve.

But when you click on the box "View Your Post". the link to the search is titled "egosearch". I do find that to be humorous.
[https://wrongplanet.net/forums/search.php?search_id=egosearch]


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Trogluddite
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23 May 2019, 12:01 pm

^ That, and raging anxiety about whether I might have inadvertently annoyed someone or said something stupid! :lol:


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Map84
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23 May 2019, 12:56 pm

Don't see anything in your post that excludes it. Many of us here, probably most are rather "high functioning".


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Mountain Goat
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23 May 2019, 1:04 pm

BTDT wrote:
You haven't noticed the attention seekers on this site?


You mean me? :D :mrgreen: The problem I get is sometimes when I sign up for a site everyone else leaves as I have to be careful I don't talk round the world and back (Especially if I am relating everything to trains).


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Fnord
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23 May 2019, 1:08 pm

Mountain Goat wrote:
BTDT wrote:
You haven't noticed the attention seekers on this site?
You mean me? The problem I get is sometimes when I sign up for a site everyone else leaves as I have to be careful I don't talk round the world and back (Especially if I am relating everything to trains).
There are a lot of attention  REDACTED  seekers on this website, and a lot more enablers of those people, as well.


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jimmy m
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23 May 2019, 1:23 pm

Over 50 years ago, I met someone. He talked for about 3 hours straight. I figured he had years of conversations just bottled up deep inside him that was just waiting to come out. We became close friends and are still friends today.

So that is not seeking attention and you are not an attention seekers, but rather all those conversations are conversations that have never been. They have never seen the light of day. Your storage buffers are full. And you are doing a data dump. You are releasing energy by letting these conversations come out.

This is not an ego reaction but rather a vent. And sometimes talking for hours and hours and hours will drive people away. But that is an Aspie trait. And most of the members of this site are Aspies.


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Mountain Goat
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23 May 2019, 1:39 pm

Thank you all so, so much for the replies.
Trogluddite. I should wait for the assessment. Just get impatient and also on my mind I think sometimes other people are far more important then I am and I could be holding them up from being assessed. But at the same time I am really wanting to know. If I am found to not have it I will feel such a fraud. When I start to get anxious and then get energy loss people think I am faking it as there is no physical indicator to them (E.g. like my leg falling off or something like that). It is so annoying that it happens just when someone asks for help.
Last night was one of those claustrophobic times. It has nothing to do with claustrophobia... I just call it that as I can't describe it other then having feelings that make me a stressed inside which come from a few different directions... Not often I get this. It is the feeling at night when all is quiet but my mind is so awake and alive and also feeling like I want it to be suddenly daylight and everything is active as though my body is tired my mind is not. In the past I have made major mistakes when I have felt like this as I have lost friends or caused people un-neccesary harm. I am far too sensitive. I sometimes try to put things right and it backfires where if I had left things alone it would be ok. (I never am rude. I never try to be hurtful). People just don't understand me when I have tried to put things right. When I get all claustrophobic where past situations come back I just aant to correct the past situations so all can be ok. I think the problem is that other people forget the past and move on. I normally do unless I sometimes (They don't happen that often) feel this way. It is like a build up of of pressure and the desire to put things right because they surface on my mind...

Sorry. I am writing too much. Just me caught up in thoughts. I am tired this evening and it is only 740pm (1940). I think I will have a sleep for an hour or two. I was so awake last night! And then this morning energy loss... Just when I didn't want it. Good job we were early for the event we were supposed to make our presence seen.


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Mountain Goat
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23 May 2019, 1:43 pm

jimmy m wrote:
Over 50 years ago, I met someone. He talked for about 3 hours straight. I figured he had years of conversations just bottled up deep inside him that was just waiting to come out. We became close friends and are still friends today.

So that is not seeking attention and you are not an attention seekers, but rather all those conversations are conversations that have never been. They have never seen the light of day. Your storage buffers are full. And you are doing a data dump. You are releasing energy by letting these conversations come out.

This is not an ego reaction but rather a vent. And sometimes talking for hours and hours and hours will drive people away. But that is an Aspie trait. And most of the members of this site are Aspies.


Oh gosh. When I was in school and college I was mostly dead quiet, and I was mostly the same in the first job. Then by the time I had a job on the railways I talked and talked and talked. And I still talk. When I am unhappy I go very quiet. When I am happy I talk.
I don't have a job at the moment as most of the time I just don't feel up to the stresses of work. So I can't legally sign on to get work. Yet, I am not classed as sick either. Been like this for a few years. I sometimes take temporary part time work that is usually about three or four hours a day two or three days a week, but I find this too much when I get energy loss which usually comes from nurves or stress. Hence why a temporary job is better as it only lasts for a month, so I can have a good rest after it.
The times I have felt the build up of too much energy loss situations I tend to hand in my notice. I do strughle it ojt and work to the end of the notice time but doing that is a real struggle.


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Trogluddite
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23 May 2019, 2:36 pm

Mountain Goat wrote:
I have to be careful I don't talk round the world and back (Especially if I am relating everything to trains)

It's often a case of finding the right people. Most Fridays, I get together to share a few beers with a handful of friends over at one or another's houses. Between us, we can quite happily spend most of an evening talking about the history of the local trolleybus system, what European rail routes are opening/closing, the aircraft of the combatants in the World Wars, what we've discovered from poring over Victorian maps, which walks including interesting old industrial remains, etc... I usually find that if the other person is really enthusiastic about their subject, I'm quite happy to listen, even if it's not a subject I'd have chosen myself - I'm just a glutton for trivia knowledge! I'm practised enough at zoning out to be able cope when they start talking about football!

PS: I'm rather fond of the old Deltics - there's no other loco that makes quite the same racket! And I can still remember seeing the Advanced Passenger Train (APT-P) being (or struggling to) run as a kid. Part of my family comes from around the old railway works town of Wolverton, so maybe it's in the blood a little!


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Edna3362
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23 May 2019, 4:15 pm

Can't be autistic! Cause I couldn't seem to relate! Cause I haven't noticed other member's patterns on how similar they would've felt or think like they're doing!
Cause I don't suffer from anxiety. Cause I don't have a psychological comorbids and trauma. Cause I don't have a lot of nightmares and fears. Cause I'm not clumsy. Cause I don't mask like socially driven females do. Cause crowds not an issue to me. Cause I'm not low functioning enough, like, lack of speech delay and overt stiming. Cause I'm not verbally oriented alexithymic like most aspies do. Cause I don't have this trait.
Cause I believe I'm some partial narcissist because of my unknowingly unfulfillments in life, or that hell of the executive dysfunction keeping me short sighted in some ways that people seem to notice, or that someone accused me of that and I got no real ways of retaliating, and there's no real explanation for it! Etc, etc.

Except I'm officially diagnosed. I've been a denier on both ways before. I would've been easily misdiagnosed then.


Seriously. Every autistics are just... That different.
But even if you don't end up in the spectrum, if you need support, then you need support. This is still a support forum.



Oh, now that the topic of filling off thoughts are brought up, I just realized something.
I just had my fill on 'conversing' stuff and the vents myself. On a more recent terms too in my case. :lol: It works. Seriously. I best thank that person who made me fill that one.


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23 May 2019, 4:28 pm

You are a lot like me. My testing score on the AQ test was 28, putting me in the middle. I do have some strong Asperger traits, with intense special interests being the main one. Anxiety and panic attacks are the main difficulties I face. I am pretty social now, but this wasn't always the case.



naturalplastic
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23 May 2019, 5:48 pm

No autistic, or aspie, has ever been an attention seeker.

That's why I ( officially dxd as aspie) do a public access radio show every week, and used to be a party deejay and emcee at weddings. So I can escape public attention! :lol:



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23 May 2019, 8:59 pm

Trogluddite wrote:
Mountain Goat wrote:
I have to be careful I don't talk round the world and back (Especially if I am relating everything to trains)

It's often a case of finding the right people. Most Fridays, I get together to share a few beers with a handful of friends over at one or another's houses. Between us, we can quite happily spend most of an evening talking about the history of the local trolleybus system, what European rail routes are opening/closing, the aircraft of the combatants in the World Wars, what we've discovered from poring over Victorian maps, which walks including interesting old industrial remains, etc... I usually find that if the other person is really enthusiastic about their subject, I'm quite happy to listen, even if it's not a subject I'd have chosen myself - I'm just a glutton for trivia knowledge! I'm practised enough at zoning out to be able cope when they start talking about football!

PS: I'm rather fond of the old Deltics - there's no other loco that makes quite the same racket! And I can still remember seeing the Advanced Passenger Train (APT-P) being (or struggling to) run as a kid. Part of my family comes from around the old railway works town of Wolverton, so maybe it's in the blood a little!


Didn't have Deltics down here but I quite strongly am almost 100% sure that whe I was shown a train whilst in my pram, as it pulled into my local station that it was a Western diesel in blue. The reason why I remember this from an early age (So it was a year old or less for the pram.. Not older).... I mean why I remember it aas a Western, was that it has slopy ends. I remember quite a lot about my early years. My mum almost threw me out the window as she said I was a baby which didn't stop crying! :D

I didn't like the pram. So claustrophobic. I wanted to see out.


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