Dr., HELLLLP!! !! !

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List a series of odd (made up) medical symptoms that you claim to have, beginning each with "Dr, HELLLP!! !"

I'll start:

Dr, HELLLP!! !

• My tongue has grown into the roof of my mouth.
• I have reddish, ivy-like tendrils growing out of my ears.
• My stomach is speaking to me in Croatian.
• My nose appears to have migrated to my chin.
• My tonsils appear to have grown back.
• My left eye has taken on a conical shape; jutting out about 2," and my right eye now perceives time in reverse.
• For some odd reason: everyone now addresses me as "Curtis" (people I know and total strangers alike), even though that isn't my name at all (even my own mother calls me that now).

Dr, HELLP
-I have a beard on my pinkey.
-A m***et woman has budded from my hip
-I can breathe fire
-A fluffy bird wing has sprouted from my shoulder blade
-My left arm has turned into a katana
-I now know every dialect of Klingon that ever existed

I'm speaking through my belly button now.

I have a belly the width of the Ribble
I have fifteen different chins
My head is green
I speak like Marjorie Dawes off Little Britain
I look like Cherie Blair

Can you help?

Dr, HELLLP!! !

I've turned into a 4-assed monkey!! !

Give it a minute and the monkey gene will subside.

Dr, HELLLP!! !!
-I was bitten by a poisonous kitten!
-I need eye drops! I was blinded by nude photos of Bea Arthur!
-I got my nose broken by the fist of a thalidomide baby!

Who?

*deploying Google Image search.....*

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! !! !! !! !! !! !!

*traumatized for life*

Dr, HELLLP!! !

I also looked at photos of Bea Arthur, causing my eyes to spontaneously combust!

Doctor, Help!!

My fingers are shagging with eachother.

I'm growing a beard.

I have a hungry butt.

I'm talking through my ears.

Doctor, HELLP!

My cat has permanently attached himself to my lap.
I can't stop talking about cats!
I can't stop talking about Roger Bannister!

Doctor, HELLLP!! !! !!
-I have a cookie in my tooth!
-I have a manta ray in my butt!
-A bizarre mutant pod is growing outta my chest and pulsating in a revolting manner!

Help, my brain is melting!!¬