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beneficii
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14 Dec 2013, 1:17 am

My dad taught me about this when I was a teenager, that whenever you say "I'm sorry, but..." you are not really apologizing. I internalized this, and ever since then whenever I hear that non-apology, I cringe and immediately think less of the person using it. I refuse to use it in customer service contexts or in any context at work, even when I see others using it, and overall I think it is just a bad, disingenuous phrase. It's like you're speaking with a forked tongue.


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Who_Am_I
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14 Dec 2013, 2:58 am

I think that's only true if the "but" part is excuse-making.
If you say to a customer "I'm sorry, but we're out of x item", you may very well be genuinely sorry.
If you're a parent saying to a child "I'm sorry you're upset, but I really could not allow you to have that sharp knife", you may very well be sorry that they're upset.
If you say to your friend "I'm sorry I can't come to your party, but I'm afraid I have other plans", you may very well regret not being able to go to the party.


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TallyMan
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14 Dec 2013, 6:41 am

I'm sorry, but I disagree. :P


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b9
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14 Dec 2013, 7:05 am

beneficii wrote:
My dad taught me about this when I was a teenager, that whenever you say "I'm sorry, but..." you are not really apologizing.


to acknowledge that a sentence must be launched with the words" i am sorry" indicates that the utterer of that sentence understands that what they are going to say will result in offense.
one can not claim "oblivious naivete" if they precede what they say with an "apology".

i do not care much for apologies. i have a very limited capacity to feel apologetic.
everything i do, i agree with even a year after. people who are "apologetic" are very likely to be insecure and unstable, and they are simultaneously expressive, and they say things that they later vehemently disagree with and apologize for.

what is an "apology". is it a conscious ego reduction like a weak wolf lying on it's back to show it's throat in submission?
i have no apologies in stock, and i can not think of why i should ever apologize for anything i ever did.

i am capable of crude self remonstration for treading on tender peoples ideas, but i still can not see how they have a road that i can travel on toward their hearts.



beneficii
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14 Dec 2013, 9:44 am

Who_Am_I wrote:
I think that's only true if the "but" part is excuse-making.
If you say to a customer "I'm sorry, but we're out of x item", you may very well be genuinely sorry.
If you're a parent saying to a child "I'm sorry you're upset, but I really could not allow you to have that sharp knife", you may very well be sorry that they're upset.
If you say to your friend "I'm sorry I can't come to your party, but I'm afraid I have other plans", you may very well regret not being able to go to the party.


Apologies are not supposed to represent simple regret, but are supposed to be admissions of wrongdoing and an expression of contrition. In none of your examples is there an admission of wrongdoing.


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babybird
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14 Dec 2013, 1:01 pm

I'm sorry but, I never say I'm sorry but.

I don't say enough for me to have anything to apologise for.

Mind you, I think I've had to apologise a couple of time on here in the past. :)


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b9
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14 Dec 2013, 1:25 pm

babybird wrote:
I'm sorry but, I never say I'm sorry but.

I don't say enough for me to have anything to apologise for.

Mind you, I think I've had to apologise a couple of time on here in the past. :)


i do not care whether you are sorry. i like you with all your baggage draped on your shoulders,

who knows?
i do not care very much but i care for you.



babybird
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14 Dec 2013, 1:31 pm

^^Thanks b9 :) that means a lot.


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b9
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14 Dec 2013, 1:51 pm

babybird wrote:
^^Thanks b9 :) that means a lot.

what means a lot?



babybird
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14 Dec 2013, 2:06 pm

I can't remember.


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YourMajesty
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14 Dec 2013, 2:57 pm

I too dislike the ''I'm sorry, but…'' and ''not wanting to be rude, BUT….'' (after which often something incredibly rude or hurtful follows).



redrobin62
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14 Dec 2013, 3:13 pm

^ Or, "I'm not saying this to be mean, but..." when you are clearly going to say something that is mean.



babybird
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14 Dec 2013, 4:20 pm

Sometimes I say "I'm not being funny but...." But I say it purposely with the intention of not being funny.

It's my way of entertaining myself.


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Fnord
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14 Dec 2013, 4:28 pm

I learned that the only way to sincerely apologize is to: (1) Admit what I did; (2) Admit that doing it was wrong; (3) Admit that I shouldn't have done it; (4) Say that I am sorry for doing what I did; (5) Offer some form of restitution; and finally (6) Ask them to forgive me.

Most of the time, though, people won't let me get beyond the first step before informing me that: (a) my parents had never been married; (b) my mother was a canine; (c) I should engage in copulatory activities with myself; and (d) take up permanent residency in Satanland.

:roll:



smudge
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14 Dec 2013, 4:47 pm

It depends what is said after it, and how harsh it is.

Off-topic: Fnord, who is that in your avatar? A games character?