Expressing Sorrow for People Who Lost Loved Ones

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ker08
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06 Mar 2014, 11:41 am

So a coworker recently lost his father (I believe he's also an Aspie, but that's neither here nor there). We were working together today, and before he left the topic came up and I admit I'm very clumsy when it comes to other people's feelings.

Generally speaking, I asked him how he was doing, he said something along the lines of "processing but it will never be the same." I said, "yeah, no it won't." He left, I'm fairly certain not in a happy mood.

I realize what I said made him sad, but what should I have said instead? It's too late now to correct it, but perhaps there's something else to say next time. We aren't close (he's in his 60s, I'm in my 20s) so saying "if you ever want to talk about it" seemed odd (not that I thought about it when it happened).

Or maybe I'm just overthinking the whole thing...



redrobin62
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06 Mar 2014, 3:31 pm

I'm terrible at expressing sorrow to people who lost loved ones. I'm not heartless, it's just that I don't relate to people that closely that way. Either it's because of my abuse past or Asperger's but such situations are awkward for me.



Pobbles
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06 Mar 2014, 4:28 pm

ker08 wrote:
"if you ever want to talk about it"


That's the best you can do.

Don't be discouraged if he doesn't take the opportunity to talk about it, he might not want to. Be prepared to witness and experience some unpleasantness (I always end up crying with them!) - being a friend to the bereaved can be difficult, they're often not the most cheerful or logical of creatures.



nick007
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08 Mar 2014, 1:16 am

Pobbles wrote:
ker08 wrote:
"if you ever want to talk about it"


That's the best you can do.

Don't be discouraged if he doesn't take the opportunity to talk about it, he might not want to. Be prepared to witness and experience some unpleasantness (I always end up crying with them!) - being a friend to the bereaved can be difficult, they're often not the most cheerful or logical of creatures.
I agree. Also keep in mind that if he's possibly an Aspie or has some Aspie stuff he could have a hard time expressing or understanding his own feelings. He may generally be more logical with how he acts but dealing with that kind of heavy stuff can make us Aspies less logical than we usually are. He may need more space at work but on the other hand he may appreciate having someone befriend him. He may be more difficult to read & more unpredictable than he usually is so try not to take anything personally & just offer to be there for him if he chooses.


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CockneyRebel
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08 Mar 2014, 1:39 am

I also have a hard time with that. I think my upbringing has a lot to do with it. I've never really felt a connection with my father and the connection that I felt with my mother has weakened somewhat since the June of 2010 or maybe even the September of 2009. I still see my parents, because my dog is with them and it's the honourable thing to do. Even to this day, there are still days that I'm convinced that I was given up for adoption by a destitute London couple. Maybe I was. Who knows?


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equestriatola
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08 Mar 2014, 3:03 am

I'm more like the kind of person that will always be there for that person.


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