I am becoming a non-entity

Post Reply New Topic

Today I logged into paypal to buy something I will regret, and as part of its yearly arbitrary design change, it now addresses me by my first legal name on the main page. This cannot be disabled and I cannot alter that name without completing a process that is for the moment inconvenient and troubling. Also I would need to choose a name. I feel like a different name every day. I use a different one on every website. I would hate to have to choose and possibly decide against it later, even without legal hassles and fees. I kept the first one I had after I realized I was completely broken just because so many things were already set up with it. I think also my parents would be offended. They do not need that at this point. I wish my name could be a series of colors or a distinct noise, but I would not be able to choose one of those either!

That is a NOISE, and not a word that refers to a noise, I should clarify. "Fwoptch" is different from the noise FWOPTCH.

I noticed that http://www.wrongplanet.net/postxf195203-0-30.html this topic came up and remembered I had an account here, for a reason I cannot recall, but considered people might have a problem with a sudden reply to a 2-year old issue. I personally do not mind, but one must coexist with others despite not understanding them, and all that. All part of being "wrong," I suppose. I am acquainted with the concept. Oddly enough paypal is not mentioned in the thread at all but I suppose that is how google works now.

Anyway, I do not like my name either! Great wonderful. How are you?

I thought I ought to make sure nothing was broken on my profile before I posted, and I noticed the gender field allows only male and female. That sort of thing is heavily tied to my problem issues, and cooperates with my dislike of my name, and I am surprised it is binary and mandatory on a website like this. It seems to also be an old issue http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp5187906.html ; I expect by now for issues like that to either not get fixed or get worse. There is no reason I should feel inclined to tell the truth, but they both feel like lies. One lies to me and the other lies to everyone else. I wouldn't even know how to search for THAT. What is it called when you want to exist but to legally be nobody?

Yeah I used to buy movies often then feel bad about it later. Not because I don't love movies but because it was "unnecessary". Now I mostly just use Netflix. Which still costs something yet is less guilty feeling.

As to the gender thing I kinda know that feeling too. The feminine energy can be strong in me. At times I relate to it more than the masculine. Having to "be" a guy is very limiting to be honest. I wish people were just people instead of casted into set types that we're expected to follow.

For special people like myself and probably you it's hard to be ourselves. We want the world to see us. Accept us. But they say we're too different or complicated. We don't fit into the neat boxes they put other people in. Sometimes they get upset or ignore us because of it.

I would say it is mostly ignoring! For the people with no choice, they prefer to ignore those specific issues. I am glad you stopped to acknowledge this!

It is hard for me to -not- be myself. Which gets me nowhere. Faking the attitudes or enthusiasm of others is obvious and also gets me nowhere (just look at my tumblr page, oh ho ho).

My problem with films is that I rarely want to watch them more than once so it is hard to justify a purchase. I may not even want to finish the first viewing. This is perhaps because I love movies as well.

Ugh, I understand that feeling all too well. It's been my dream for the past several years to become a disembodied consciousness -- I blame watching a lot of Star Trek episodes where the Alien Of The Week was a cloud of sparkles. That's what I want to be.

I wonder if some of my whimsical longings are based on stupid video games I [first] played 20 years ago, but the feelings of disassociation occur in spite of all that,, because even the zaniest or most contrary fictional alien or monster seems comfortable with the name it was given or being him or her. That is hard to take, being less adaptable to society than things from another dimension. I imagine that green thing perched on the first 'e' in this site's logo knows and accepts exactly what it is.

The desire to purchase movies, even though I may only watch them once, likely relates to movies being a special interest. I have a great desire to support movies. Also, it's nice to have a collection.

Yeah, I don't adapt to society very well either. People inevitably find me strange. No matter what it is I tend to see it differently. No one views the world like I do. Often my way seems a more logical, even happier way of seeing things... yet it's not how the rest sees it. So it must be naive or stupid or weird.

Disassociation seems common in our types. We can't integrate. We're always, at least a little bit, outside of the circle.

I also have space issues! It easily runs out and I hate to get rid of things, especially if somebody else gave them to me (or I made them, which is more a factor with other things that consume my space). Safer to never acquire them to begin with.

People found me strange years ago. Now I am terribly self-conscious and am more likely to not be found at all. So afraid of criticism that I avoid actions which could be criticized, by others or my internal shame dictator. I feel like a ghost, except I cannot pass through physical matter or fly, and still need to take showers.