Favourite jokes

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Is there something like a "typical Aspie humor"?
Let's find out. Post your favourite jokes here!


This is the one I love the best:

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are going through Scotland by train. They pass a field with one single, black sheep on it. "Look at that", says the engineer, "in Scotland, the sheep are black!"
"No, no", says the physicist, "actually we only know that there is at least one black sheep in Scotland."
"This is also not true", argues the mathematician. "All we know is that there is at least one black sheep which is black on at least one side!"

I guess I don't have a typical sense of humor, aspie or otherwise, but I can see the mechanism of the humor in the above joke

A psychiatrist goes into his waiting room and is surprised to find that the lone occupant is a cow, whom he duly ushers into his office.
"I've never had a cow as a patient before", says the psychiatrist. "What brings you here"?
"I'm feeling very anxious", says the cow. "A lot of people I meet say that they want to be my friend, but I keep having the feeling that they all just want to turn my rear end into beef patties."
"So," replies the psychiatrist, "How long do you think you've had this Ass-Burgers syndrome?"

a CEO, a union member and a tea partier walk into this room wherein there's a table with a plate of cookies on it. the CEO immediately snarfs up all but one cookie, then he beckons the tea partier with "psst- hey guy, [points at union member] that union guy over there wants a piece of your cookie!"

how they know it wasn't dyed????

there was a language-related joke i liked that i heard recently but i seem to have forgotten some of it.
it involves some salesman or something with a product, walking into a bar or pub saying somehting along the lines of "i have procured/created this new Device!"

and then someone in the audience or something calls out "why did you pronounce 'Device' with a capital D?"

get it...cause...saying capitals...? its one of those jokes that only works when it is read, can't really 'say' it and expect the same meaning to be transferred.

looking into a mirror and believing what is reflected is reality.

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were out playing golf one day, but weren't enjoying it much because of a group of blind golfers who were getting n the way a lot and causing disruptions, obviously due to their lack of sight. The priest asks the golf caddy why in the world are these blind people even allowed to play on the golf course, and the caddy explains that they were all firefighters who had saved the life of the manager of the golf course when his house caught on fire a few weeks ago. The smoke from the fire had made the firefighters all blind. To show his gratitude for saving his life, the manager lets the blind men play on the course for free whenever they want.

After hearing this the priest says, "Those poor, brave souls. I shall say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor says, "I know a surgeon who specializes in eye surgery. Maybe I'll ask him if he can restore their vision."
The engineer says, "Why don't they just play golf after dark?"

The Higgs-Boson walks into a church. The Priest, alarmed, says "We don't allow your kind in here." The Higgs-Boson calmly replies "...but without me, how can you have mass?"



Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a nice pint of beer when the phone rings. Then he jumps up shouting "oh s**t, I forgot to feed the dog!"

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, but the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Honey, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

"I'm lost," says the man, "and I need the cat to give me directions home."

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at an insane asylum and he hears residents chanting "10! 10! 10! 10!". He's very curious about this, so he looks in a whole in the fence to see what they're doing. Someone inside pokes him in the eye, then the residents start chanting "11! 11! 11! 11!".

Two old men who had been the best of friends since childhood died at nearly the same time. One of them went to heaven, the other to hell. For the first time in decades they were apart. After a couple of month the man up in heaven decided to give his friend down in hell a call. So he does and they're both very happy and excited to be talking to each other again. The guy up in heaven asks "If you don't mind me asking, what's it like down in hell?
"It's awesome!" the friend down in hell replies. "Everywhere you look there are hot, sexy female devils and we spend all our time smoking and drinking and making out and dancing and jabbing things with our pitchforks just for fun! Anyway, what's it like being up in heaven?"
"It's exhausting!" the friend up in heaven tells him. "Day after day I have to polish the harps and the halos, move the clouds around, light up all the stars at night, and send rainbows down to earth."
"I'm sorry to hear that." the guy in hell replies. "Why do you have so much work to do?"
The guy in heaven explains, "I'm the only one up here."

When a zoo’s gorilla dies, the zookeeper hires an actor to don 
a costume and act like an ape 
until the zoo can get another one.

In the cage, the actor makes faces, swings around, and draws a huge crowd. He then crawls across a partition and atop the 
lion’s cage, infuriating the animal. But the actor stays in character—until he loses his grip and falls into the lion’s cage.

Terrified, the actor shouts, “Help! Help me!” Too late. The lion pounces, opens 
its massive jaws, and whispers, “Shut up! Do you want to get 
us both fired?!”

A guy in a body cast at the hospital is overheard telling a friend visiting, "And then I told my wife 'as long as the game is on wild horses wouldn't drag me away'. I *still* have no idea where she got them!"

Get it, "wild horses wouldn't drag me away" is normally just an expression, but his wife literally did get some wild horses that really drag him away to wherever they were going.

I guess it's not really funny if I have to explain the joke, but I was worried not enough people would understand .

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

A little Indian boy walks into a convenience store and says to the clerk, "Big chief, no fart." The clerk gives the boy a can of beans and sends him on his way.

The boy returns the next day and says, "Big chief, no fart." The clerk gives the boy a bigger can of beans and he leaves.

The boy comes back again and repeats, "Big chief, no fart." The clerk, frustrated at this point, goes into the back and finds the biggest, spiciest can of beans the store sells. The boy takes it and leaves.

The boy comes back again, and before he can speak, the clerk says, "Let me guess. Big chief, no fart, right?"

The boy shakes his head no and says, "Big fart, no chief."

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don’t want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

"Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the Principal!"