Prison Obsession Healthy or No?

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I've had the unfortunate run with the criminal justice system in the US several years back in 2008 for an incident that was blown way out of proportion that resulted in me sitting in county jail for several days and having to endure felony court. I was very fortunate in that my family really cares for me and they bailed me out, and hired an attorney to handle my case, wasn't likely to have much luck with a public defender. At the time I was looking at 15-30 years in maximum security prison with a class X felony just for talking about a college shooting that occurred the day before. Being me I got into my 'fantasy/pretending' mode and was discussing with another gothic looking guy about a 'what if' scenario where a shooting would happen at the college we were at. He took it as a 'recruitment' discussion to actually do an attack and reported me later to the Public Safety office at the college. I was soon arrested and taken to the jail where I was interrogated and had to sign search warrants. My mother was terrified that police where surrounding our house going through stuff looking for any 'plans' or 'weapons', which there was none. Still the state wanted to use me as a 'scarecrow', especially considering I was into the whole 'goth' thing at the time. After they searched the house I was taken back to jail and booked, then charged with the crime "Falsely making a terrorist threat' which carries a minimum of 15 years to maximum of 30 years in maximum security prison. (Likely Stateville, or Menard living in Illinois.) Both of which are some of the worst prisons in the state and the country. Luckily our attorney was able to move the case to bench trial (which it never really got to), and a psychological exam, which led to an acquittal.

During my time in jail I was terrified. I was in a holding cell for the first night, which wasn't as bad I thought it would be, and most people in the cell where either nice to me, or neutral. After I was initially charged I was moved into the main jail to one of the 'crisis cells' as they didn't want me in general population. That means I had nothing, no bed no shelves, only a toilet and sink combo with a light and a mat to sleep on, I also had to be naked with just a suicide/crisis vest and nothing else. The cell was roach infested, I had an inmate a couple cells down screaming about the devil and all sorts of other stuff. Meals where fed via a food slot, and I had to return everything after the meal, they didn't let you have or keep anything. I had to endure this for 4 days before I was finally given a chance to shower and use a phone via collect call. It was the first time I was able to talk to my mother in 5 days. I was crying and emotionally falling apart as I thought that this was it. I was going to go to prison and die there either by being beaten or shanked by another inmate(s) or suicide. There was absolutely no way I would be able to survive prison, and even if I did by some miracle, I would be emotionally devastated and my personality permanently destroyed or worse altered especially if gangs got involved, and if I was assigned to general population, I would likely be forced to join one or be harassed horribly that or made some prisoner's punk and essentially be a slave to them for protection. At that time I thought my life was over. Even after just only 5 days on the 'inside' before being bailed out I was emotionally torn for weeks almost months. I would hardly speak a word, just had the deer in the headlight look.

Fast forward 7.5 years to today the prison obsession remains, in fact as the 10th anniversary of my incident approaches in a couple years it's actually getting stronger. Mostly I'm into designs of prisons, how gangs work, prison routines, violence, riots, cell configurations. It's almost like I'm preparing for a life I several years ago I thought I would have to endure. This was farther increased by the release of games like 'Hardtime', and more recently 'Prison Architect' (which was officially released last month, but has been in open alpha for a few years). Plus the news doesn't help with hints at a martial law coming in the US, and how America was/is becoming essentially a giant prison which is partially true, the USA is the largest jailer by far in the entire world, surpassing every other country combined and then some in inmate counts.

Its still a wonder of what's really fueling this obsession which is actually relatively recent (within the last year). Is it the 'what if' of the life path I was fortunate to avoid by shear luck and a very loving/caring family, or is it something darker more sinister like a new personality that was seeded by the events back then only to finally sprout especially considering that my life has become turbulent once again due to the well being of my mother whom is both a parent and best friend to me, as I have virtually no connections beyond my family and godparents. Is it the wonder of what would happen to me if both my parents should die as I have no job, no way of paying for rent and almost no resources. Would I be forced into some kind of institution again. It's like I'm trapped in my own prison, a prison of wonder and fear of what is likely to soon be a darker future? These are questions that are tough to answer especially on an internet forum, but I thought I would share my experiences and wonder if there are others like me that have went through something similar and how they came out of it and endured.

I don't think this belongs in Random Discussion, however, I totally relate to what you have wrote. I was assaulted by my brother and was arrested for it. Yes you read that right, I was a victim and I got arrested for it, you can not believe that if you want but its 100% true. He was beating me on the ground and I kicked him off with my foot and supposedly I did more damage to him than he did me. It was ridiculous, they took pictures and documented his injuries and didn't bother to document mine, I didn't get pictures taken of my wounds until I was in the hospital after I had been in jail. Which gave them time to heal and not appear as bad as they were. I have been preoccupied with thoughts and fears of going to jail and prison since, I can't seem to escape this fear and general distrust I have towards law enforcement. I have told myself though that you can't really worry about things that are outside of your ability to control. I hope I don't ever go back to jail and I try to live the best I can but I admit, I am not a model citizen. All you can do is live the best you can and try not to worry about the rest. You can't dwell on what might have been, I have walked some dangerous lines in life and I don't really want to know what could have been.

Don't live in the past, it'll only bring despair and don't live in the future for it breeds anxiety.

you might want to apply for a disability income now, so you won't have to go through the long application period with almost no benefits should your parents be unable to help you.

Already on SSDI/SSI, but it doesn't bring me very much as my work history was short, in fact I barely met the quota needed. Only get about $500 a month from both. Got medical coverage, but I don't think I'll be able to live of an income of 6K a year, and anytime I try looking for work, its almost impossible due to my huge gap in employment as well as the fact that I can only work so many hours a month and make so much otherwise my benefits would be reduced.

Based on what you guys have said here, I think you're both fine. Sometimes prison is random B.S., but usually it's a life long stream of random B.S. coupled with an entirely confrontational attitude towards that B.S.

Ex: Your dad got shot during a robbery and now you hate cops. Started stealing and consistently resist arrest.

I think being somewhat prepared for violence is a natural thing for men, we are more likely to go to prison, war, or otherwise be expected to meet confrontation head on. Unfortunately, the more you prepare for something the more the mind expects that thing to come true and the more you react as if that thing you prepared for is real. See preppers who are constantly seeing the end of the world around the corner and always getting it wrong.

You both were essentially innocent, were falsely accused, took your marks and walked away. Be proud, you were innocent men walking in the shade of guilt, don't let it get to you, especially when that's all it can do. Start acting guilty and fitting the profile and it will have an easier time to come back and get you again.

Maybe divert your interest to something that will help you get away from this interest and soothe your need for self preservation as well, like learning chess, dominoes, reading books and doing push-ups or divert it into an interest in military culture, where the some of the same skills might also help.

my sister survived on SSI for many years with the help of a government mortgage program. there's also rental assistance. they limit rent to one-third of your income and the government pays the rest. also has a waiting list, though. some exceptions for homelessness. food stamps, food banks, obamaphones (available through safelink.com, i think), heating assistance and transportation programs all help. i worked as a social worker for seven years. knew many folks who got by on SSI. it's not a picnic, but it's livable. rare to be able to afford a car.

please don't stop looking for appropriate work. i was unemployed for a few years before my social work job became available. like you, i survived due to supportive parents. i applied for tons of jobs, rarely got an interview, and only a few times even heard back from potential employers. it can be discouraging, but persistence pays off. life is about giving yourself the best possible chance over and over. sooner or later, something will go right.

if i were older and have had that experience years behind me, my main train of thought regarding it would probably be one of disbelief, something like... "unbelievable that something seemingly so small at the time as a conversation on a hypothetical shooting, could have led into my time in prison! prison!!" i find such permutations fascinating.

i fortunately have never been to prison, jail, or juvenile hall, the closest coming to it was having a one on one conversation with an officer after being held (in school) for four hours regarding some incredibly stupid yet worrying comments i made last september. i don't think it's odd to be interested in how gangs and the prison system as a whole work, to me it seems you're trying to learn more about a chapter of your life that passes, maybe thinking about how better prepared you could have been if you saw it coming? interesting how it has gotten stronger though, but maybe it does have something to do with the anniversary.

also, those conditions sound absolutely deplorable. i mean, cockroaches? couldn't they carry some severe disease?

sucks how that guy had to report you and have you arrested, if i were in your shoes i'd find it hard to not blame him!

i'm gonna say what the others have stated and say to keep looking for work, maybe. hopefully you're wiser with what money you get than i am...