Anyone got any good, funny jokes?

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well.... start posting then if u have!

"Xylophone is spelled in 'X'. That's wrong. Xylophone...zzzz...'X'. I don't <bleeping> see it! It should be a 'Z' up front. Next time you have to spell Xylophone, use a 'Z'. If someone says, 'Hey, that's wrong!' Say, 'No it ain't!' If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-Rayed. It's like 'X' didn't have enough to do, so they had to promise it more. Okay, you won't start a lot of words, but we will give you a cool starring role in Tic-Tac-Toe. And you will be acquainted with hugs and kisses. And you will mark the spot. And you will make writing Christmas easier. And incidentally, you will start Xylophone. Are you happy you <bleeping> 'X'?" -Mitch Hedberg

I have one...

A guy walks into the hospital and waits for his doctor..

Doctor comes up to him and says, "I have good news and bad news"..

The guy replies ok whats the good news?

The doctor replies you have 48 hours to live?

The guy replies um whats the bad news then?

The doctor replies I forgot to call yesterday and tell you that! lol


Idk if thats funny, but I got a good chuckle out of it haha

I've been thinking about turning my difficulties in finding a job this summer into some kind of stand-up routine... there is plenty of humor there.

Though I might stretch the truth a little for extra comedy...

At this stage though, it's little more than ranting...

A Jewish boy asks his dad if he can have 50 dollars. The dad says "40 dollars, what do you need 30 dollars for?"

A bit tasteless, yes, but funny nonetheless. Basically all the jokes I know are targeted at certain groups of people since my roomates were all racist bastards, but some of them are rather clever.

A receptionist is watching over the doctor’s patients in the waiting room. It’s an Obstetrics practice and all the girls are pretty close to their due dates.

She’s chatting with them when one girl says, “I’m going to have a little boy!”
Puzzled the receptionist asks, “How do you know that dear?”
She responds, “Because I was on the top!”
“Oh,” says the receptionist, a little bemused.

Another girl suddenly says, “I’m having a little girl.”
Again the receptionist asks how she knows this.
The girl replies, “Because I was on the bottom.”
“Oh,” says the receptionist again, with a quiet smile on her face.

Suddenly she hears sobbing from a third girl in the corner.
She runs to her and asks, “What’s wrong dear, why are you crying?”
The third girl says, “I’m crying because I’m going to have a puppy!”

Yo momma's so stupid she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.

Yo momma's so stupid she thought cross-dressing was putting Italian and 1,000 Island on the same salad.

Yo momma's so stupid they fired her from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's.

You momma's so stupid she climbed to the top of a chain link fence to see what was on the other side.

Here's one I think you might like.

This young man, "Bob" falls in love with the girl next door. He really wants to go out with her, but he just has to find out if she's good enough for him. So, he asks her out and takes her to dinner and a show, then out to the lake to stargaze. As soon as they park, Bob whips out his wiener. The girl freaks out. "You're awful, Bob! Put that wee-wee away and take me home right now!" Bob is pleased to see that she's still "pure", and takes her home. Later, he asks her to prom, and she agrees. They have a great time, and afterwards, they go to Lover's Lane. Bob whips it out again, and as before, the girl freaks out. "Put that wee-wee away and take me home, you perv!" Bob is very happy that she's still "pure", and the next year, the two get married. At their hotel, Bob comes out of the shower butt nekkid and says "Honey, look what I have for you!"
Her eyes grow soft, and she says "Oh, Bob, what a sweet little wee-wee!" He says, "No honey, you don't have to call it that anymore. Now you can call it a cock!" She laughs and says, "No Bob, that's a wee-wee. A cock is long, thick, and Black!"

The thunder rolled
The lightning flashed
A tree fell
A frog got smashed.

Curious fly.
Vinegar jug.
Slippery edge.
Pickled bug.


I'll post more when I think of 'em.

Q) How did Senator Larry Craig escape the burning hotel?
A) He already had his s**t packed.

I have one. I don't know whether it translates really well into English, but I'll post it anyway. (most Dutch jokes are usually about Belgians - no offense intended)

Two Belgians are cruising around in their car when suddenly they come across a police roadblock. A policeman gestures them to pull over, which they do.
The Belgian who was behind the wheel, pulls down his window and asks: "What seems to be the problem, officer?"
The policeman responds: "We're stopping every car in the vicinity, because we are looking for two rapists."
At that point the Belgians close the window and start discussing vehemently with one another, wildly gesticulating. After a few minutes, the Belgians pull down the window again and tell the policeman: "All right, we've decided... we'll do it!"