Moral Dilemma

Post Reply New Topic

My younger brother got into pretty serious drug-related trouble a few years ago. He is now 19 but he hasn't left the house since the peak of his problems when he was 16/17; initially mum and dad wanted him home to help him get clean, but since then he's cut all ties with the world and refuses to walk past the end of our driveway.

Needless to say it's very troubling to see him like this; he is ND and was always the sporty and highly sociable one.

Today I had occasion to log into my facebook account, which I haven't touched in years. I hate the thing honestly but I ran into an old friend and he made me promise to message him. That was about a month ago, I finally got around to it.

My inbox is full of messages from my brother's friends, spanning the 2ish years he's been a recluse. They were writing to tell me they miss him, to ask for confirmation he is safe, to tell him 'he's the best friend I ever had', etc etc.

Some of them are very heartfelt messages, all of them sound sad and concerned. He was a popular kid so there are lots of them, and while they have become less frequent (as you'd expect over 2 years) some are fairly recent.

My dilemma: My brother clearly cut contact for a reason, so maybe it's none of my business to tell his friends he's ok, or alive at least. However, I know he misses them dearly and wants to go back to them, he just feels he can't (mainly shame). Many of them are normal kids, not into the drug scene to the extent that he was, so there'd be no danger in my contacting them (if there are people 'out for him' as he believes).

They seem to have the impression that he's run away, been admitted to the psych ward, been admitted to hospital, or died. He's alive, he's clean, he's depressed... Maybe I should tell him about the messages and let him decide, but I know this will likely make him more depressed about his situation.

My advice is basically to go with your 'gut' instinct [as I learned from Discworld, it's amazing what your kidneys can tell you], and whatever you decide, I'm cheering for you.

Ah Terry Pratchett

Thanks Kuraudo, I mentioned the messages to my brother and he just said 'did they?' without any emotion.
That's what he does though, he acts like it's nothing and 10 minutes later he's crying, usually to mum.

Since he acted like he didn't care, I messaged one of the boys back (one that I knew quite well). I explained that I'd never seen the messages, said he was a good friend to my brother back in the day, hoped he was doing OK, and said my brother is OK.

No gory details, just the facts, vague enough to seem pleasant. I don't know what I'll do if the boy replies. Cross that bridge when we come to it I guess.

^You're welcome!

Im sorry to hear that!

It is a bit of a paradox! As i think your brother as you mentioned may feel ashamed and may feel embarrassed getting back in touch with those good people.. It gets harder the deeper in depression you go for a long period of time as he will see his friends getting jobs, families etc and he may feel he has nothing to show or to talk about as they move ahead in life... He certainly needs to start loving himself alot more which is easier said than done when in a constant state of depression! You become used to feeling a certain way so much it can be so very hard to fight against it and turn it around... or even remember the good feelings you once felt... He will likely feel he is just currently existing slowly waiting for the long end. However saying that, he is fighting every day for tomorrow and whether he realises it or not he subconsciously hopes...
He will find his way eventually because he hopes, in the meantime he is journeying through the labyrinth of closed doors. It is only a matter of time before some of those doors open and he finds a way out!

Hope is a good friend to have

( Just my visualization and interpretation. I could be very wrong but just a feeling )

^ hey thanks, you know I always value your interpretation

That's a nice way of putting it.

I ran into him at 3am (he's a nocturnal animal) and gently brought it up again. I told him all the different people who'd asked after him, he (half-jokingly) said 'nah, they don't want to hear from me.' He said he was embarrassed, he said it had been years. He said he wouldn't have anything to tell them, because he doesn't go out.
I said yes, but they have no idea what happened to you. They want to hear from you, even if it's only a single 'blast from the past' conversation. Besides, he's doing a degree now, and I know for a fact his friends don't have their lives sorted by any means, as he thinks they all have. They're 19 for god's sake!

Anyway, I very gently dropped in some of the things they'd said, so he has the nice things to think about at least. He didn't get angry like I thought he might. I think I was pretty diplomatic for 3 in the morning

Addiction is horrible to deal with as a family member, the shame felt can make it very difficult to talk about, the stigma combined with depression is a vicious cocktail to deal with, especially as a teenager.
I shared a flat with my cousin, he had been struggling with addiction for 15 years at that point, it was 9 months of heartbreaking hell for me as he would keep going back to the drugs, I'd find wee bits of tinfoil and know H had come to stay with us again.

I don't know your brother, I know that his hermit behaviour is probably easier for him in the short term, its very destructive long term though.
He needs your help, he will almost certainly be a dick about it at times, it's just fear talking.
Encourage him to connect with old friends, he doesn't have to leave the house, just message them and have conversation.

If you can encourage him to take even a tiny step it's a victory.

My cousin lost his battle this year, it's still very raw for me.

^ I really am working hard on helping him, parents seem to think I'm the only one who can anyway.
Apparently if I hadn't left for uni, this never would have happened...

But I do try with him, he can be a dickhead but he's my brother, he's always going to be a dick .

Initially he liked the hermit lifestyle but it's getting to him recently. He's started a degree this year which is awesome, and I got him a job opportunity this week. Just a one-off but he'll have money + minor talking to other humans + fresh air = confidence.

I think he might come back to me about his friends, he likes to mull things over. I'm glad I broached the subject anyway. Little victories.

I'm sorry about your cousin. Every step of these battles is heartbreaking - love and protection versus every negative force the world can throw at them, it doesn't kill them but it poisons them in the end. God I hate that feeling.