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Two neurologists walk into a casino. One of them says "I'm nervous." and the other one replies "I have a system.".

I took my car in for a service yesterday, but it got stuck in the church doors.

What bone will a dog never eat? A trombone.

How deep is a frog's pond?


Knee deep....knee deep....knee deep.

Stephen Harper.

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No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

Donald Trump

A piece of string walks into a bar and walks up to the counter.

The bartender says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve pieces of string in here, get lost."

Upset, the piece of string walks out the door. A sudden thought strikes him. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.

He walks back into the bar and approaches the counter. The bartender says, "Oi, aren't you that piece of string from before...?"

"No," says the piece of string, "I'm a frayed knot."

The meaning of Ford as an acronym:

Fix or Repair Daily
Found on Road Dead
Found on Russian Dump
F!cked Over Rejected Dodge

(This after my Escort let me sit with 4 separate flat tires on the front passenger side. The incident with the flat yesterday had the jack slip on me 3 times, with the rotor hitting the concrete. I HATE scissor jacks, as well as Ford, as well as buy here, pay here dealers, since I now have to spend at least another $1500 to keep this beast running.

Do you know how to tell the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowmen have snowballs lol...

A lady finds a loose penguin on the street. She then sees a police officer and asks him what she should do. He tells he to take the penguin to the zoo. The next day the same police officer spot the lady and the penguin around a different part of town and asks her "Why didn't you take the penguin to the zoo?" She replied "I did. Today I am am taking it to the art museum."

What kind of phone does an inmate use in prison? A cellphone!

A farmer lived in ancient Rome. He was working in the fields one day when he came across a giant strawberry, about one foot wide and 18 inches high. He thought this would be a novelty that many would want to see, so he took it home, washed it off, and set up a display in a case. He advertised the giant strawberry far and wide, and people came from all over to see the exhibit. He charged admission and made a pile of money.

However, he failed to report his earnings to the tax authorities, so they came to his farm to confiscate the exhibit. When they arrived at his door, he said, "I suppose you have come all this way to admire my exhibit as well?"

"No," they said. "We've come to seize your berry, not to praise it,"

There was this thief that broke into a rather mansion in Cobb County, GA. The thief was about to heist the silverware, when he hear a loud booming voice saying "Jesus (pronounced Jaysus, if you're from the Deep South) is watching you!" After about 15 minutes, after the thief managed to pry himself off the ceiling, the thief continues to prowl around the house. He comes to the bedroom, and as he is about to steal the jewelry, he again hears "Jesus is watching you!" Again another 15 minutes pass, after the thief cleans the load of sh!t from his pants, he begins to prowl the house. The thief gets to the den. He's about to lift the big screen TV when he hears again, "Jesus is watching You!" This time, the thief, who is getting quite perturbed, shines his flashlight around the room. The beam eventually lands on an African Gray Parrot sitting on his perch. The thief goes over the bird and asks if he was making all the noise. The parrot answers "Yes." The thief then asks the parrot for his name. The bird replies, "Moses." "Moses? MOSES????! !! ! What damn idiot would name a bird Moses?" The parrot replies, "The same damn idiot that would name their Rottweiler Jesus!"

Would you like to hear a pizza joke?

...

On second thought, it's too cheesy.

Listen, if you all don't free Palestine, I'ma have to sue all of you.

Have you heard the joke about 288? - on second thoughts, I'd better not tell you, it's too gross.