Fitting in

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I seem to see a lot of threads here on the subject of 'fitting in', and it got me wondering about what 'fitting in' actually means.

From my understanding, to fit in is to feel a part of some group- perhaps feeling like you Fulfil some kind of role.

It got me thinking about my experiences in being a part of a group, and also times where I felt like an outsider.

Sometimes, being isolated is unavoidable. For instance, when I was younger and took ballet, from the moment I entered - the other ballerinas were looking for a common enemy to bond over. Looking back, it was less about hating me, and more of a way for them to bond. I was their subject of conversation, the shared hatred of everyone in that group.

All because I wore pink, because my parents didn't get the memo about my crazy dance teacher hating all things pink. The others used this to pick on me, and even when I changed to blue they would insult me by other means.

I knew that there was no way to get the others to like me, no matter what I did or said. They would all purposefully ignore me when I talked, so I stopped talking in dance class completely.

It was like I wasn't even there, like I didn't exist. Backstage in rehearsals they would pass chocolates to one another, taking care to pass them right in front of me as if I wasn't sitting in the middle between them. It was tempting to try and nick one, I'll admit. Sometimes I would talk to myself in rehearsal and insult people because I knew that whatever I said it would be ignored. It's not like it was possible for them to hate me anymore than they already did, so I didn't have much to lose.

I guess you could say that I did have a role in that group, I was the shared interest. Everyone enjoyed making me feel miserable, they became better friends with each other because of it, like I was some kind of pawn in a game of chess.

But understandably, I didn't feel like I fit in- so there must be more to this whole 'fitting in' thing than simply playing a role.

I think in order to feel like you 'fit in', you also have to feel happy in the group you are in. At school, I was a part of many groups, but I never felt like I properly fit into any of them.

Some only really kept me around, so that I would do the work that they were too lazy to do for them. Other times, my friends and I were only friends because we were afraid that if we were seen on our own, we'd get verbal abuse and possibly beat up. Well, more so than I did anyway.

There were a few people that I actually got on with, but they were often picked on for hanging out with me.

In College, it was a less hostile environment and I didn't have to win people's friendship in anyway, all of that just came naturally as we seemed to share similar personalities and interests so conversation was easy and relaxed.

Personally, I prefer small groups of friends that I can get to know on a personal, one on one basis. I would prefer a few, good close friends to a bunch of acquaintances any day. Quality, not quantity.

In my current group, I feel very much like I belong.

I'll admit that when I first signed up here, I was concerned that I wasn't going to really fit in. It took me longer to get my post count up here than it does for most sites, and many users here seemed to have an odd way of wording things, and there have been plenty of times where I've wondered 'What on Earth am I doing on this site?'.

Sometimes I still wonder that, but people seem to like me here, so I must be doing something right I guess. Heh..right for wrong planet. Would've been funny if you'd called it left planet, since that's the opposite of a right planet. I have a weird sense of humour, I know. :/

I don't know where I fit in, actually. I don't fit in with my colleagues, apart from one. I don't entirely, feel that I fit in, here. I don't know if I fit in, anywhere, really. I fit in with myself, I guess you could say. I generally, wind up frustrating people, and I become alienated, which can be isolating to a large extent. These days, I am satisfied with fitting in with myself. Although, I am one who appreciates having a friend or two, to connect with on some level or another.

I'm sorry that you were mistreated, as you've described^. It's nice, that you fit in with your current group. Indeed, you are, very much, liked and appreciated, here! : )

Ah, well I know I've felt like that at times too. It's interesting that you have so many posts, yet you still feel this way.



Eh, it's ok. It was awhile ago anyway. I was beginning to think that this thread wasn't going to get any replies, and I wondered if I should just delete it.



Not sure why that's the case, but it's good to know that it is. ...Does that make me sound big-headed and inconsiderate? Hmm, possibly. But I don't know what else to say, but if I just accept the praise than it might come across as arrogant. But if I deflect, that makes me look bad too. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Then again, you probably don't even mind. In fact, pointing all this out probably makes me seem like I'm overly-eager to please people, and that I'm trying too hard. Hmm. Now you're probably thinking that I overthink things. Admittedly I do at times.

Er...jazz hands. Yes. Jazz hands solve everything. Sometimes. Not usually. Occasionally....

^I still need to learn how to separate quotes, so, forgive me for not doing, so.

-The majority of my posts result from playing word games/in the games sub-forum.

-I hadn't meant my statement, as praise. Being liked and appreciated, from my perspective, has nothing to do with praise. No, you don't seem, at all, 'big-headed or inconciderate' for feeling good about being liked and appreciated. It's a natural, healthy response. Try not to worry too much, about what other's might think of you. Just be you, in your truest form. You are a genuinely, lovely person, and your good nature/wonderful personality shines through, in all of your posts!

Edit: I perpetually, 'overthink things', and worry how I appear/how my words come across - so, I understand... : ) x

I am hoping that I didn't say anything to make you feel uncomfortable. I am learning that my words/sentiments can be too expressive for others. I hadn't given this thought, prior to commenting, further. I write, impulsively, from my heart. But, that isn't necessarily, always appropriate, if the recipient is averse to it. Please let me know if you wish for me to delete my post. I apologize if I had said anything that might have made you feel uncomfortable.

That’s ok, it’s actually fairly easy. When you quote someone, it comes up with quote tags, both the opening quote tag and the closing tag. If I were to quote you, I would put [ quote = ”Britte” ] (the text I want to quote of you) and then a closing quote tag [ / quote ]. Obviously without the spaces, I just put the spaces so then you could see the code. Quote tags can vary between sites, for some it has to be in capitals, but here it’s in lower case.

In a response, I might want to quote a certain section of your post, and to do that I would have to separate the body of text, and I could do that by getting the section I want, and putting an opening quote tag in front of it, and a closing tag where I want it to end. Make sure not to put a / in the opening tag, as they only belong in closing tags and it won’t quote properly if you do that. This is a general rule for tags, and applies for bolding and underling too [ B ] and [ / B ] for bold, and [ U ] with [ / U ] for underline.

You don’t really have to write it out each time either, once you have the opening and closing tags you could easily just copy and paste them to where you need them to be, although I suppose that would vary depending on your device.

I’ve only done basic HTML formatting, and I’ve mostly worked on object-oriented programming systems so I only know the very basics of code I’m afraid.



Ah, I haven’t really been into that section much. On some of the other forums/ chat rooms I’ve been on, they don’t count posts made in the games section to a user’s overall post count, but interestingly here they do, as you’re obviously aware of. I guess that explains why I haven’t seen you much.



Praise can sometimes be a double-edged sword. My mind instantly went to that scene in Mean Girls where the main character is praised “You’re so pretty!” and when she says “Thank you” to the compliment, the other girl replies “So you agree, you think you’re pretty” aka “So, you are kind of vain and over-confident then?”.

I’m not great at accepting praise, it feels weird to receive it and often it feels undeserved. Being liked is often used as a way of praising someone, “You’re so well liked!” it’s kind of expected in most conversation to say “Thank you”, even though it reads as a statement.

Pft, you haven’t seen what I can be like on a bad day.



Yeah, it can be annoying over-thinking things, but also sometimes beneficial.

Not at all, this is pretty damn tame compared to some of the stuff people have said to me. Yeah, I have a friend who's often accused of the same (or sometimes not being emotional enough), and he can at time be inappropriate in conversation. But none of what you wrote was too much for me, in fact I found it to be quite touching.

We kind of help each other, I let him know when he's crossed a line and said something insensitive, and he points out any missed sarcasm I didn't pick up on to me.

Thank you very much, Lost-dragon, for the quoting directions that you have, so kindly, provided me with. I will practice, here, tomorrow. This is going to change so much, for me. I appreciate you taking the time to explain the process, in detail. Thank you, again!

I am glad to know that my additional post was acceptable, and had not made you feel uncomfortable.

I stand corrected, in regard to the word/term 'praise'. Somehow, I understood praise, as having a superficial connotation. But, after reading your explanation as to why my statement could in fact, be 'praise', I could see how you are correct. My apologies to you. If I may say - you and your friend are fortunate to have each other's help/support in navigating the meaning of things that might, otherwise, be difficult to understand. : )

I may have missed addressing some things you responded to, so, I will reread, upon my return, tomorrow and respond, accordingly.

(I think you are eight or nine hours ahead of us, here (in California/USA), so, I shall wish you a nice day, while I am off to sleep. Yipes, I just noticed that it is quite late (early, AM) here)

Glad to be of help.



In some circumstances it can have the connotation of being superficial, other times it doesn't. Language is weird, for instance people often say "Can you do this for me?" when what they actually mean is "I want you to do this for me", they're not really asking if you can do that thing, but if you will.



Yeah, that's true.



Well, good night (morning) to you, and thanks- hopefully it will be a nice day.

Lost-dragon. I neglected to return, here, when I mentioned that I would. It might not make any difference to you, either way, however, I want to apologize, as I am not one to say I will do something and not get to it. I am learning that I should stop initiating time constraints for myself, or, mentioning exactly when I will do something, or, return, or what have you, because, my ability to get everything done that I'd like to within short period of time, has diminished, somewhat, recently. Anyway, currently, I am just leaving work, but, I plan to return here, soon. Thank you, again, for the quoting instructions! I look forward to practicing, and replying, further, See you, soon (or, later)! : )

Don't worry about it, I'm bad with time constraints too- just ask my old teachers! I have to say, with all those commas and how you mentioned just leaving work, I read your paragraph as somewhat out of breath. Is that weird?

Hi Lost-dragon! No, I don't think it is weird, at all. Perhaps you simply, have the ability to pick up on what other's are emoting/emitting? : ) Or else, I do, inadvertently, express myself in such a way that you/others can tell if I am seeming rushed or, relaxed. Hmm. I am told that I over-use commas. There is a member, Campin' Cat, who's use of commas resembles mine, in fact, when I initially joined WP, we, somewhat, bonded over that. I wounder if she would remember that.

Well, I am finally able to spend some time, here, practicing separating quotes. And, I remember I had wanted to respond to some bits of your post that I had not had time to respond to (or, perhaps, I had been too tired. Cannot recall), when I had replied, initially, so, I can practice with my replies.

I hope things are going well for you, and your weekend has been most enjoyable, thus far!

Yeah, I'm fairly good at picking up on emotions through text. However, some things don't translate as well in the written form (such as sarcasm, or establishing who you are talking to in a group chat).

Then you get irregular syntaxes sometimes, so that can make things a bit more difficult to understand. Not that I'm saying that's the case with you, far from it in fact- I find your writing style fairly easy to understand.

Well, you do use commas a lot, and when you do that it can come across as breathless, because a comma acts as a sort of notable breath/pause in a sentence.

This is usually done after a statement, and after the comma is something that is added on to a statement which would make sense on its own. For instance, if I were to put "I love mondays", and I wanted to say why, I would but a comma after mondays because "I love mondays", is a statement in a sentence that makes sense on its own.

I don't actually love mondays though. Then again, I could be wrong on all of this.

My weekend has been pretty good so far. I managed to finish a personal project of mine, so I'm in a good mood. I guess it must seem weird that I use "pretty" as "quite", how British of me, haha. I don't completely fit the stereotype though, I'm not even that keen on tea. Yes, I can hear the shocked gasps now.

Hopefully your weekend has been good too.

Forgive me for going off-topic, but I loved the kitty picture you posted, lost_dragon! So cute!
And in regards to fitting in, um. Isn't it... an aspie thing? Like, we don't fit in as a rule? I'm not sure. I've never felt like I fit in anywhere either...

I use "quite", on a regular basis. I only ever use really, on the off occasion. Interestingly, I had just been conversing with another member, regarding my fondness for British grammar and whatnot. Indeed, you haven't come across as being particularly British in comparison to some. Although, of course I know you are, as it is visible under your username. In regard to your mention of tea, I went to a British 'tea house', here, for the first time, two years, ago. I can't say it was something I would need to experience, again, however, I did enjoy the experience, and I do appreciate a nice cup of tea. I have, actually, recently developed somewhat of a tea fetish, if you will.

I can have quite a difficult time of translating, or properly interpreting written words, as well, although, I haven't experienced this, while conversing with you. In fact, quite the opposite. Perhaps, we share some similarities in that regard. Also, I have noticed that we both ramble off topic a bit, although, you are usually, humorous, while I am just rambley.

I don't think i would survive a group chat - if it is anything like a group text. I am not at all, fond of text messages, but, I despise receiving group messages. I think I may have managed to deactivate the feature on my phone.

Thank you for explaining what you have, regarding the use of commas. I sincerely appreciate the information and the examples you have shared. I, also, appreciate knowing how my extensive use of comma's has effected the way I come across. I can say, for sure, on occasion, I do write when I am in a rush, although, I do not like to. If something is super important to me, and it is time-sensitive in nature, I will, certainly, write to the person, no matter what. Rambling on, now.

So nice to hear how your weekend (and mood) has transpired! Thank you. Indeed, my weekend has been very good thus far. <-- I dont particularly, like that emoticon, due to the way his eyebrows make him appear. But, I'm not feeling all that teethy, at the present time. Just pleasantly happy. SaveFerris just provided me with a link to some emoticons I can fetch, although, I may need some assistance with the code aspect of copying and pasting it. Hopefully, you are asleep, as I had been distracted for a minute and have only, as much as copy and pasted your instructions onto a word doc, for future reference. Thank you, again!