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booksatrillion
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30 Nov 2017, 8:47 pm

I give ridiculously tight hugs, I've always done this and I'm not sure whether or not this is part of my aspergers. So I wanted to know if anyone else on the spectrum does it. I would also like some advice on how to stop. My sister is pregnant and I don't want to hurt her or my nephew by hugging her too tightly.
Just for reference I have been hugging like this my entire life and when I was younger I would hug my favorite teacher every morning, sometimes so tightly that he would lose his breath. My sisters sometimes lose breath as well and I've learned not to hug people from the side because it hurts their ribs. I'm not sure why I do it or how I can stop, please help! :heart:



Raleigh
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30 Nov 2017, 8:56 pm

I had one of my ribs detach from the cartliledge from being bear-hugged (by someone with aspergers, as it happens) and I was hugged from the front.
It was very painful and still gives me trouble, from the scar tissue, I think.
If you clasp your own wrist with your hand when you put your arms around them, this will help stop the squeezing.


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ScarletIbis
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30 Nov 2017, 9:03 pm

Could be a sensory type deal, same reason that weighted blankets are sought out among us autists. I never like hugs but when I do give some one a hug it is usually very tight, but that is how it worked with my dad (who has a few aspie characteristics), he lacks the ability to express himself emotionally so hugging tightly takes out the mushy emotions. That is why I think I avoid hugs (besides physical human contact makes me uncomfortable) is that it brings out emotions that we don’t process well. So, the solution is to complete the act in the least emotional way. There are emotions, and the hug does imply “I care very much about you” but it isn’t long and ‘mushy’. But maybe the rib breaking is a bit too tight :lol:


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Raleigh
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30 Nov 2017, 9:16 pm

The thing is, you know you are hugging too tightly.
I don't see why you can't control yourself and be gentle.
How would you feel if you broke someone's rib?
If you're knowingly inflicting pain on others, maybe you shouldn't hug until you learn control.
Just because "you've been doing it your entire life" doesn't mean you have to keep doing it.


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Muziek
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30 Nov 2017, 9:50 pm

Again I have to say: the middle way! 8) So, no, I don't like to get wrench-like hug, on the other hand I don't like to get a very flimsy hug. :heart:


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booksatrillion
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01 Dec 2017, 1:26 pm

The idea of hugging someone so hard that their ribs break is terrifying! I never want to hurt anyone, especially my family! I'm trying my best to be gentle but most of the time I don't realize how hard I'm hugging. The only way I've found to stop myself other than not hugging my family (which I don't want to stop doing) is to have a moment of panic before I hug them where I give myself rules like don't hug from the side or don't hug too tightly. My family has never really minded other than a complaint about it every now and then. But with my sister being pregnant she has asked me to be gentle, so now every single time I hug her I have to have a moment of panic. I am worried about forgetting myself and hurting her. Now even my gentle hugs which are more like regular hugs are uncomfortable as her belly is growing so I have to adjust but I have no clue how to do that.
As for the clasping of my hands to make my hugs more gentle I'm afraid this wouldn't work. That would only put more pressure in front which would hurt my sister even more. If there are any specific rules that I could follow it would be really helpful!



ColanderHead76
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01 Dec 2017, 2:04 pm

I don't like very light or short hugs. I can hug too intensely for too long. I forget to ask people before hugging them. It's how I greet anyone. That's gotten me in trouble with a woman who sorta was angry I think said "don't hug me!". Now I fear or need to remember to ask. I'm struggling with it too because regardless of how I tell myself no, it still happens. Maybe we need to practice more? I love tight hugs through! :)
Lindsay



Raleigh
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01 Dec 2017, 3:34 pm

If you can't remember not to inflict pain on other people I don't know how to help you.
You kind of disgust me, to be honest.


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ColanderHead76
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01 Dec 2017, 7:09 pm

Hi,
Oh no, I'm definitely ending hugging. I don't want to hurt nor disgust anyone. I wish I was lucky enough to have a family. How awesome that must feel like. My birth parents disowned me learning of my chronic illnesses & need to be on disability around age 21. To them nothing is worse than requiring government assistance & dependant on others. :|



lostonearth35
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02 Dec 2017, 10:44 am

You've gotta love how if you've seen one autistic person, you *haven't* seen them all. A lot of us hate hugging and being touched in general. Sometimes I'll give or accept hugs from the few people I actually have positive feelings for, like my parents or my brother, but no one should be forced to give or receive hugs or kisses against their will. It gives the message that it's okay for other people to touch in ways that makes you feel bad, like sexual abuse.

Of course some people, mainly NTs, disagree with that. Go figure.



booksatrillion
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02 Dec 2017, 2:39 pm

@Raleigh Saying anyone is disgusting for wanting to get better at hugging in a gentle and respectful way is very rude. If you don't want to help or give advice please do not reply to my thread anymore.



Last edited by booksatrillion on 02 Dec 2017, 2:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

booksatrillion
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02 Dec 2017, 2:46 pm

@ColanderHead76 That sucks! I hope that you were able to find people who love and support you! Don't worry about the hugging, you just have to be aware of how hard you are hugging and be careful with people who are more fragile.



booksatrillion
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02 Dec 2017, 2:55 pm

@lostonearth35 Yeah! I think it's really interesting! And I'm personally the same way, I can only get hugs from my family and a few other people that I trust completely. I asked my sister if she wants me to stop hugging her altogether and she said no she just wants me to figure out a way to hug more gently. That's why I came here to ask for help :)



ColanderHead76
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02 Dec 2017, 3:50 pm

@booksatrillion, It's just me & caregiver. After a rare, however, diagnosis of pudendal bilateral nerve decompression surgery, I was kicked out homeless from my caregiver's/partner's family moldy unhealthy basement bc I was depressed from the diagnosis. I guess they think depression equals dangerous to them? It took years of being bed ridden to tolerate sitting. Still difficult. My birth mother refuses to be there for me in any way. I suspect she maybe less functioning than me? I don't exist to her. No solid family or friends. I fear loosing my older caregiver who understands me. But that's it. I even was ripped apart unexpectedly by last therapist I found I liked. He told me that I wasn't worth a recommendation or collegues. I have had 1 therapist a few yrs in past I liked. No longer covered by health insurance. This is 1st forum I'm taking a risk with. I'm very alone & for my life don't understand why my caregiver's family & my birth hate me so much. I no longer trust thetapists. I fear talking to people in person. I'm sorry for sharing too much. I understand it scares others away.



Raleigh
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02 Dec 2017, 5:05 pm

booksatrillion wrote:
@Raleigh Saying anyone is disgusting for wanting to get better at hugging in a gentle and respectful way is very rude. If you don't want to help or give advice please do not reply to my thread anymore.

I didn't say you were disgusting.
What you are saying disgusts me.
I can't really help how I feel, just as you can't help hugging too tightly.


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ColanderHead76
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02 Dec 2017, 5:18 pm

@Raleigh,
I stopped hugging bc I agree with you. Besides I'm always alone dependant upon a caregiver. I hope I never hurt someone with a hug. :/ I'm bed ridden.