Suicide

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I'm not sure if it's just me that this happens, but since I was 11 years old, whenever something went wrong the first thing I thought was suicide. I don't get to try, but that's very scary. Anything less than wrong, any time I'm exhausted I think about it. I wanted to know where it came from, it looks like it's automatic.

For me the immediate urge is self-harm (not suicide per se). Needing to escape the feeling and the internalizing of what I thought was "wrongness". Now I know better - it's strong feelings and differentness - I don't have to be "on the ball" all the time and can ask for help. That said, I've just realized this (late 40s) and have yet to practice this. I'm going to try EMDR and see if it helps diminish my strong reactivity. Sorry for the strong very unpleasant thought!