I always feel like I was kicked with someone's boot. do you?

Post Reply New Topic

I always have this feeling like someone kicked me with a boot.. like even if I am having fun with people, I always have a feeling of irony and strong feelings of sadness and overwhelm.. and I always stay out of experiences and never fully engage in an experience and drop my guard. Doing so feels vulnerable and out of control and regrettably I avoid it.. the downside of that is that I don't learn from the experience and miss out part of it.

I don't know about the "kicked with a boot" part, but I totally understand not fully engaging in the "here and now". I feel like I exert so much mental energy just getting from one minute to the next that I never fully am in the "now". My memory of events is crap because I really wasn't "there" at the time if you follow my meaning. It's hard to explain.

I sometimes feel like I got a raw deal in life compared to others due to various things out of my control(or full control) including various mental & physical issues/disabilities. I was bullied a lot physically & mentally in elementary school. I never had a good close relationship with my parents due to my various issues. They were very frustrated with me & the situation & they kinda took it out on me by being very critical & getting mad at me(especially mom). I've been taken advantage of in the workplace by being expected to do extra partly due to my work ethic. I also know that society judges me as a loser cuz I'm much less successful with life compared to others. I have problems paying attention due to ADD & I tend to zone out aLOT. Some of it may be due to me having problems relating to & connecting with others my whole life & being stressed out by various life stuff.
I know what you mean Steve about the bad memory.