Are You An Outsider?

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Are you constitutionally unable to conform to social expectations?

Are you punished because of that?

Do you not fit in, no matter how hard you try?

Have you given up trying?

Absolutely yes, to all of the questions. I've never delt like I truly belong anywhere in my entire life for more than about five minutes until I'm proven wrong. I've long since come to the conclusion that that's never going to change.

Yea.

Honestly?

This will sound weird cos I'm autistic but no.

I've been out of place twice or maybe 3 times in my life.

One was a poor choice by mum and if my auntie made it for my cousins it would have been a bad choice too and they wouldn't have coped/fit in either.

One was elderly, uneducated, bigoted women.

One I should've fit in and I'm not sure if I did or not was at uni for my MA. I had 'too much' of a personality. Everyone there was dull as a robot.Tbh I resent doing that course cos I got nothing out of it and it didn't suit me in terms of enjoyment without end goal.

I'm an outsider to the wider world. That's why I can't find work. I gave up on it after I got ill. But I've been in 3 schools and one nursery where I wasn't out of place and I wasn't out of place in my first uni and I wasn't out of place in 2 volunteering jobs and I'm not out of place with my family or friends - just picky on the friends front.

While I did felt out of place, occasionally commited social suicides, paid the price, had been in modes of thoughts regarding to it...

It won't matter for me.

I aim to get away with anything regardless of my capability and choice with conformity.

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Yes, felt like that all of my life.

Managed to 'survive' in the world of work for a couple of decades, but crashed and burned out of that and haven't been part of any organization or group ever since.

Never been married, no longer have any connection with family members.

Even feel like an 'outsider' on WP a lot of the time...

I had a therapist once ask me to describe myself in one word. I said "outsider".

Unable to conform? Yup.

Am I punished for it? Socially? No idea. I'm one of those 'oblivious to how others see me' types. As far as employment and things like that go, im sure I've not gotten a lot of jobs because my 'weirdness'.

do I not fit in no matter how hard I try? I don't think I try to.

Have I given up trying? I'm not sure if I ever have tried. If I have I don't recall.

I can be standoffish towards people, and usually I'm fine with it. It sucks sometimes though because I have no friends or people I talk to except family. The times I do wish I had someone around, I'm hit with the harsh reality that I have no one and that I chose this and did it to myself.

I can fit in if I choose to do so. But it takes a lot of energy and since it's not really 'me' doing it, I usually save it for times when I have no choice but to blend in.

Do you find yourself exhausted from constantly editing and censoring yourself, and itching to simply let it all hang out and say whatever it is irregardless?

Do you feel like your presence is never really wanted, barely tolerated?

Even in a 'safe space' like Wrong Planet, do you worry about what you just typed? Do you feel ashamed of it, like it should be erased before people actually see it?

That you will be judged, even excluded if it is understood?

I don't need 'safe spaces'.
If I can't take it, then I can't take it then. Whether or not I know I could, I made a choice. Instead, I'd need smarter ways to know when and where to express.

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Seriously? Both of your posts could have been lifted telepathically from my thoughts.

I've been thinking so heavily lately about how I've NEVER fit in, or fit in the way others fit in. I'm trying to pinpoint what it is about me that is so off putting. It's especially depressing lately because I thought it was my face or voice but so many people have gone out of their way to show such unkindness to me when I'm wearing a mask or not even speaking yet that it's appalling.

I'm thinking that it's my hair color and I feel like I've been experiencing real prejudice.

I never fit in enough at work and I'm serious when I say people who are sworn enemies unite in friendship against me soon after I start at a new place. I feel like I'm constantly in an invisible battle trying to protect my reputation. I've tried to tell myself its all in my head but I've been in the situation enough times to know its real.

The bad thoughts have been so present the past week that it forced me to come on here as I have in the past for some relief. Never posted before though for reasons you state.

Thank you for making me feel understood.

Welcome to the Wrong Planet, elceenowlab

Yeah i've always struggled fitting in.