Still Awake.

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I am still awake and worrying about things. Yet worry never solves the issues. I may as well just stay awake now.

Good morning.
How about a walk?

I did get sleep somehow as I juat have woken up but it is mid day.

I am being careful as lack of sleep due to stress or worry can make me burn out so I need to try to look after myself.

I know this!
Insufficient sleep slows me down to the point of shutdown - that's why my teachers in high school were sure I was abusing drugs

I get my mind bouncing when I hit burnout. Glitching between masking and unmasking like that Wrecking Ralph character. Unmasking feels like being naked in public. I can get whole strings of partial shutdowns one after the next after the next... Hits me physically so every movement takes great effort and it feels like I am wearing a heavy suit of armour. I have no strength as well so I can't hold cops without putting my other hand under it etc, etc, etc.
It looks like I am drunk when in a partial shutdown which is good because if I get a full shutdown I am on the floor in a floppy state unable to move my limbs and have lost my eyesight etc... So as it looks like I have been drinking people keep away from me which is good because if they made a fuss I would get more shutdowns.
The truth be told, I hardly drink a thing. A few units spread over a whole year and half of that is communion wine, and the rest is a small amount of wine with Christmas meals.
I have never been fully drunk in my life though I have been tipsy on two or three rare occasions and have never ever had a hangover. The reason is that I feel drunk enough with a partial shutdown so the thought of being actually drunk on top of that as well is horrible. I am puzzled how people actually like getting drunk. I would never actually want to have a shutdown. To me I spend my life trying to avoid them. Why would I want to have shutdowns?
I panic when having them if I am stuck in the wrong enviroment and I cant get out because people will make a fuss and I will not be able to recover.
Shutdowns do not last that long as far as I am aware, but recovering so I can get up and walk does take a long time and when I have had one, I am vunerable to getting another. Usually takes me 20 to 30 minutes of lying on the floor quietly before I can get up and walk which is why I would panic if it happens where I am not in a suitable enviroment ad location.
If I am in a quiet location then I don't panic at all and recovery of lying there waiting may only take 15 minutes.
I do get exhausted ad can go in a shaky sweating stage when I need food which will give me energy to recover.

I relate to this heavy armour comparison... every move becomes a fully concious effort. And I start dropping things if I'm not focused on holding them.

Right now I'm managing my sleep schedule by meds - that's far from perfect but I need to survive in a far from perfect situation.