Funny, corny joke thread

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• After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

• Being friends with co-workers is like having pet tigers -- fun in theory but you still wonder when they will turn on you.

• Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

• I am aspirin' to be a chemist.

• I applied for a job in Australia but seems I do not have the right koalifications.

• I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I could not cut the mustard.

• I became a professional fisherman but discovered that I could not live on my net income.

• I became an archaeologist. Before long, my career was in ruins.

• I considered telemarketing, but it was not my calling.

• I did not like my job as a waiter, ut at least I was putting food on the table.

• I focused on being a photographer, but nothing ever developed.

• I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.

• I got a job as a human cannonball. It was a high-caliber position, but I had a short fuse and got fired.

• I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was not up to it.

• I got fired as a yoga instructor, even after I had bent over backwards for those people!

• I got fired from the unemployment office, and still had to show up the next day.

• I had a job at an orange juice cannery, but I could not concentrate.

• I had a job making stationery, but I was not going anywhere.

• I just lost my job as a psychic . . . I guess I just did not see that coming.

• I love being a maze designer because I get completely lost in my work.

• I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

• I quit my job at the helium factory because I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

• I quit my job working for Nike because I just could not do it anymore.

• I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I did not have any patients.

• I think I am doing a good job as an attorney, but the jury is still out.

• I think my job interview to be a bug sorter went well because I boxed all the right ticks.

• I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

• I thought about being a knife-maker. I made great blades, but I just could not handle it.

• I thought about fortune-telling, but I could not make a prophet and did not see a future in it.

• I tried to be a chef because I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just did not have the thyme.

• I tried to be a tailor, but I just was not suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.

• I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

• I used to be a postman until I got the sack.

• I wanted to be a baker because really kneaded the dough.

• I wanted to be a barber, but I just could not cut it.

• I wanted to be a computer programmer, but I could not hack it.

• I wanted to be a pet groomer, but I could not make heads or tails of it.

• I wanted to be a tree doctor, but I faint at the sight of sap.

• I wanted to get into the engineering field, but I burned too many bridges.

• I was a dentist for a while, but it was like pulling teeth.

• I was training to be a sound technician, but I could not handle feedback.

• I worked at Krispy Kreme, but I quickly got fed up with the hole business.

• I worked at the bank as a teller for a while…until I started losing interest.

• I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just could not hack it, so they gave me the ax.

• Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.

• My best job was being a musician, but eventually, I found I was not noteworthy.

• My friend wanted to be a proctologist, but the practical exam rectum.

• Now I have gotten into astronomy, and my whole career is looking up.

• Sure, I am willing to work longer hours at work, but only if they are lunch hours.

Interviewer: What is your greatest weakness?

Aspie: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics.

Interviewer: Could you give me an example?

Aspie: Yes I could.

Interviewer: Let us try again . . . your resume says you take things too literally.

Aspie: When did my resume learn to speak?

Interviewer: Last chance . . . what is the one word that defines you?

Aspie: Pronoun.

^Reminds me of a conversation with one of the WP members. Sorry

I think that ultra-violet light may be autistic . . .

A joke that is of the "Dark Humor" genre . . .

Question:

Two Philosophers are lost at the top of a mountain.  Philosopher #1 pulls out a map and peruses it for a while.  Then he turns to Philosopher #2 and says: "Hey, I've figured it out!  I know where we are!"

"Where are we then?"

"Do you see that mountain over there?"

"Yes."

"Well, THAT is where we are!"

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

We here in Roosha see how you Americans alvays boast, and brag about your country.

Example, my American friend he say "in America ve haf freedom of speech".

He say "I can go to Vashington, I can go to Vite House. I can go to obal office. I can go to desk of President of U.S. Joe Biden. Look heem in eye, and say 'Joe Bide! You are son of beetch', and no consequence happens to me!"

Eez no big deal!

Here in Roosha, is same ting.

I can go to Moscow. I can go to Kremlin. I can go into office of President of Rooshin Republic Vladimir Putin. I can go up to heez desk. Look heem in da eye, and say "Vladimir Putin! Joe Biden...he is son of beetch!", and no consequence happens to me either!

The average cat has 9 lives and the computer-savvy cat has 1001.

here's this old soviet-era joke about a hapless soviet bureaucrat who kicks the bucket and finds himself in soviet hell- the soviet devil greets him warmly [warmly, get it?], "Comrade, you must know you are now in hell! but i will give you choice between two different parts of hell- capitalist hell, and communist hell." bureaucrat asks the devil, "what in hell is the difference?" and devil tells him, "in capitalist hell, a nail will be driven into your butt every day! this will not happen like this in soviet hell." the now alarmed bureaucrat says, "ok, to hell with that! i choose the communist hell!" and devil tells him, "very wise choice, indeed... oh, ahem, i forgot to tell you, that although a nail will not be driven into your butt every day in communist hell, on last day of month, ALL 30 NAILS WILL BE DRIVEN INTO YOUR BUTT! HAHAHAHAH...."

Another Soviet-era Communist joke . . .

A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell, and was told he had a choice to make.  He could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist Hell.

Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to Capitalist Hell.  There outside the door was Rockefeller, looking bored.

"What's it like in there?" asked Dave.

"Well," he replied, "In Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock, let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."

"That's terrible!!" gasped Dave.  "I'm going to check out Communist Hell!"

He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in; the line circled around the lobby seven times before receding off into the horizon.  Dave pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing people in.  Dave asked Karl what Communist Hell was like.

"In Communist Hell," said Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to rock, let vultures tear out liver, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."

"But... but that's the same as Capitalist Hell!" protested Dave.

"Da, komrad," sighed Marx, "but sometimes we don't have oil, sometimes we don't have knives..."

Another Commie joke . . .

Two communists are sitting together at a nudist colony.

One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?"

The second replies, "Yes, and I think it is . . .

Still another Commie joke . . .

A son asks his father what Communism is, and the father starts explaining:

"Well, son, once upon a time there was this man named Lenin, except his real name was Uljanov.  He had a friend named Stalin, except he wasn't his friend and his name was Dzugashvili.  They started the October revolution, except it wasn't a revolution, it was a coup, and it wasn't in October, it was in November . . ."

"Geeze, dad, what a convoluted mess of lies and deception!" proclaims the son.

The dad replies . . .

This time, a Putin joke . . .

How does every Putin joke in Russia start?

This time, a Biden/Putin joke . . .

Joe Biden calls Putin on the Red Phone to discuss the latest situation.  He shares with Putin: "I had an interesting dream -- I saw Moscow, full of light, joy, dancing, and laughter, with people driving luxury cars -- just like it was before all these war sanctions.  There were neon lights and billboards all over the city!"

At this point, Putin asks: "And what did these billboards say?"

Biden responds . . .