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It's almost 7am.
I spent 3 hours doing nothing.

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I'm proud of myself as I can now trim my toenails without having to be a contortionist.

I've been exploring again, because it's a nice distraction from life events and feelings:

What looked like a cave "entrance" ended up being an actual cave, albeit you aren't going to get into it without a lot of work. I haven't found the other one yet, but apparently it's still here going by word of mouth. Rivers, bases of mountains, and there's going to be a cave complex of some sort. The fern and mushroom fields under the canopy are still there (which look alien compared to the rest of the forest). Lots of new animal paths and tracks. A tip there: look for the "bright" areas on the ground compared to the darker ones. It's a good way to find recent disturbances and tracks.

I sometimes camp out in the middle of it all at night.

I wonder...

I can distinguish that I'm a female that just feel not-feminine, and not really a female with a masculine identity.

Only because I know that I also feel not-masculine, and possibly because most of my exposure are mainly feminine inclined.


It's like this genderless self at the core, with multiple feminine layers.
And having to distinguish that as genderless despite not having the masculine element to compare and contrast with -- without mistaking the genderless contrast against feminine as masculine.


Meaning, yeah.
I can already grasp what non-binary gender is by the age of 5. I just don't have the words or even the images for it.
There's also no way of expressing it except the vague remarks of being a 'tomboy' -- even that didn't fit.
Until much, much later.

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Foggy this morning

“Allegory of a Cave” is a great work.

Bought some spam yesterday
As the supermarket is bare of meat
Owing to floods/omicron
Unless chicken hearts are to your taste.
Spam isn't as bad as I thought it would be
Quite pleasant
On a cracker.

Three hours in to putting away Christmas stuff.

Here's what I've done:

1) Get the bins from downstairs
2) Put some lights which were already in the bin, in a ziplock bag.

Time for a break.

I can't wait to bring my Christmas stuff all out again.

I feel so spoiled and greedy. I am such a lucky person but i am not aware of it.

Not.
Your.
Whipping boy.
Every lash of your tongue
Flays my insides.
I'm not the enemy.

Either accept the fact that I needed sanctuary out of necessity, and would find every excuse to be in it.

Or completely cannot rely on sanctuary because I hate relying on it out of necessity.


It's not really about the relying part that bothers me.
It's the necessity part that frustrates me.

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Yeah cats keep crying outside, I don't know if they're fukking other cats, or eating rats, or just whiny brats. (Hey! that rhymed....I did that on purpose.)

It is not as cold today as it was yesterday.