I was depressed. I would have gotten sucked into a black hole if I sdidn't have some outer stimulation as a lifeline. But I wasn't getting it, and the best way to get it temporarily was to do something really stimulating, perhaps even slicing myself, that would probably kill me or get me into tons of trouble, where people called me stupid or crazy or said things like "Buck up and grow up" or "Survival of the fittest" or "Natural selection" or "Stop that!" or "That's gross, stop that!" or "Look at that stupid freak" or "Get your act together" or something that would make me even more depressed, deprive me of the stimulation I needed to get out of the black hole and give me enough understimulation/antistimulation/depression to push me further in. So I couldn't. Therefore, I "didn't want to kill myself". When I told my shrink that, when I went to him, it was an emergency, I was hoping they'd have stimulants on hand or emergency fast-acting antidepressants, but they don't! In the Psychiatry department at the University of Alberta Hospital! He said that since I didn't want to kill myself right then it wasn't an emergency. And that if I came in there when it was about ot close or just closed they might have taken me to Emergency and give me injections and s**t; that I was very lucky and he was so relieved he had been coming out of his office as I came in there.
they really ought to be supplied for emergencies, or I might not have lost bits of my soul!
