This week's horoscopes (a joke)

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THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPES, BY THE WORLD'S MOST HATED ASTROLOGER, HODOR MYSTICUS.

First of all, I'd like to apologise for these horoscopes being a day late. There were some...unforeseen circumstances, even we expert clairvoyants can't get it right all the time, you know.

Well, another week is upon us, but do not despair. Due to the rare alignment of Pisces and Jupiter, this week will bring unprecedented bad fortune. But worry not, things could still get a lot worse.

Aquarius – 20 Jan-18 Feb

Sometimes problems just creep up behind you without any warning, just like the angry bull that will throw you headfirst into the mud some time this week. As you scrape your bruised and bloodied head from the ground, remember that, no matter how bad the situation, there is still a chance that it could get even worse. Knowing your luck, it probably will. Also remember not to ignore the BEWARE OF THE BULL signs as you nurse your tender noggin with witch hazel.

Pisces - 19 Feb-20 Mar

This week will start off badly, and get progressively worse. The drunken driver that knocks you into the fence and smashes all of your ribs could just as easily have swerved to avoid you, but good fortune, which has not been on your side for some time, totally abandons all hope of making your life any better this week. Still, at least you have those piranhas that you won in a crossword competition to look after.

Aries – 21 Mar-19 Apr

This week, you will find love in the most unexpected of places. Sadly, however, the attraction will not be mutual. On Thursday, you will finally stop making a fool of yourself and decide to try harder at work to impress your boss. On Friday your boss will reveal to you that he or she simultaneously made the decision to relieve you of your job. Unfair sometimes, isn’t it?

Taurus – 20 Apr-20 May

This week, you finally come to terms with the fact that those mysterious death threats that have been left on your desk over the last couple of weeks were, in fact, all addressed to you. On Wednesday you come close to proving who it is who wants you dead, but you already know who it is, don’t you? On Friday, your coffee will be poisoned - again.

Gemini – 21 May-21 June

You finally get round to changing your bank PIN after your account is emptied for the sixteenth time. You find that you are unable to claim compensation because nobody will take you seriously, although later in the week, you will find an unexpected package that has arrived through the post. You will eventually recover from the anthrax infection.

Cancer – 22 June-22 July

A parcel that you sent to Famine Aid is returned to you with an angry letter explaining that the items you sent were not of a good enough quality. You feel that however hard you try to help people, nobody ever thanks you for your pains. Try a little harder next time, or better still, just give up.

Leo – 23 July-22 Aug

The old folks in the residential home feel that you are becoming an unwanted pest and a nuisance with your visits and your home-baked burnt shortbread biscuits that taste like cardboard. On Thursday, you will learn that you have been permanently banned from the residential home, and on Friday, two grannies will viciously attack you in the streets and force you to eat their knitted stockings. Remember, if you don’t leave the old people alone, they won’t leave you alone.

Virgo – 23 Aug-22 Sep

Well, you only have yourself to blame. They did tell you that it was a supporting wall, and in your usual foolish manner, you went ahead and knock it down. But just look at all the stars. It’s a view you’ll have to get used to. As if things couldn’t get any worse, you find out on Thursday that your car has been stolen. Following the right clues and making some wise and shrewd decisions will lead you to the location of your car, but judging by your usual stupidity, that is simply too much to expect.

Libra – 23 Sep-23 Oct

Things will be good at the beginning of the week, but towards the end of the week, you finally succumb to the mysterious virus that has swept through the area. During your rare moments of non-vomiting, you notice that your house has sunk a further two inches, and you decide to erect a ladder to allow you to leave the front door. This move turns out to be fraught with peril, and on Friday, you fall off the ladder and crack your ankle.

Scorpio – 24 Oct-21 Nov

After spending all day Monday plucking the long, wiry hair from between your toes, you finally decide to see a doctor about the mysterious black fur that’s recently been growing all over your body. The visit to the doctor proves to be unfruitful but on Tuesday you find a pair of hedge clippers stored in an unexpected place. You use the hedge clippers to remove the hair growing out of your nose but accidentally chop the whole thing off. Luckily, it doesn’t matter because your nose looks like a half-eaten French stick anyway. On Friday, more hair grows out of the stump that was once your nose, and something inside you persuades you to take decisive action, this time with fatal consequences.

Sagittarius – 22 Nov-21 Dec

This week starts off badly and finishes on an equally disastrous note. On Monday, somebody close to you sustains horrific injuries in a freak accident, which causes you to question why you hid the TNT in the shed in the first place. On Wednesday, the voices inside your head have a serious argument and on Friday, your scorpion bite gets worse. A trip to the doctors might solve some of your problems at this point, but then again, it’s probably too late.

The Other One - 22 Dec-19 Jan

Giant fish tanks are always fun to look at, but not to fall in, as you find out on Wednesday. You will also find out that it's best to walk round an open drain, not to fall in. Still, the resulting injuries you sustain are nothing that the doctors cannot fix. This time.

The Onion is a great place to get horoscopes:

I've really felt like mine for some days now.

I do full profiles BTW if you're ever interested.