I spent the end of 2006 and the entirety of 2007 working a crappy retail job. I began as a cashier, and over the course of about six months had been promoted to assistant manager, first assistant manager, and eventually store manager. My boss, the District manager, was a thoroughly unpleasant woman. It takes a lot to get a salaried store manager to walk out of a job, and she had lost 4 in three years. Even by retail standards, the employee turnover was awful. In the seven months that I managed the store, we lost exactly zero employees. Morale was great, sales were way up, everything was good. However, I wasn't managing like I was told. Something I read a long time ago, and firmly believe, is that if you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always gotten. So, it seemed apparent to me that the way she wanted me to run things was doomed to failure, so I decided that it was time for a change. In spite of the increases in sales, the reduction in inventory variance, etc., that eventually got me relieved of my job. Since then, all of the employees that worked for me have been leaving steadily. As of right now, one remains. He called me this week to let me know that he would finally be quitting, and that we really ought to celebrate. And by celebrate, I mean have some fun at our ex-employer's expense.
Every Monday afternoon, the DM holds a conference call with all of the store managers in her district. The conference is handled by a separate company, and can be accessed by any phone, provided you have the correct extension and passcode. This was designed so that in the event that a manager was sick/out of the store/on vacation, that they would still be able to make the call every Monday. So, our last remaining mole is going to get the necessary information to all of the ex-employees, and we're going to have some fun with it. We figure that our best course of action is to pace ourselves slowly with some minor acts spaced out over several weeks, eventually ending in one final grand act of fun. So, we're brainstorming ideas on what we should do to start out, and how we should top it all off. I'll get a small list going of ideas so far, and hopefully some of you will be able to contribute some ideas of your own.
*Low-Key Annoyances*
- Play cheesy porno music at a barely-audible volume
- Breathe directly into the mouthpiece
- Periodically press buttons on the phone
- Groan after suggestions
- If there is a maximum occupancy, enlist some friends to help fill the call before the managers get there
- Test everybody's hearing with sporadic high/low frequency tones
*Show-Stoppers*
- Play audio from an actual porno at a very audible volume
- Spend a week or two learning the managers and their mannerisms and recruit some people to impersonate
- Pretend that one of the stores is being robbed during the call
- Attempt to make a conference between my line into the call, and a phone sex operator
- Offer helpful suggestions via the Duke Nukem Soundboard (http://www.soundboard.com/sb/solrosin.aspx)
- Hold down the '1' key every time the DM begins to talk
21 Jul 2008, 9:15 pm
