Adaptation

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I've been reading a lot of comments on this forum, and I've noticed quite a few patterns.
One of them especailly, I'd like to bring up as a discussion.

The biggest problem we all seem to share, is facing the norms set by society describing how people should act.
The secret rules of whats okay, whats not, and what will make you stand out like a sore thumb when attempting to make new friends.

In elementary school I noticed this issue right off the bat. Other children thought I was weird.
Teachers thought I was weird.
And because of this weirdness, they treated me differently, usually negatively.

From that point on I've been seeking knowledge about it.
I discovered that most of this "Weirdness" is in physical actions in public.

Such as my poor control of my facial expressions, or my slurred speech.

And now, I've started to try and adapt.

I think of it like a puzzle. One piece at a time, I'm making myself display normal.
I study other people, normal people, and attempt to mimic and pick up their body signals.

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This is a forum to discuss "Adaptation" into normal people's set up.
A place to compare ideas, notes, etc.
Tactics, even, for handling normal people.

Let me tell you one thing, there is no such thing as 'normal'. When you find 'normal' people please let me know

I am NT but does that make me 'normal', no it doesn't. Adapting is a great skill to learn so good on you for that.
I am teaching my HFA child (5 years old) to adapt to some things. Simplier things like a diffferent breakfast than yesterday or maybe a tiny change to routine.

Pardon my lazy use of the word "Normal." Makes writing easier when you don't have to stop and put a disclaimer on each reference to NT society.


I understand that no one is perfect, or normal. That that word is simply an ideal.

Again, my apologies for not explaining this at least once.
XD I'm tired.

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So I've found. Its a useful skill to appear like everyone else. I like to pretend I'm some sort of spy, or perhaps even an alien, and I'm sneaking into society weither I'm "Normal" Or not.

Its quite fun when I unravel one of your mysteries. Even if it is a bit childish of me to treat this like a game.
It just makes it more fun and less like work.

Other wise coping everything would be exhausting.

Good job with the child by the way. I like the technique you are using of gently encouraging things, early on.

I wish some one had done that for me.
Then maybe change would not be so bitter and shocking for me.

LISTS.

Lists make me extremely more productive then when I'm left to my own devices. It makes it so much easier to do a lot of things to have them on a sticky note, dangling from my finger.
Then I just do them, one by one, in order, and I feel so much less stressed out about forgetting them.
Plus, I can double check to make sure I did everything, and correctly.

Makes house hold tasks, home work, everything easier.

EYE CONTACT

I shared this fact awhile ago with the people of this site.

Whenever you think its a good idea to make eye contact (talking to some one.) but really really don't want to look into the persons eyes...
Look at their eye brows.
Their cheeks.
The rim of their glasses.
It makes the impression you are looking at them, while you feel at least a little bit more comfortable.

I am good at imitating the behaviours of others. It's one of the reasons I wasn't diagnosed earlier. I did as other people did. I no longer do this much now.

I managed to trick the man that tried to diagnose me.
Its not a good thing, really, yet some how I'm proud.

I had a complete fit before and after, but while I was in there, I stared him in the eye, took deep breaths, and tried to be normal.

>.>;

He didn't even noticed I was totally stemming with the hand in my pocket.
Lousy free doctor.

Didn't like him any way.
*Mutters*

^

""EYE CONTACT""

*shutter*

Thats a tuff one, for some resason i dont look people in the eyes,
never. (or i shouldn`t say never, it happens of course and there
have been exceptions, but it hasn`t gotten any better the latest years)
I get a nightmarish feeling as soon as i make eyecontact
with someone, as if i`m looking at something weird or something.
People often think i dont pay attention and say "hello, i`m talking
to you, can you look at me?" Then i get annoyed and say "i hear you
just fine, i dont listen with my eyes!! !" Find it much easier talking to
people who are the same way, because they never expect me to look
at them, and they dont look at me

I see learning is mentioned here, this is my recepie:

Watch! --> Imitate! --> Learn! --> Create! --> the sky`s the limit

Last edited by ImTheGuyThatDidThat on 22 Aug 2008, 12:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

i just like to be me... but somehow that just works for me. meh. a few people see me as wierd but i have alot of friends. however i respect your couragiousness in adapting . tbh... i could never do so for fear of losing myself. i wouldn't even take anti-depression pills!

Eye contact --

I fear it too. I know what you mean about that nightmareish feeling. I don't know why, but looking into some one's eyes feels like I'm trying to stare at their soul. And personally, I don't want to know whats going on in some ones head. I don't want to see their emotions or expressions, thats intimidating to me.

But if i'm admiring their glasses, that doesn't bother me as much.
And they still get that NT happiness that your making contact with them.

Its usually about meeting people half way.

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I'm never afraid of loosing who I am. I feel that what I learn and display is simply an addition, and its not removing any of the old stuff.

I just switch off the normal act as soon as I'm back in my house.

I just desperately need it in all my after school functions.
Other wise, I wouldn't be able to go to them.

It takes a lot of the stress out when people aren't bugging me about how I act.

I haven't nailed down adaptive techniques yet. I find that if I focus on trying to seem normal in certain situations I just end up losing out on the rest of the experience. Like when I'm standing and talking to someone. I stand perfectly still with my feet together, my arms straight down at my sides, and my back straight. It's how I'm comfortable. If I just let it be at that I can sometimes gain something from the conversation. But if I notice that I'm being seen as weird for how I'm standing I start to focus on standing in a more normal, relaxed way. The problem there is that I'm no longer paying much attention to the person I'm talking to because I'm so focused on being more presentable, and I lose the conversation.

Conversation itself is another one. If I just go with my nature and do more observing than participating it works out fine. But if I get to a point where I've been silent long enough that it starts to seem awkward I start to feel pressure to join the group. That pressure makes my mind go blank, and I end up losing anything I might have had to say. Usually this will lead to me chiming in ten minutes later about a topic the rest of the group has long forgotten, and I have no clue where the conversation is now.

I guess my form of adaptation is just to let the people I work with adapt to me.

Welcome back, by the way.

hold on. iv just thought. the whole eye contact thing... does that mean that some people on the aspergers forum are scared of my avatar/dont like it? heh. that would also mean they asociate me with scaryness/unpleasantness ^^. he he. im evil without trying!

For me its just in the up-close face-to-face thing, avatars
and such doesn`t bother me, its not the eyes themselfes,
its something else, i dont know what. But there have been
people this didnt happen with, for example my ex-girlf.
Closest i get to describing it, is that its not the eyes themself
but whats "in" them, and there i run into a huge problem
because the "in" part i have no words for what is

I really, really dislike the term 'neurotypical' for this reason. I don't think any one of us would appreciate being referred to as a 'typical aspie' or 'typical autistic', so I don't see why it's ok to refer to basically everyone off the spectrum as 'typical'. The tone of the word just strikes me as somewhat dismissive and labeling, so I try to avoid it.

It's really just a very, very good example of outgroup homogeneity bias, and I personally find it annoying.

Sorry - tangent. Carry on.

if it helps... the fire of my soul rages in my eyes.... the burning... the burning of my sins of the past... buuuuurniiiiiiing...
hence: coregazer ;p. so yeah. fire basicly ;p.

I see....

I've been through all of that myself, trust me. Especially the getting lost in conversations thing.
That, and instead of standing still, I seem to be incapable of it at times.
I have to move around, which sometimes results in people thinking I'm not listening. (My mom told me this. I had no clue until she informed me. Thanks mom!)

I'm not sure if you really want to try to adapt or not, sometimes it works to just find friends who are fine with who you are and how your comfortable. I have a few select friends who could care less if I stem in public or go off on a tangent they don't want to hear about.

But you might try some things, if you feel like it.
For some simple examples, I always play the clown when I find I'm not having a very controlled moment. This is accepted by my friends as intentional joking around, because we are a bunch of teenagers.
Now, if you think about it now and then, their might be something you can do.

Like, when I have nothing to add to a converstation and everyone is talking, or waiting for me to talk, I'll pull something ridiculous.

"OH! OH! GUYS ! HEY GUYS!!"
"What? What is it?"
"... Do you realize that I like cheese? Really? Good. Carry on. What were we talking about?"
And this some how makes my friends think of me as funny and enjoyable. And I get a moment to stall the converstation, and relearn what the topic is, so I might be able to add something serious in the next gap.

Um.. Yeah. Not sure how to explain that one. Its a personal thing you have to figure out for yourself.

I've never been able to fully get rid of that mind blankness thing. I just adapt it into random silliness that gives me a moment to calm down and think about what I want to say.

Sometimes I'll ask simple questions when some one is talking. This both gives them the boost of feeling like they are important, and that you are listening.
And it gives you a moment to think.

" This one time, I went to a camp, and had a great time -"

"What kind of camp? "

"Oh, you know, a dance camp."

"Really? Thats awesome... I like dancing too."

That kind of thing.
Where as with out the question I wouldn't know the other person dances, and I wouldn't have anything to say about camps.
I'd loose what they were talking about and get distracted.

Um... As for posture, thats really just something to explain to people. If they ask "Why so tense?" Just shrug and say your mom taught you to have good posture.
Its amazing how much people are actually willing to accept if your just nonchalant about it.


I don't know if any of that helps?

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Thank you.
Its good to be back.

Exactly.
I love to draw eyes in my spare time.
They don't bother me, rather, I like how they work. (fascinating things, if you ever get to look at how they work.)

But when SOME ONE looks at me, thats different.
An eye is a something. It bothers me as much as hair, or noses, or rocks.
Its an object.

Its a person's soul. Their emotions. Their thoughts.
All those things are wrapped up into the eyes. Windows into a persons true nature.

And its over whelming to have to stare into them. And see and sense all of that at once.

Too much.
Too scary.
Over whelming.