Dissappointed with my Father

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A little background first: My father has a penchant for sending out verbose e-mails about the failings of the world, politics, religion and how he seems to be the only one in the world to notice. Last week he sent out one such long e-mail with the title Proud To Be White. You can readily imagine what the content of that e-mail was like. I replied with the following response:

Yesterday I received the following response to my response:


How would you react to this kind of e-mail?

Except for the first and last sentences, it all makes perfect sense to me.

Waitiminit- I know I have a surprised face around here somewhere.........

Nope. Musta lost it.

Well, it doesn't make much sense to me... but then, I don't read conservative magazines or listen to right-wing talk radio.

Rhetorical: Why should he be offended at you not wanting any more of his emo rants?
Opinion: Lobotomies for gays won't solve his hatred of them.

My dad was also racist, sexist, and an abusive alcoholic. When I left his house, I told him exactly what I thought of him and his sorry excuse for parenting. He refused to comprehend that any child of his would not want to work in a labor-intensive union-controlled industry, but instead pursue a more cerebral profession like engineering. He was very intolerant of the intellectual classes in high school (biology, calculus, chemistry, and physics), and ridiculed me for not taking advanced shop classes. He hated the fact that I excelled in Chess Club and had no interest in football ... et cetera ...

So I know what it's like to have an intolerant father.

You may be better off keeping your distance, both physically and emotionally. I suggest that you define his email address as "Junk" and let your email service handle it for you.

Oddly enough, I hadn't thought of that.
Thanks for the tip!

I do wonder ( a lot actually) just where his head is at. I have a very hard time imagining myself living in a world where it seems everyone is out to get me (so to speak) as he seems to feel. Fortunately, they live in Wisconsin and I live in California. We only see each other once every 3-5 years or so. I guess in this instance distance is a blessing.

Incredulously, with lashings of bemusement.

Ouch. I'm sorry Quilter.
I believe it is best not to reply and block his email address as previously mentioned. However you might want to consider the future of your relationship - eg if you have to see him for holidays. Will he be able to be civil to you knowing that you are ignoring him (and vice versa)? Or what if he needs to contact you for an urgent matter - eg one of your relatives is in the hospital?

Just things to ponder that may move you to take an action to smooth over the relationship although he is clearly in the wrong here.

(For the record, none of the above situations would bother me. I personally would block his address without regret. I just like to offer differing viewpoints for consideration.)

I hear ya! And yes, the issue is further complicated by my mother's health: She had a radical double mastectomy a couple months ago following months of chemo. The radiation she undergoes noe is incredibly debilitating and she has developed a staph infection from the surgery.... So I'm almost always calling to see how she's doing, etc. (Un)fortunately they live in WI while I am in CA so visits are infrequent.

Well then I guess your best bet would be to just swollow your (justifiable) pride and just apologize for offending him and let the hurtful dig he took at you pass so that you can continue checking up on your mother.

Sucks.

In Gmail I just put a filter that marks as read emails from people I don't care.

And do as Mith says, family is family, one can't choose them.

Just for disclosure: I'm admittedly a very liberal person. In large part, it's a reaction to coming from a very socially conservative household. However, I've also come to believe from years of personal experience that these beliefs are very wrong. My beliefs have evolved greatly, to the point that I wholeheartedly disagree with your father, probably to the same level you do.

My point is that persons who hold deep prejudices and bigotry honestly can't fathom disagreement and are hurt by a loved one's disagreement. They are stuck in a feedback loop, psychologically speaking, and filter information that can't be fed into the loop.
A disagreement can be easily interpreted by him as a criticism of his value as a person, not as a writer. Considering the tone of his e-mails, he probably has some psychiatric issues which block the ability to empathize. In my opinion, he sounds like a bit of an intellectual narcissist, which can be difficult for any of his loved ones to handle.

Though you can't dissuade him directly from his opinions, you are entitled to your own POV of course. It is not your fault that he took it so negatively either. He simply can't relate to you.

Quoting from a fellow poster, see if you can set up these e-mails from him as "read" automatically, as possible in Gmail, etc.

Does he not see the irony in being a racist and gay at the same time? While racism is no longer controversial or acceptable for most of the world's people, homosexuality still is. Anybody?

To follow up: "proud to be white" is not racist in itself, anyone should be entitled to be proud of their heritage, whether European, African, Asian, Aborigine, whatever. However, in the US it is considered direct code of entry into David Duke land, and all of the neo-Nazi crap that comes with it.

Personally, I think racial categorization is a joke. As a number of geneticists have pointed out, there is so much individual variation among "white" or "African" or "Asian" people that categorization becomes meaningless. Race is a context created by the human mind as a byproduct of generic primate xenophobia. It is something we are taught to look for.

I tend to be very hopeful of young people about racism and homophobia. For most of them, these issues don't seem to matter, and I envy them because I wish I was raised in the same context.

Peace,
Warren