Arrogant vs. Confident----Where's the Line?

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I have been told by people, in person, that I can come-off as arrogant, sometimes. I don't understand that because, to ME, "arrogant" means someone who thinks they're better than other people, and I don't think that, AT ALL. I'm "aggressive" in, for instance, asking people questions, cuz I hunger for truth / knowledge..... Is "aggressive", "arrogant"?

Also, I'm confident in what I know, as well as what I DON'T know----and, I don't have a problem with saying "I was wrong", or "I don't know". I actually had someone tell me, once, that people dislike me just-as-much for saying "I was wrong", as they dislike me for being RIGHT!?!? What am I suppose to do, with THAT? I mean, to ME, that's THEIR problem----BUT, that attitude doesn't get you friends, no.1; and, no.2, is that what arrogance, IS?

I'm so confused.....

When we know we're right, we're right. I think that is the problem. It shouldn't be, but I think people think to themselves, "How does she know she's right?" and assume that we are putting on airs and being presumptuous about our rightness rather than assuming that we actually have knowledge about something that brings us to our right conclusions.

I also think people get intimidated when we have already come to a right conclusion about something they are just beginning to think about. It's almost like when I read a mystery novel or watch a mystery movie and know who did it within the first 10 minutes and accidentally give it away (or afterwards, admitting that I knew so early on.) It is almost wrong that I knew so early, and bringing any attention to it at all is seen as "arrogant."

We may not be purposefully "showing off", but other people take it that way.

I do believe that "aggressive" and "assertive" can also be interpreted as arrogant. It seems that people take questioning as an attack or as a haughty attitude. They might think that you, as the questioner, think you know more than them because you are not taking them at their word and demanding "proof" in the form of explanation.

This very issue is probably the one where I have the hardest time in social situations. *This* is where I feel I can't be myself. Giving my opinion on anything, asking people about their opinions, asking for detail about things that people share, talking about my interests...Any time this stuff comes up in conversation, I end up looking like a know-it-all who is either boasting about what I know or do, or is willing to leave people in the dust or talk over their heads (which are both considered rude.) If I talk about a special interest in any detail (for me, it is music particularly theory), then I would be considered arrogant for thinking I'm so important as to waste others' time by talking about something so heady and off-track for "normal" people.

So, I have found the best way to get by is to shut up. I talk much, much, much less than I did when I was younger.

The first advice I remember my mother ever giving me (besides to quit biting my nails which I never did) was to "hide my smarts". I've learned how to do that more & more over the years.

Now I know you, Cat, have an interview coming up. The place where I can freely show what I can do or know is before other professionals in my field, especially before those who are judging my work. (I don't win friends by showing what I can do before "peers", but if I am in competition with them in some way, oh well, I need to show what I can do.) I would think that in an interview situation, it is appropriate to matter-of-factly demonstrate your knowledge and capabilities.

I tell my students who are having auditions to show the maximum of their abilities within the settings/requirements of the audition. This is FAIR to the one making the decision because you want that person to make the best, most well-informed decision possible. If you don't show all you can do and that person hires someone else who cannot do all that you can do, the one doing the hiring may have made a bad decision. Respectfully showing ALL one can do can prevent that unfortunate outcome.

One can demonstrate one's abilities and knowledge without being a show off. Like in the Olympics... Those athletes are amazing, and they might absolutely nail a routine. But they're not out there gesturing and whooping and all that. They just do it and follow the protocol for how they're supposed to bow before the judges or whatever, and it is all matter-of-fact.

I don't know what causes you to come off as arrogant.
Someone I know who comes off as arrogant acts like his opinions on issues and his statements on many topics are the most and only correct ones.
In reality, his statements often show his lack of in-depth knowledge on topics and simplistic thinking about topics.
He comes off like someone with 3rd-grade knowledge about many topics claiming to know more than eggsperts in those fields.
I don't know what he is thinking in his mind, but his behaviors are likely to be interpreted as arrogant by most people.
What I described is probably only one way of coming off as arrogant.
I don't ackshuly detect much confidence in him, as people I know who are ackshuly confident without being arrogant don't act the least bit like him.

Thanks, for responding, guys!!

@btbnnyr: Yeah, I've known people exactly like that. I've tried to change my tone / wording, so as not to come-off like "this is a FACT"----like, instead of saying, something like: "Well, that's because of blah, blah, blah.....", I say: "Maybe it's blah, blah, blah....."----knowing, full-well, that there's no maybe, about it----and that seems to work, better.

@NerdyGirl: GREAT post!! I especially agree with the part about questioning, coming-across as arrogant----and, that the person on the receiving end, thinks I'm "attacking" them (I use the word, "challenging")----BUT, my feeling IS, if they knew what they were talking about, what I say wouldn't be a "threat", to them; but, that's not the way, to make friends----and, it's CERTAINLY not the way, to be successful, in an interview.

Yeah, I've had the same problems, in a group of people----see, one of the problems is that I don't understand people NOT asking questions. The other thing is, we, Aspies, are just too logical, for our own good, I guess.

Someone told me, one time, about this certain juice, that they recommended, for Charlie Horses (I can't remember what juice it was); and they said that when they get a CH, they go right to the fridge and get that juice, and that the JUICE fixes it, almost immediately----and, I thought to myself: "Well, the walk to the fridge, ALONE, would fix a CH, immediately"----but, I didn't say, anything. LOL I figured the juice wasn't gonna kill 'em, or anything; so, why bother!

Yeah, in regard to the Olympians, and "matter-of-fact"----see..... That's, pretty much, how I am, in person, now----I don't CARE what people think, of me----BUT, I can't be doin' that, on an interview, cuz this is the ONE time, I HAVE to care, IMO.

I've been doin' alot of thinkin', t'day, and I'm keeping a running list of phrases that I have used, in the past, that prompted someone to tell me, "You think you know-it-all"; and then, putting in the OTHER column, what I feel are better-worded responses----so, hopefully, that'll help.....

Thanks, again, guys!! I know I'll get-through this----it's just that I want to get-through it, SUCCESSFULLY (as in, "You've got the job!")----then, I'll be back on here, cryin' about how to KEEP it, I guess!! LOL

This exchange made me chuckle. When I was younger, I would not have thought twice about pointing out the fact that just walking to the fridge would fix the CH! LOL.

Oh, I have pointed out so many things to people, corrected people in public (even teachers and other authority figures), and "challenged" people. Ugh.

These days everyone wants everyone else to let them be without challenge, even if what they are doing is wrong. Sometimes I wish we could go back to the days when everyone was challenging specific other people and even calling them really nasty names in print. This nicey-nice stuff, to me, is wimpy.

But it probably is worse when the challenge comes from a woman. Seriously. I wonder if it would be taken better if a man did it, and they would probably only challenge other men. I, on the other hand, have few boundaries in that arena. I just do it *less* now. No one is safe, LOL!