random rant

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this is just a rant and it is not supposed to make any sense. i am not psychotic or crazy, and things i say are not exactly what i mean. i just don't have the time to write more than snippets of my thoughts or to try to be articulate or even comprehensible.

My dad always had difficulty finding women who liked him. In fact most don't. He just talks to them and they think he is weird, funny looking, and that he has no personality. And he tries a lot and gives them little gifts to court them. But he is just not attractive to the opposite sex. And I've got the same genetics as my dad - moderately mild AS, male pattern boldness (very much showing in my case) and never had a gf. I don't even believe that a woman could be interested in me. I can sort of imagine how a woman is interested in other guys but I think that I am just unattractive. Or if a woman likes me at first, she will see that I am not what she thought at first and lose interest and go after some other guy. I would not know how to please her or how to be someone she likes. I really can't imagine a woman liking me for more than one day. I have this fear of a woman seeing me act like myself and saying "That was weird, why can't you be normal?" That's the way my mom treated my dad all my life and I've internalized it.

My mom and dad got seperated in their twenties but still lived together. My mom never liked my dad she just sort of liked him at first but not really and than she hated him later on. She would complain about my dad as I was growing. She'd say "Why does not he never buy me flowers. Why don't I like him? I don't know. He is just this kind of person. He has no personality. He dresses like an idiot. And eats like he just came out of a rural village. And he will start telling strangers on the train about his personal life. And his friend is weird - I think he is gay. And his other friend looked at a dog and said "Oh doggie" his other friend is gay or something." My grandmother would tell me and my sister that my mom had many complaints about my dad in college. She did not want to marry him but was kinda flakey. She was unhappy that my dad did not have any friends in college. My mom told us that she locked my dad in her room and he tried to come out. But she stood behind him and the door and he got scared and did not know what to do. That he was scared to have sex with her?? Once my dad saw my mom with a guy and dragged me with him to chase them. My dad got so much pressure from my mom and grandmother about the way he is that after talking with my grandmother (who is emotionally and verbally abusive, controlling, and has a personality disorder of some kind) he was driving home and ready to drive off a cliff. He would bang his head against the wall as the grandmother and my mom yelled at him and my mom would make sarcastic comments that he should bang his head harder -like "go ahead, do it."

I also never had friends and get rejected by people all the time. I assume people don't like me just because almost everyone in my life did not. I'm afraid to let myself laugh too much for fear of doing something inappropriate. I used to cover my mouth when I laughed in 2nd grade. I just assume women I meet don't like me. I'm even reluctant to shake their hand because they will think that a weird creepy guy is trying to force them to shake their hand when they do not want to. I'm afraid to tell people thinks for fear of looking silly and embarrassing myself. I also have a language disorder where I cannot tell stories or jokes and I often don't hear what people are saying or understand what they mean. I can relate if it's something that happened to me, otherwise I think about what the person in a logical way. And I have trouble believing people and taking them at their word. That's also why I have so much trouble keeping up a conversation - all my replies sound irrelevant. And people just don't notice me. They think I am uninterested and that I don't have any thoughts. And when I try to say something, it's almost as if I am searching for thoughts and it's all empty inside me - there is nothing to say and I just go "Umm, well, you know, it seems to me, that probably.."

Anyway the whole point of me rambling on here is that I have a history of baseline almost dysthimic depression all my life and that it has lead me to think negative thoughts about myself and about the world. Depression makes people think that they are not worth much. For many years, and even know, I would walk home from school repeating in my head "I'm a ret*d and an idiot." ove and over again in my head. I say that more when I think of something bad or embarrassing that i did or if I am stressed. That and the fact that I have done so many embarrassing things in public because of my AS makes it seem like true. And that is what many people think of me - "that guy is a dumb ass, everyone hates him." kid in school would always talk behind my back "look that guy is such a dumb ass. he says the most random things. he mentally ill. look it's that goofy kid." stuff like that. being always alone at school and then rejected every time i try to talk to someone naturally makes me doubt my self worth, doubt my ability, makes me depressed, lonely, and makes me see the world in a pessimistic way. for example i think that there are almost no jobs and that you are probably going to be paid very little and have no benefits. I've got all these hang ups that often turn out to be false.

for example i think that i am getting too old to be datable or to enjoy dating. most kids start dating in high school and I'm already 23. That most girls my age had many boy friends. and frankly i have no idea how those people who are having sex and dating different people do it. i believe that i would be a terrible sloppy kisser and that a girl would just not enjoy being with me. that a girl that would be willing to date is probably a slut and had many guys before me, that she has stds and that her ex's have taken the best and left me with the left overs.

depression is reversible. it is a matter of tackling all the components of depression. exercise. cold water showers. recognizing and changing negative thinking patterns. recognizing repressed feelings of shame, frustration, depression, loneliness, rejection, offense, hurt, guilt and seeing how they come out in things like calling myself an idiot and getting anxiety. these bade emotions - rage, anxiety, depression, shame, etc - are all lower level defense mechanisms. i am learning higher level defense mechanisms that are what i will use in the future and starting to use write now. one is just verbalizing these negative thinking patterns and verbalizing/stating the stressors in my life. getting it out so it does not become repressed negativity that manifests in self destructive ways. talking about my camp embarrassments, about my negative thoughts and fears with a friend makes it a shared experience. talking about it with a group of friends makes it a separate condition of life and not an inside part of who i am. hearing people talk about my boldness makes it not a part of my inner me, but something of it - like the same type of thing as a physical object, which it is. boldness is a physical thing that can be felt with your hands and it does not belong inside my thoughts or fears or frustrations.

also spiritual distress is part of depression. praying to God every night and going to Church once a month, speaking to the priest will help me have a sense of connected and faith and hope.

when i think about my asperger's it is always negative - like AS is why people cannot like me and almost always hate me. that's why the ladies at the barbershop tease me. that is why i am victimized by socially adept people. that is why i cannot be good at a job.

i also have many years of college and i've never done home work. it is so bad - i've wasted so much money on school and have almost no skills to show for it. what is worst is that i might get myself in a job that puts me in jail for liability of a mistake. all people freak out when they hear what i am in college for. and i'm afraid that i will not start studying this year either. i just get fidgety and anxious when i do hw and i have computer addiction i know a guy who failed out of college, never did homework, and another one who did not hw either. the first one works part time and the second guy is unemployed. so there are people like me. in fact most people with AS or even any people in the world, most don't live as nice as I do. I just have all this anxiety and pessimism about everything. or i get too excited about a project that does not go anywhere and over estimate how well it will work. like a website that is really a waste of money. i worry about initiating a friendship or relationship with a woman because i believe they just cannot like me, or that if they do they have stds or are sluts or crazy and abusive or whatever.

so i this is just avoidance behavior and anxiety. i am going to practice initiating things in life - hair cuts, conversations, i'm going to learn stories and tell them, learn jokes, and poems, and ask people to go to place together. i am going call my boss and schedule myself for more hours or interview for a new position. i am going to concentrate on hw because i have the logical brain to understand my subjects and i have enough social skills to keep a job. i just need the knowledge and skills that comes from books and learning on the job. most guys can find a gf, it is ok to be with a girl you like no matter what she has (except stds of course) and there are plenty of women out there who enjoy a good man like me. i actually look good in this new hair cut

Presuming bad things tends to make them happen, and if you think people will view you as a creep, loser etc you won't be relaxed or natural when you interact with them, resultantly this self furfilling prophecy will come true.

Your age places you around the middle of the main dating years. Your comment appears to imply you haven't, or at least aren't currently trying.

Depression can be helped by the methods described. Although without belief in yourself, of some sort or another, no amount of thought recognition or endorphins can help you.

Asmodeus thank you for reading my rant

Are you the guy who does avatars for people?

Hey I read your rant. I wish you Good luck with trying to initiate those certain things in your life.