How important is looking 'feminine'?

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People(women) associated with me in the past never passed up the chance to tell me I was too sweet or too immature, and at the same time they'd mention that my personality leans on the super fem side. As if being a feminine women means that you are immature and sweet. They don't see who I am inside my mind or home (like a guy almost without all the formality I add to my NT exterior.)
Years ago some women assumed I was hitting on them because I do give maybe a little too much eye contact, as if being nice & polite to a women means your interested in them. I thought it was because they thought I was manish or something.

I also always believed that real women were verbally mature- strong sounding, so it always makes me feel less of a "women" when I can't keep up in that department; these women can seem to sniff me out a mile away! I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about, those of us who are consistantly being called "dear" and "sweetie" by women the same age and even younger! How is a girl ever to grow up or feel like a proud femme women with crap like this!

I think true Femininity is when a women is tender and sophisticated; it comes in all tastes, shapes and sizes.

Last edited by apprivoiser on 07 Sep 2008, 1:11 am, edited 4 times in total.

I dunno ... some guys like the tough-girl or "dyke" look. I prefer a more feminine look that features cardigans, blouses, A-line skirts, and sensible shoes...

... or nothing at all!

I only wear skirts if they can be matched to leggings, are below the knee and allow me a long stride when I walk or I just fall over. I also can't wear skirts to work due to lab dresscode and the need for safety shoes.

apprivoiser I have the same problem with names I get called sweetie, love, lovely, sweetcheeks, honey, flo, flower, etc very rarely my actual name.

I love wearing dresses and feminine clothes, but I tend to make them my own as such. I won't always wear makeup - I wear it when I have time to put it on in the mornings or when I feel like it (because being an aspie, I have zero time-management skills) - and I'll quite happily march through town in my biggest, oldest, most horrific-looking men's sports shoes, then put on my pretty girly shoes when I get to where I'm going. One day I might feel like wearing a dress, the next I'll happily be in a t-shirt and jeans.

Most of the time, though, I prefer skirts and dresses because they feel less claustrophobic. I hate being caught up in fabric. I love hugs and weight and all that kinda stuff, but I can't stand the feeling of fabric constricting my movement, I just can't bear it. Then I get into a kind of temper and start pulling my clothes off and ripping buttons, and all my NT peers think I've gone a little nuts (none know I have AS). So give me a dress any day! Plus it flatters my curves and very feminine body. Which isn't a bad thing, going by my partner's reaction!!

I think it's important. If you are female might as well look like one!

omg so true OP, i mean i don't really like the whole dyke look

short hair butch body an clothing

i like pink dresses an u know hot sstuff an boobs an things an like bathing suits that show off female body

i hate butch girls thast nastyt o me no offesne but it is

I think some aspects of clothing are important, especially if what your partner is wearing almost makes you gag at times, and I'm not kidding on this. My ex Aspie boyfriend wanted to dress for comfort, and he truly meant it. He'd go out in public oftentimes without even brushing his bedhead or brushing his teeth. He'd always wear tshirts (which is fine, but variety is nice too). But the worst part is his pants - he'd wear VERY VERY baggy gray sweatpants everywhere, and they oftentimes had holes in them. They didn't flatter his body, but actually turned me off sexually in every damn aspect. And when he didn't wear the sweatpants, he'd wear very baggy khaki or greenish shorts that had stains and holes on them. It got the point where I could hardly stand to look at him. He tried to 'dress up' once for me....which included wearing and old, wrinkled black buttonup shirt that was probably three sizes too big, witch huge baggy black pants to match.

It's important in some ways, yes. But only if you dress like a slob.

I can also understand a guy wanting to see a girl dress more fem, and vice versa. I wouldn't want a boyfriend of mine to be going around in high heels and skirts.
But still, your style is your style. Others mentioned good ideas. If you don't mind the tightness, form-fitting jeans can look great on a girl and show her feminine curves. Wearing lighter colored shirts in girly colors would be good. Wearing jewely to match would be nice, and doing your hair in a variety of different ways.

I hadn't thought about it before, but actually I've never been attracted to a woman with short hair - I've been attracted to women that wear it loose, in a bun, braids, ponytail, but never short. It's too boyish (though men with long hair don't look effeminate to me).

I don't understand the idea that women have to conform to artificially imposed gender standards in order to 'look' female. Don't the breasts and wide hips give it away pretty strongly, regardless of the hairstyle or clothing?

I think is important in nowadays society. But I too use to put the most comfortable thing for me when I first wake up in the morning without thinking about it too much. So the results is that I use to go almost always during the week with fabrics like cotton jeans or baggy trousers, cotton also or lycra t-shirts and sport shoes or boots, like complements only some belts, or necklaces and a nice bag to try to seem more elegant(no watch, nothing on the wrists) no big earrings, no fashion shoes, no wool, or another fashion(but cheap) fabrics. And the colours will be almost always simple and straight ones (whites, blues, yellow, browns ...).
Only in the weekend if I go out specially in the night I will like to dress up a little with more variety (skirts, dresses, some more jewellery) and other kind of less comfortable fabrics if required only because of the occasion.

Not if they're hidden under baggy, shapeless, unflattering clothes. Don't tell me you've never wandered down town and looked at someone and whispered to your companion "Is that a guy or a girl? Look, that one, over there... think it's a girl... no, it's a guy... God, I really can't tell..."

There is a distinction between looking "female" and looking "feminine." In the former, the T&A might be obvious clues to a person's gender; while in the latter, it's the clothes that send the message.

A man can look like a man, but also look feminine by virtue of the clothes, hair, and use of makeup. Conversely, a woman may still look like a woman, but also look masculine by virtue of her hair, clothes, and lack of makeup.

Besides, there is no imperative other than that which is hard-wired into the human brain, so the 'standards' you mentioned may not be artificially imposed.

Have you looked into the history of costume in the western world, much less in the rest of the planet? Long hair has not historically been restricted to women. Short hair is not universally restricted to men. Both men and women wear and have worn lower garments without leg bifurcations. Both men and women wear and have worn makeup. Both men and women wear and have worn jewelry, including earrings. I'm not talking avant guard here - I'm talking normal, expected wear for the respective genders. If it was hardwired, there would be some historical and/or cultural consistency.

I agree with everyone else's statements: a well-fitting jacket will do wonders. And if you must wear a bulky item (like that giant flannel shirt you've had for 6 years), pair it with some flattering dark jeans or something that isn't bulky to balance out the look.

I've found earrings to work wonders. Other jewelry tends to annoy me, but a nice, pretty pair of lightweight earrings are great (if you have pierced ears, that is)... oh, and don't worry about being feminine, worry more about feeling your best and dressing to boost your self-esteem, because this is what counts the most. I'm sure most men value confidence over femininity any day.

It is indeed fascinating how much the specifics of what comprises masculinity or femininity in any given culture or era differ from one to the other; however, I would challenge anyone to show me a single culture on the face of the earth that has no such definitions of masculinity and femininity. Universal concept, minor exceptions in scope and detail duly noted. I go for hard-wired.

As for the OP, the idea of feeling like I'm in drag when I try to look more feminine really resonated with me, too. Sometimes I have to force myself to explore the far reaches of my comfort zone in order to reach certain personal goals. I see that as growth, not compromise. I like purple, too.

I'm not trying to say that there are no hard-wired differences, only that the idea that 'long hair and skirts (etc.) are feminine' are not hard-wired.