I have a lot going on right now.. Well I'm a young undiagnosed asperger woman whom all at once was thrown into driving(3 week crash course from my dad), full time college classes(after home-schooling my senior year of high school due to personal issues within the school and family problems), and have been struggling. I try so hard to please everyone, but have a lot to handle..
I was able to get a note from my doctor stating that I had very sever anxiety and needed a voucher to take the classes at a later date, and the school was understanding, but I'm very positive that I have aspergers and having a hard time getting a diagnosis. I also have a strong suspicion that my mother has aspergers as well.. Our family has thought for a while now that she is a schizophrenic, which I believe- she does display the symptoms of schizophrenia. But they have worsened over time.. And I'm wondering if its possible that because no one really knew about aspergers until fairly recently, she went undiagnosed and now has aspergers over lapping with a mental illness (schizophrenia).
As a child my mother was sort of like me, in that she was always daydreaming in class and didn't really form appropriate peer relationships, however I was a lot more shy. She was told that she had ADD when she was little, but my grandma was against giving her medicine since she wasn't really a problem- just seeming off into her own world.
I'm very off into my own world, or at least I'm in my best spirits when I am, ages 13-17 I used to watch a soap opera pretty obsessively, relating to one character in particular as my role model. And I loved this one couple on the show, she and a lover had an on and off relationship/love story. I was just so captivated by it, making videos and fanfiction, constantly daydreaming about it. Then carrying it over into my life outside of home.. In the past had a really hard time relating to people, and sometimes I would use her phrases as well as speech patterns where seemed appropriate and it actually seemed to work well.
But even before I became infatuated with this show it seemed like I was always thinking about something, and always had to have some kind of idol..
My most recent special interest, however, has been a lot more intense I'd say. Its a real person and its kind of scaring me because I can't seem to let go of this person. It was once mutual but I have no idea what happened, so not only am I constantly trying to figure out what went wrong but I'm constantly dreaming of this person and thinking about them. And they haven't even spoken to me in about 5 months. I love this person and haven't bothered them since they cut contact, but it just hurts so bad. It wasn't just a relationship, somewhere down the line they became my special interest and I can't seem to make the thoughts and dreams go away.. Any time I try to read a book I visualize the person and I can't watch television anymore because it doesn't interest me.
I do have a love of music (its one of what I believe is my savant skills), singing, guitar, piano, violin, poetry/lyric writing.. I'm happy to have this at least as an escape but I'm still constantly thinking about that person. I'm kind of afraid to admit the extent of which I'm thinking about the person to a psychologist because already I'm feeling very intimidated.
I took my mom and my grandma with me to see a psychologist recently(this is the second one that we've seen), and I told her a few of the problems I've been having recently.. She asked if I'm a good student. I said that even though I score very high on placement tests for college and get high grades, but when I'm in the classroom environment I'm not able to function properly because of the distraction and tense feeling it leaves me with.
I went through my history a little bit, explaining that I've always had a very hard time socializing and have many memories of being excluded from other children and bullied. That I never really felt that I fit in.. That I've lost a lot of friends and don't even understand why. But even though I do get lonely, a lot of times I will prefer to be alone. The solitude time that I have is the only thing that allows me to build up the energy to be around people for long periods of time.
I get nervous before family members come to visit, and feel like running away sometimes.. Not as something personal against the people, but I'm relating it to so many experiences where it was just awkward and uncomfortable for me, not knowing what to say or do with myself.
I also have certain rituals and behaviors that people think are odd/quirky.. I get very very nervous days before I know a social event is coming that I will have to attend, and usually I find myself pacing around the house for hours at a time.
A few other things were discussed in the short period of time that we were there, but when I told her I thought it may be aspergers she smiled briefly then gave me a dirty look. (I don't know what it meant but I've always been very sensitive to people giving off negative vibes. Try to brush it off, but when it happens a lot it does get to me..)
I'm wondering if psychologists are reluctant to assess people for aspergers or they really just don't know enough about it..
What she said was, "Well, had you told me everything that you just said over the phone.. I would have said DEFINITELY aspergers syndrome. But I can see you here.. And you don't 'look' like an asperger".
When we questioned her on what exactly an asperger should 'look' like she responded, "Well they sure wouldn't be making eye contact with me right now. And you were too polite when you walked in. So no. Generalized anxiety." And then she told me that she was going to see me again after they got me on pills.. When I said I didn't want any pills, she responded, "You'll change your mind."
I knew I wouldn't but was intimidated by her whole demeaner so I just looked away. I did ask, though, if she could perhaps give me help with how to cope with my current situation and some behavioral therapy. She said that, "It doesn't work that way. You need the pills before anything."
So.. Examining the possibility that I might have aspergers is out of the question, but giving me pills right away when she hardly knows me is okay?
Also, telling her that I tended to be obsessive with my interest, she rolled her eyes as if in disbelief.. Why would anyone make that up? I tried to explain that an anxiety diagnosis would be leaving so much out.. She may look at me now and see somebody who functions just fine, but she doesn't see me everyday or see how I feel.
There's a video of me as a pre-school child, as everyone in class is singing a song and making hand gestures, I'm just sitting there rocking back and forth. Looking afraid.. There have been symptoms all my life, I'm just learning now that there's a reason for all of it.
Its one of my concerns to get my mother help as well, but I've been trying for years and she still doesn't believe there's anything wrong with her. It was a very troublesome couple of years as my mother was fired for job, lost her house, and moved in with my grandma and I.
I came to live with my grandmother when I was very young due to the abuse and neglect that was taking place when I was alone with my mom. And now that I'm older, I wasn't as much concerned with myself as my grandmother. As it was only since she had come, and began attacking my grandma for no good reason, that she couldn't take it and ended up getting singles twice then falling down the stairs and breaking her spine.
I was still homeschooling.. Also beginning to rebuild a relationship with my dad who went to Florida with his girlfriend for two years and would not take my calls or reach out to me in any way. That was very hard to deal with, but he came back and I try to be understanding. But its very hard for me to talk to him.. He has anxiety but in a different way, he gets angry very easily and it scares me so I usually remain quiet and just answer questions when asked.. I'm not the best conversationalist anyways.
There are a lot of issues there, with my parents. He says he's still traumatized from living with my mother for as long as he did.. But I don't always know what to believe.
So basically.. I need to find someone who will at least listen to me and test me for AS, and willing to help. Maybe at that point I can look further into getting my mother help.. But its gotten to the point where I'm almost giving up. I don't find joy when I leave the house anymore, and the more I drive the more I dislike it. College was just like high school because all the people that went to my high school transferred over to the same community college.. All the same cliques and social problems, but with even more added on this time.. Because I was so nervous driving, I had been bringing my mother along. And she would spend the days playing tricks on me and sabotaging me, running through halls yelling my name, waiting for me to round the hall so she could stick out her foot and trip me, finding my classroom then unscrewing the lid on my coffee lid when I wasn't looking so it would spill and I'd embarrass myself. She was hysterically laughing in the hall.
She would also have me figure out riddles that I had to solve in order to find her and go home..
Then when I finally decided I was going to leave her home, I walked out to my car and she had tied herself up in the backseat.
She called all of that college experience her "play time".
I'd like to work toward a psychology degree but I think online classes may be the way to go for now.. I also want to pursue my music, but I get so depressed lately over all this confusion. Just don't know what to do..
Should I continue trying to get a diagnosis for myself..?
^ I'm sorry that this is so long, but I really do appreciate any advice and thank you to anyone who takes the time to read it.
14 Feb 2013, 9:30 pm
Thank you
