Being able to "pass"

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Does anyone here find that they can "pass" as neurotypical? I've been reading some recent articles that suggest that women with ASD are more able to pass as neurotypical than men with ASD, but also tend to feel more anxiety. I found that I resonated with this, I've been able to pass more or less since I was in middle school after years of speech and occupational therapy.

I'm not sure if I "pass" as NT. I think most people wouldn't guess that I have autism, but that's at least as much because they're not knowledgeable about autism. I get the impression that most people think I'm weird or different.

I think I mostly pass. I can act NT and handle situations etc. it is just very exhausting. People seem to clue in that I am different if they are around me for a longer time.

Being "on" all the time is stressful and exhausting.

Yeah, I find that if I'm "on" for a long period of time I just begin to slip up.

I passed for NT so well for the first 4 decades of my life that I had no clue I was autistic until my mother causally mentioned that I had been diagnosed as a child. It came as a shock but explained so much.

Since I look NT and can maintain the facade for short periods of time I often feel overwhelmed by the expectations placed on me by society. Since my challenges are hidden, there is no understanding or grace afforded to me. I find it all very exhausting and when I am stressed the facade begins to slip and then people just think I am being weird.

This post by catlady resonates very strongly with me, as it's basically my story too, except I didn't get diagnosed as a child (or if I did nobody told me) --

I especially relate to that final paragraph. This could have been posted by me, because what catlady says describes me too.

I believe I can "pass" for more or less NT although I suspect people may still think I'm a bit odd, the longer they get to talk to me. But the NT front I put up exhausts me. And just as catlady said, when I become stressed either from the NT facade itself or from internal or external stress factors (sensory issues, a stressful external life event), the true challenges come out --- and then whooooh, NOBODY affords me any grace or understanding, compassion or help. Because not only have they believed themselves that I'm "just like them", but also for my part I've hidden all along that I have struggles at all, and so when push comes to shove I'm judged harshly when those struggles finally emerge.

One might ask the question, well, why on earth would anyone "act NT" if they can do so, and hide their autism if it causes all these problems in the end?

Well because there are some benefits to being able to pass for NT in certain situations -- it's unfortunate because in an ideal world nobody should have to be something other people are expecting them to be neurologically if they're not. But it's an NT world.

BirdInFlight, I resonate with catlady2323's statement as well. I didn't hear the term "autistic" in reference to myself until I was in middle school. I also feel frustrated living up to expectations because as a child I had speech delay and so people were more likely to be sympathetic to what I was going through. Now I feel like people give me less compassion because I blend in so well and so when I "slip" it's even more noticeable.

I wouldn't wish these struggles on anyone, but I'm glad you guys understand.

The question is, do women actually pass more of their own accord, or are they simply unconsidered?

I seem different and quirky, I think, but I don't hear people guessing my diagnoses. I have things NTs have (job, husband, children).

I'm pretty sure some coworkers have figured it out from my rocking, but they seem to accept me nonetheless.

I have an outgoing "me" that turns into a hostile "get away from me" "me" after too much socializing. I have zero control over the attitude -- I can stave it off for a while if I get some alone time, but if not, it just comes out. At that point, I have to be alone or I will have a meltdown...or I will shutdown. I start to lose fine motor skills and get clumsy, my eyes don't see as well (and colors look brighter), and I don't hear as well. Loud sounds start to make me jump or act as if I'm attacked. I stim constantly and automatically. All this tells me that this is a reaction I really don't have a lot of conscious control over. Trying to hold it back feels like pushing a heavy weight. My whole body screams to run away and find somewhere to hide, but all I can do is stay in my holding pattern and say the same phrases over and over again with an increasingly fake friendliness.

I think of it like a little pitcher of water. I have some water I can pour out into other people's cups, but my pitcher is very small. If I'm patient, and let my cup be alone, over time some more water falls from the sky to fill it up. But if people keep asking for more and more water, then eventually I just run out. And then I have nothing to go on.

I recently made excuses for this by claiming to be "jet lagged" during a work trip. I was not jet lagged -- I was overwhelmed by all the socializing. I wish I had another pat excuse I could use. I have tried "stomach ache" but then people want to talk about what I ate. (Why?!)

Also, close friends and family who want to spend time with me don't understand that my little pitcher runs of of water on their second or third day of visiting me and suddenly the "me" they were talking to is gone and replaced by a silent, somewhat hostile woman who keeps trying to escape them and who is terrified whenever they make a loud noise. I try to be quiet to keep from being rude or seeming fake, but they just stare at me with puppy dog eyes and seem upset at me. Explaining does not help -- they do not understand or they feel responsible (same thing).

Dryope, last year I had a work trip where I needed frequent breaks from everything as well. For me, it was more sensory related than socially related.

But, I decided to own up to it. I would just say, "I can't handle all of this noise without a break." Then, I went up to my room for 30 minutes or so and rocked to calm myself. Then, I came back. I was definitely seen as really sensitive to the environment, but--hey--I am.

Anyway, I'm trying to say, it's okay to just own up to it. What you experience is not really different from the experience of any introvert. They will just think you need more alone time--which you do.

Thanks screen_name. Sounds like you have some understanding people around you. Mine are just disappointed in me when I do that. (Puppy dog eyes.)

This describes me so accurately! I wish I had a shy, reticent personality, but alas, I am very outgoing and talkative until I reach my limit and then I become this hostile version of myself just trying to get away from everyone. It took me years to figure out what was wrong with me. I have had more meltdowns (in bathroom stalls), and/or total shutdowns than I can count. Now that I know it is neurological, and that I really don't have much control over it, I am not so hard on myself. But it is still very frustrating.