Being attractive.

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I’m conventionally attractive I mean I’m a skinny blonde model who is high masking and I’ve learned to act weak to survive. Intense kinda domineering women, like the one I’m living with for example, need time to be a bit small somehow. I need to show weakness or else they start treating me poorly. And friends god the friends I’ve had who started tearing me down and it was so clear they were jealous cuz they’d say that outright. The one who said I made her feel ugly whenever she was around me just from standing there. I know I’m privileged. I know that. I just have the worlds voice in my head. That I’m supposed to be smaller. That when I shine it’s gross and wrong. I also have a hard time facing the clear reality of jealousy at play because I’m told acknowledging that is conceited and gross. All from people who don’t get it. Who just see privilege and not how isolating it is. So many women immediately don’t like me. I didn’t know why for a long time. Not until I was 15 and someone told me. Had this bully best friend and I never knew why she treated me the way she did. It’s obvious looking back. It’s always obvious it’s their s**t cuz I’m just a sweetie. But yeah it’s also obvious because it happens when I shine. When they get angry and try hard to find a flaw in me in that moment. That’s when I know. I thought there was something just detestable about me. Punishable. A neighbor/mutual friend said I was really rude to her when I’ve never ever been rude I just kinda politely avoid her I always smile and nod. People see this (f*****g shoot me but) hot blonde who seems comfortable ish in her skin (autism) with a valley girl accent and then they don’t recognize the autistic traits as autistic. They think I think I’m better than them. When I’ve never equated looks to a persons value as a friend or human once in my life. I don’t see things that way. But I know others do and I know they’ve been hurt and felt disgust from people who thought they were better or prettier or whatever. I know that, it’s just so hard not to shrink and wonder why there’s an immediate look of hate on someone’s face. Why women are always trying to put me down. When I’m drunk I just call it out I say “babe I know what you’re doing we could be friends but you are not being kind so either be respectful or do not address me okay?” See? I see MYSELF as that white blonde b***h. But I like that I’m fierce. I deserve to be. I’m kind about it. I seem self assured cuz of the autism. I am self assured in how I feel and what is reasonable to say because of the autism. All of my coolness is the autism and all of my weakness is me hiding it and shrinking. But if I don’t, I’ll be bullied and I have to remember that doesn’t mean anything. So, someone gets angry. I had a mean mom. Have to remember they won’t hit me they can’t control my life can’t ruin it can’t get me arrested for it they can’t do anything to me truly about their feelings. But the hate just feels so unfounded and random that I don’t know what they’re capable of what it means maybe they’ll try to physically hurt me or poison me. I’ve thought that before. And I’m on alert for signs of it from women now. Don’t get me started on men. I feel like prey. I’m so mad whenever another one looks at me the way they do and I show my fear and they smile. They like to see me afraid and disgusted. They want to overpower me. They hate me cuz I represent the women they can’t get. They need to devalue me. I know that isn’t every human, but god it’s more than anyone who isn’t in my position wants to validate. Those who don’t get it don’t get it and largely they need to diminish me in that moment cuz oh she’s bragging. Idk. Idk. I’m tired of feeling this way is all.

Is blonde rare in the place you live? I can't say I relate. Half of my extended family are natural blondes and I'd say they all seem pretty ordinary. I was very skinny when I was younger, but didn't feel particularly attractive. Mostly I don't judge people by their looks. People are just people as long as they're clean and kind. I'm mostly attracted to people who are nice and intelligent.

If your friends are judging you by your looks you need some better friends.

I think I know what you mean although my own experience is from the opposite side. I have never been pretty and I think it's made my life much easier. I have had to fend off a lot fewer creeps (there are still some, regardless, at least there were when I was younger) and just haven't had any of my life dictated by being attractive or feeling like I have to be attractive. But I've still had nice partners, and if anything it helped in that regard too, because they liked me for who I am as a person.

I don't know if you dress a particular way or how you wear your hair or if you wear make up and so on, but if it's a significant problem you could maybe try to downplay your attractiveness by looking as plain as possible? personally, I have never worn make up and have a plain hairstyle and wear plain clothes, and it has suited me well. Of course you have every right to dress and groom in whatever way pleases you -- I'm not suggesting that it's in any way your fault!

I can't relate, no. I think I'm decent looking but I don't think I'm a knock-out by any means.

My voice is fairly neutral and has a lilted rhythm.

However, I have heard about how 'valley girl accents' are perceived via American media. A lot of it is routed in classism - being perceived as tacky and from new money. There also seems to be a significant amount of upspeak present.

Upspeak is when the voice is pitched higher at the end of a sentence when it isn't a question. The speaker may do so to sound more agreeable or non-confrontational. Making yourself smaller, as you put it. Unfortunately this practice can be seen as a sign of a lack of confidence or intelligence by a biased audience. Which is a problem since upspeak is often an unintentional habit.

I am sorry to hear that people judge you on such trivial matters. I am also sorry to hear about your experiences with men and that you feel like prey.

Your experiences with women seem to have led to wariness. I hope that you can find a better crowd to hang out with but I also understand that is difficult to do so when you have trust issues and worry about others turning on you.

I get what you're saying. I was a nerdy, awkward, tomboy for most of my teens/early 20s, so didn't experience much of this. But I had a few short periods of time between getting my teeth, eyes and skin fixed, learning how to dress and do make up properly from my sister, still having blonde hair and looking young for my age. And people do treat you differently if you tick the 'stereotypically attractive' box. Not better or worse overall, just different. I'm nearly 40 now and I'm deliberately letting my grey hair grow out so that I look older, as I get treated more like a human being. I rarely 'dress up' outside of work or big social events, and tend to live in jeans/boots so I blend in.

When I looked better, some people treated me better. But only because they expected something in return. For example, certain types of men would 'act' really friendly and supportive, but then get really nasty when they realised I wasn't going to sleep with them. Especially when they found out I was older. I guess because a late 20s/early 30s woman who is still single should be more willing to sleep around and therefore refusing them was more insulting? And insecure women will outright attack you because they assume you have a huge ego and can just deal with it. Although I found this was more from older women who had been attractive all of their lives, based all of their self-worth on their appearance, and now saw me as competition. It didn't matter if I went out of my way to be friendly and try to build up their self esteem either. I was just 'the enemy' and had to be removed. Now that I look older, a few have tried to get in touch and be friends again, but I'm not interested in being around anyone like that.

So you can choose to dress down, act like a wallflower, hide yourself to make insecure people more relaxed. Or just find people that don't act like shallow, vindictive, bullies and hang out with them instead. Personally I'd rather be friends with people who treat me the same regardless of how I look.

Damn, I hate when people complain about the gifts other people would kill for.

There are people who intentionally destroy themselves with overeating or undereating or all kinds of other self-abuse. I guess if being beautiful was really that terrible there are always alternatives. For those who aren't, they're not even given the option.

I can't relate but I understand.
Yes, I got enough looks to be treated somewhat above averagely decent. If I wasn't, I wouldn't get away with a lot of things I did.

For the same reasons, this is why I don't bother trying over my looks just as I don't try much about my academics.

Yes, I'm confident enough to be attractive if I try hard enough.
Except I'm not interested in that.

I sort of see it a bit ahead; shine bright enough, two things will happen -- one will draw attention and burn yourself if they try too hard.

I already observed this in childhood. I also know better than to let my ego be carried by flattery.

One can be jealous of me; but drag me into their mess of a complex?
They're banned out of my life if so. And onlookers won't say I deserved it, they'd point over my perpetrators for being immature.

Not masking seem to prevent from being dragged into drama; because my 'flaws' are easy to spot.

And my 'flaws' are the kinds that adults would be overprotective over on someone.
Or at least don't feel too threatened. Nor call it out too easily, not without being perceived as an ableist or an ageist. Or an a***hole.

Since I don't act like an allistic adult, they assume things; yet assume right that I don't try and seduce people, and those who tried to will be seen as a creep.

Yes, I make do with the side effects of not masking, one of which is 'not a full adult' status.

... Yeah.

If someone wants to express envy or jealousy towards me, they'll think themselves it's unfair or feel guilty of them to feel that way towards me.

Thus I don't relate, yet understand.

They can't try and overpower me; that will shame them.
They can't just devalue me; that's like 'too cruel'.

They can't just invalidate me... Because I can assert myself enough without expressing entitlement; while anyone being too harsh on me would be wary.


I have something most people don't have.
I relish on that fact.

And I relish the fact even more that they can't exactly act on their envy or jealousy negatively without risking social suicide.

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I prefer being seen as unattractive so men will leave me alone personally, but I'm not attracted to men. I also live off SSI, so I don't need to worry about impressing some supervisor with my appearance and makeup skills before being allowed to do an office job unrelated to my appearance and makeup skills.

Regardless, the envy OP describes sounds frustrating. I imagine it's also hard to talk about without being accused of being pretentious. "They're jealous of my beauty" is the kind of stereotypical catty phrase you'd see in media, so people would have that emotional association even when it's actually true that some people are acting inappropriately out of jealousy.

I've noticed people will also assume negative personality traits of gender conforming, conventionally attractive women like that they are unintelligent, shallow, etc. The idea is that if someone is for instance a model then they must have nothing going for them other than their looks. It would be like assuming that a professional computer programmer has no thing going for them other than their math skills, athlete has nothing but their athleticism, etc. Maybe people do think that way.

As a woman of color, I don't respond well to people who make a big deal out of their blonde hair because they hold racist, eurocentric beauty standards. People whose white blonde appearance is the only thing they have going for them, might not be that attractive.

All the blondes I have met have been pretty nice people, so I'm probably biased to think it's a beautiful hair color.

I do think looking average or slightly pretty is good overall. You don't attract much unwanted attention but your looks won't hinder opportunities in work and social life. People view you as a human being instead of an object.

Of course that depends on your career and ambitions. In OP's case being good looking would be very important. For a scientist or construction worker, looking ordinary is perfectly fine.