Trauma from Existence of Menstruation

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I just got really triggered trying to pick up a prescription at my pharmacy. It is for a birth control patch that I take specifically to stop my periods because they are evil and wrong. I have had this prescription for years now, but because my primary care doctor didn't specify for this year's prescription that I don't take a skip week my insurance won't cover another patch for this month. Because apparently the default expectation in our effed up culture is that women skip a week of their birth control to bleed and be in pain for no reason* because to be female is to suffer according to our biology and our society (I do not identify as a woman and a big reason for that is how much womanhood is associated with menstruation which I hate so much).

I got very flustered at the pharmacists and raised my voice and used a mocking tone pretending to talk like a cis-woman which I am not proud of. Unfortunately my trauma, anger, and resentment over this issue started when I first learned about periods in the fourth grade and still affects me to this day. I am posting this admitting to my poor conduct to people who were not at all responsible for my problem and who were just doing their job because I just really feel the need to vent even if this post ends up blowing up in my face.

I find it very difficult to find anything on the internet that holds periods with the contempt they deserve. They are just so normalized in our society and it disgusts me. I don't believe people should be shamed or stigmatized for having them and I'm not even grossed out by blood. I just don't believe in unnecessary suffering. Ovulation, not menstruation, is what leads to pregnancy and we are only stuck with menstruation because our evolution took a bad turn due to our universe not regulating according to quality of life. I know this is starting to get philosophical, but that's how deep this issue goes for me. I feel it to my core and as a genderqueer person it is by far the biggest source of my dysphoria even though I'm not even sure it has anything to do with my gender because I can't imagine a gender I could have that would be okay with periods. Because bad is bad and periods are bad and I don't need to be a different gender to know that.
Thank you for reading this far, I apologize for the very negative tone of this post I am just in a really bad headspace right now and needed to get out my angst somewhere.

*I am aware some people use their menstrual cycle as reassurance that they're not pregnant. I just don't view it as worth it and don't understand why it's the default choice.

I always hated having periods too. It turns out I had endometriosis and ovarian cysts which caused a lot of unpleasantness. I had a minor surgery related to that stuff and got a hormonal IUD which made my periods stop altogether. It drastically improved my quality of life. Anyway, I can understand where you’re coming from. However, I think periods are normalized because they’re normal. Obviously, no one should have to deal with unnecessary pain or suffering though, so whoever wants to make them stop should be able to go with whatever option seems right to them. Some people don’t appear to mind them so much. I suspect that people on the spectrum might struggle with menstruation more due to the sensory aspect of it. As you mention, stuff related to gender identity can certainly play a role as well.

I hated getting them when I was young due to pain and sensory reasons but I was also taught to associate being a woman with weakness, subordination, and inferiority. When I felt miserable for female reasons, it was kind of hard not to buy into the religious nonsense that was being shoved down my throat. It’s difficult to describe how I felt. I’m sure it impacted my adulthood to a certain extent.

This can definitely be a complex topic for some of us. I do tend to associate being a woman with pain and suffering for this and other reasons. Of course, not everyone has had the same experiences or feels the same way I do, so that’s good.

I regard my periods with mild contempt at best, straight up resentment at worst. I'm gender queer as well, and in general, my body causes me no dysmorphia, but I'd be lying if I said I never had an outright disgust/hostile reaction to periods. It seems so utterly ridiculous that I have the things on so many levels. It doesn't help me any that I have awful pms, terrible cramps, and more things that I'll spare the gory details on. I'm a mess for half the month over this stuff. All for what? I'm too old to think getting pregnant is a good idea. If I didn't flip out over going to the gynecologist (trauma thing) I'd be fighting to get a uterine obliteration and be done with it all. I had a friend who had one years ago, and she was lucky enough to get her period to end altogether. I can't do hormonal birth control to make it stop as the stuff makes me crazy (I've tried). I cannot wait for this all to be done and I have no idea how my older a** still has to put up with this crap. I paid my dues. I tap, I quit, I want off this crazy train.

Yeah, mini tirade aside, I feel you on this one. I have no idea why people (any people) seem okay with periods. They are so not okay. I have no idea why anyone would try to shame someone for not wanting to have a period. I think that's shameful. Sorry you had this happen, and I totally get feeling bad about going off on someone, but I also understand why it would happen, and I hope you aren't being hard on yourself. Sometimes we just get fed up, stressed out, frustrated, whatever.. it gets to be too much and we have oops moments. I hope you got some good self care in over the whole ordeal.

I have issues not only with menstruation, but also before and after all that and anything in between.

The entirety of the reproductive cycle feels like some sort of stupid time loop that I'm trapped in; where it felt like my past experiences is irrelevant and I have no progress into future because whatever skill I had gets taken away.


That my 'best' times were in between fluctuations (because it was it's at most balanced) at the same time my worst of times (because somehow, subtle gradual transition disrupts whatever I built up over whatever times I'm more stable -- is perceived as a form of interruption to my life. And it's because somehow I might have this stupid sensitivity between phases, intolerant to many seemingly inconsistent symptoms).

That all the good days I get is 'temporary' -- that all I do is wait for bad ones to be over. It became a stupid habit of passivity. I want a change. I don't want this..

The claim is that the inconsistency is 'normal' for women.
I don't fricking like it.

Once I asked how to mitigate said inconsistency.

The damn doctor gave me this tone -- and the stupid head talk.
Nevermind my family history of metabolic issues, nevermind my habits, nevermind that I cannot adjust since puberty, nevermind my other issues on top of this damn female biology; it goes straight to 'who had it worse' and 'you have to be responsible' shite.



Hmph.
Since then I start experimenting with birth control pills. This is my first time taking birth control pills.

I was not able to monitor at teenage years. When I realized it, it took a lot of help for me to be more aware of the symptoms and connect the issues I have for years.
I've been complaining about this since 5+ or so years ago. The complaints I had then and now are the same.

I'm already 28; I'm not a teenager that still needs to adjust said hormones, I'm no longer a 'young adult' that still also needs adjusting in life. I'm past that point and not waiting until I'm 30.

I'm currently taking a combined hormonal pill and it is so, so cheap (about less than 1 USD equivalent per whole monthly pack, cheapest next to free than any supplements I had attempted) that I can afford to take a year worth of those pills without looking at my budget.

All I need is the brand name, and take it without prescription.
The kind I get was that the 'period week pills' were iron supplements instead of something else. It's sort of like a freebie to me since I sort of need it. Now I'm more diligent at taking iron pills every other day or so.

I chose combination since I deduced that estrogen seems to control my executive functions -- too little gives me ADD like symptoms, too much may give me anxiety like symptoms.
And progesterone seems to control my mood swings -- too little I might end up with some form of dysregulation, and too much will give me depression like symptoms.

I need the type that will 'even' me out, with less to no hormonal ups and downs. Even other people observed me that these hormones changes me -- only that I cannot adjust to it. They expect me to adjust to it, but I cannot. So...

I might look for implants if I succeed. For now I don't mind taking these pills around the exact same times every day.

The effects I got from those hormonal pills were almost instant and subtle.
Today it's been 2 or so weeks now. Maybe my body is still adjusting but I'm doing somehow better.
Even it eases my transition between sleeping and waking up because my usual on a daily basis feeling is this acidic like sensation all over my body as if I'm slept deprived.

Killing my libido will be great. No more subtle aggressions and stupid mood swings, no more piled up bodily induced 'sexual frustrations' -- I never desired sex, I never want my body to want sex.
And if it skips my period without the jetlag like feeling every time my period is weeks late even after days of PMS symptoms -- it'll be way better.


Maybe I'll start seeing a future of possibilities when I find that these pills will even off my hormones.
Hoping for a future with no more weekly broken streaks, no more weekly dropping things off and unable to pick it up again, no more cyclic trap shite I've been dealing for years now, no more ADD+BPD like symptoms that I'm sure it's not a part of me.

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I'm constantly telling my spouse: I have Autism and periods!! !! !! !! !! !! ! And frankly the periods are worse. I don't have contempt for them, but I really, really, really don't like the pain, uncertainty and complications that go along with them. Life is hard enough to manage and throw in monthly cycles and sensitivity and everything else about periods. Ugh. Some of my worst moments are around trying to manage my periods. I don't think about that often b/c what can I do (aside elective ablation etc.)... sigh. So crazy the amount of stress women have to/are expected to manage.

I have a friend who is prone to yelling at folks doing their jobs; he is adjusting that behavior and recently he's called back and apologized (with confidence, not shame). I tend to burst into tears when confronted by "grumpy clerks" and "burdened" a nasty scheduler this week with my emotions. She was like "our medical practice can't help you, no way, no how" and I responded with a deeply feeling "that's so sad". She basically hung up on me. So sad indeed.

I was nearly 17 when I got my first period. It was so heavy that I had to get up in the night four+ times to change my pad. It was as if it was trying to make up for being late compared to average girls.

For years from there it was always heavy and never regular. In my early twenties my period went for 81 days and I was put on the Depo Provera injection to stop it. Haven't had a period since. I'm always grateful when I walk past the feminine hygiene stuff at the shops knowing I don't have to buy any.

My twin sister is starting to get menopause symptoms. I haven't had anything but I don't know if the Depo Provera is blocking symptoms.

Anyway, no periods for me for over 20 years and I feel fortunate.

I don't know anyone who likes their period really. All my friends hate them. I was offered Mirena IUD. They say many women with that don't get period at all. Maybe you can consider that.

For me I'll just suffer through it. I'm almost 52 and the end is in sight. Life is almost always not what you expect and it's just important to treasure the good days if you get any. I try to do something that makes me happy everyday, even during period or illness.