Is this abuse?

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I think my mom is in an abusive relationship, but I'm not really sure. She is married to a man (not my father) and they have one child. I don't know if I just want them to break up because I'm jealous (I am treated like the house maid when he is around and I get no positive attention ever), or if these are really bad signs. Here is what I'm seeing:

1. My mother used to be a cat lover, and was a total nature freak. She loved mooses (meese?), buffalos, cats, whales, bears, anything other than insects and spiders really. But ever since she's been married, she hates cats, and couldn't care less about meese or buffalo, and the moose is her favorite animal. And it's not just that. She used to love hiking, traveling, random car rides to nowhere, Elvis, dancing, singing... not anymore. Lots of her interests have just died away.

2. She's conforming to her husband's wants. She ONLY makes chocolate cake with peanut butter and chocolate frosting. We both have never really liked chocolate cake and I know she's NEVER liked peanut butter; that's what her husband wants, and he gets what he wants. She watches NASCAR and QVC now, and she hated both those things before (well I've grown to like NASCAR, but I can tell she hasn't). She now never listens to the music she used to love, only her husband's music.

3. She's just not happy anymore. Maybe it's the stress of the kids she baby-sits and her two abnormal children, me included. But she used to be a single mother of a depressed daughter, she had to work security all night long with a bunch of sexist morons, we lived in the bad part of the city, our house was tiny and always too cold or too hot… but she was happier then than she is now.

4. Her husband is very controlling. As far as I know, he hasn’t hit her, but he threatens her all the time. Once he threatened to kick me and her out of the house… okay more than once. He threatened to leave her unless she got rid of me. He threatens to stop paying for her to buy “all that stupid crap [she] buys”, and HE’S the one insistent on getting the crap in the first place! Even worse, he once made my mother and I go SWIMMING IN A FREAKING THUNDER STORM so that his spoiled son wouldn't cry. My mom wouldn't have let me throw a tantrum, but she HAS to let my brother or else Paul will yell at us and threaten to leave.

5. My mother’s husband can be very mean. He will yell, swear and threaten us, and then he just changes the subject like nothing happened. He insults me and my mom frequently, covering it up with humor. He’s had both me and my mother sobbing before, and I’ve never heard the words “apologize” or “sorry” come from his mouth.

6. It’s usually my fault when he gets mad, but my mom is frequently blamed as well. It’s NEVER his fault when he get’s mad, because he’s always right in his mind.

7. He thinks he’s perfect the way he is, and his little boy is too of course. But me and my mom are both screwed up, and he’s gonna fix us and turn my mother into the model wife. He says I’m worthless and lazy like my old man, so he’ll just get rid of me as soon as he brainwashes Mom to let him.

So what do you think? Is this abusive, or is this just what a normal couple acts like? My mother's relationship has convinced me enough to NEVER get married. No way am I letting some stupid man push me around like I'm helpless. But what should I do if it is abuse? I'm terrified of my stepdad, but I love my mom too much to let her be hurt.

It does sound abusive to me, but your mother might not realize it. Maybe you ought to talk about this to her. My advice would be to print out your original post and to keep it at hand during the conversation. In situations like that, I tend to forget to mention a lot of things I was intending to say.

Be prepared for your mother not wanting to see you have a point though. Some women are totally besotted of their abusive partners or afraid to speak up against them, so your mother might feel provoked when you mention all this. If you think she might chose him over you, it would be best to tread very lightly here.

Apart from the question of whether or not your mother feels treated badly, YOU obviously do and I think that definitely gives you a right to voice your concerns. This man seems to mistreating you almost as much as your mother and I don't think you have to take that kind of sh** from anyone, not even the man your mother choses to live with.

It sounds emotionally abusive to me. This is what I fear about relationships, I think. To lose myself in someone else. Do you know why she doesn't feel strong enough to express her own likes and dislikes? Oh, and it's moose for both singular and plural, same as fish and sheep. (Raised by a grammar Nazi)

I'm not sure why. She's the strongest woman I know, and yet lately she's being acting so soft and angry all the time. She focuses on working, her husband and my brother. she never gives any attention to herself. I don't know what happened to the women I know.

I tried telling her Paul has made me feel terrible, she says that I'm just being too sensitive and that I need to learn to understand him better. I can't tell sarcasm, joking, and seriousness apart; never could. I'm screwed for another 3 years lol.

My mom is very protective of her pride. It's a weakness she's always had, but it's worse now. She won't ask for help. She's just like that chick Rick Astley sings about in hs song "Cry for Help". And she wouldn't discuss it with me. I'm scared of my stepdad, but my mother can be a pretty scary woman too lol.

I can't wait to see Harry Potter. I know that sounds REALLY random, but my mother and I always see those movies together; just me and her. We read all the books together too. It's my favorite part of the year; I don't know what I'll do when I lose that last excuse to be alone with my mom forever.

Great now I'm crying for the first time in 4 months. I don't want my mom to be sad, it's worse than anything.

yes, this is abusive. For the longest time i thought this kinda situation was normal, untill i moved in with my aunt and her family when i was twelve and realize that it actually wasn't. Unfortunatly women in this kind of relationships seem to think their men are some kinda gods and will NOT listen to any critisism directed towards them.

This is exactly the way she acts.

This isn't my mom's first bad relationship. Her other boyfriend lost his wife and daughter in a fire, and he wanted us to act just like they did, and he beat my mom when she refused and threatened to kill our cats. we left obviously; my mom wasn't gonna let him push us around.

Her last boyfriend was probably the greatest man in the world. He loved me and my mother so much, and although I no longer remember his voice or face, I remember his arms and his love the last time he held my mother and I in his arms. He left us though because his ex threatened to take his children to a place he would never see them again. Mom says she would have done the same if someone tried to take me away, but I still miss him so much. If they had gotten married instead...

Back to my current stepdad, what the heck am I supposed to do?!

i used to feel sorry for my mum 'cause she married a total jerk, but with time i've realized that, eh, she choose him, it's her problem. And your mum choose Paul, it's her problem. It just sucks that you have to live with this. Just hang on untill you can get outta there.

It sounds like she suffers from clinical depression. If she gets some help in this regard she may come to realize what a DB her husband is.

Yes, I think this man is emotionally abusive and controlling as well. Read all about it in a book called, "Living with the Dominator." But also, your mother has chosen to put up with this. It sounds like she makes a mistake that lots of women make; thinking that they have to please their partner AT ANY COST. Please don't believe that all men are like this. You could grow up and marry a perfectly wonderful guy who has learned to compromise, has a healthy self esteem, and genuinely appreciates who you are.

haha, just kidding. she doesn't want to go with me anymore to see the stupid movie. proably because her husband doesn;t know how to change a diaper, and so she has to stay home and babysit them both. well at least now i know i can't ever get my hopes up about any of my parents or else im just gonna get hurt again. they won't even let me have a freaking birthday party! ive never had one before in my life. oh well, its not like myy 16th birthday is different from any other day. last year my stepdad called me fat and ugly and stupid and friendless for my birthday. what a swell guy.
sorry for ranting. i tend to go into monologues for some reason alot. trying to stop, but old habits die hard.

You are welcome to rant here all you want!

He is controlling, and emotionally and verbally abusive -- not just of your mother, but of YOU! My first serious relationship was with a controlling man who emotionally and verbally abusive. I was terrified of him. I was in college, and if he called my dorm room and I didn't answer, he was likely to drive up to campus! I had to give him a copy of my class schedule so he'd always know where I was. He alternated putting me on a pedestal woth denigrating me physically and mentally. He cut me off from my male friends, then my female friends, and then started on my family. By the time I broke free of him, I had no self-esteem and lived in constant fear. He continued to terrorize me after we split; I had to have him banned from campus after he threatened my life. After one particularly long and gruelling conversation when he threatened suicide, hung up on me reapeatedly, then claimed he was actually slitting his wrists, I was just DONE. He hung up and I didn't call back. I had a friend holdiong my hand through much of this, and she said, "Aren't you going to call back?" I told her I couldn't be emotionally invested in him anymore. (He did not kill himself or even really try; it was just another way to terrorize me.)

Unfortunately, I didn't find this strength until I met another man. A man who treated me like a friend and an equal, who neither thought I was perfect nor cut me to shreds for not being so. A man who was gentle and respectful and never forced me. I realized that love could be fun, and funny, and protective, and make me feel good; it didn't have to be a nightmare of control and terror. I realized my ex was obsessed with me, and obession is not the same as love.

"Love is patient, Love is kind, it it not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude...." That's from the Bible, and it was the second lesson read at my wedding (not to the man mentioned above, but another wonderful man). Your stepfather's "love" is none of these things. However, speaking from experience, that is truly hard to see from within the relationship. My ex told me no one but him would ever love me, that no one but him could make me happy, that I was fat, and stupid, and I was lucky to have him. Hear that enough and you begin to believe it. Isolated enough, and it's all you hear. I think in your place, the best thing you can do is love your mom as much as possible -- hopefully she will notice this, and be reminded of how love is supposed to be. Is there any chance of getting her to a therapist? She does sound depressed, and -- since you have depression yourself -- you know how hard it can be to do anything, much less take steps to leave a relationship like this one!

These quotes speak for themselves. Yes, he is abusive.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I'm not sure what to suggest to get help, but I CAN tell you that his behaviour is most certainly abuse and you shouldn't be doubting yourself.

Take care.

You're 15, right? Is there anyone at school you trust/feel you can talk to? A teacher you get on well with or a school counsellor?

Sorry I can't be of more help, that's the only thing I can think of...

I'm homeschooled in a virtual school, so I don't have any counselers I can talk to without my mother seeing it. All messages I send or recieve are sent to her to. I don't trust any of them anyway; last time I talked to a counseler I had to drop out of school.

I have 3 friends, and I've already had to convince them all not to call child services on me. If they knew about this, they would most likely call and I'd get sent away or something.

There's literally no one else I can talk to. I can never go to my therapist because my appointments are always cancelled because of my brother's appointments he has practically everyday. I wouldn't tell him anyway since I've only talked to him once in 3 months. He'd probably report it or something.

I'm still not sure it's abuse. That's him at his worse, but the other half of the time he's really nice. He once let me go to work with him (he's a truck driver), he bought me freaking Italian jewlery, and he made it so my mom doesn't have to work anymore. I don't get it; how can he be so nice half the time and a total D-bag the other half of the time? It's like he's two different people that occasionally switch. Too bad his nasty self has been showing up so much recently, I can't even go see my friends without him throwing a tantrum.

I found this quote rather enlightening at first, until I realized something.
I have a cross on my wall, courtesy of my Catholic grandma. It's been there on my wall for years, and I never really looked at it. After reading that, I realized that the exact same bible verse you posted is engraved on my cross, and I didn't even realize it until now. How ironic that it's been sitting there for years and I've never even really thought about it...