social phobia's impact on sexual relationships

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yes I find relationships so very stressful and it also gets me very down. Ive hurt people in the past with this and I really dont want to hurt my boyfriend, but I know what Im like so Im sure I shall.

Its just so very difficult.

I agree Zonder I think the fear of rejection has a lot to do with it. Especially as pre diagnosis I put an awful lot of effort into hiding who I was, I now find it very hard to let someone know who I am. In the past Ive been rejected a lot by friends and lovers when they find out how weird I am.

my best friend of more than 10 years wrote me a 7 page essay on my faults, a couple of years ago and that really knocked my trust and Ive not bothered with contact with people much since then.

I think I need to work on trust and fear of rejection then.

maybe time will help that. though in my experience I give them time and they do reject me lol.

Having been on both social phobia forum and ASD forums, as lonely as people are here it I would say the lonely on there is extreme.

Also many of them don't like being on their own all that much, but are forced to.

I'd love getting less shy together with you, Lotusblossom.

Ive been talking about this with my boyfriend and he is very supportive of my concerns but doesnt really know anything we can do to make me more comfortable being round him.

I think its just so ingrained to be stressed round people that its very hard to not be, I just find it so hard to let my guard down.

My boyfriend is staying the weekend so I think I shall see how it goes. It definately seems easier this visit. I shall see what happens when he leaves as last time I spent vast time ruminating on stuff and made my self into quite a state.

If you have trouble even being in the same room as him, how can he be your boyfriend?

I do be in the same room as him and I have sex with him and I love him very much it just makes me stressed and anxious. I feel stressed about being with him but I still spend time with him.

Then accept that in the long run, it's just better for you to stay alone.

I think that if I cant make it work with him that I should not have another relationship and I will not be with anyone again. But I will give it a good try and work hard to make it work with him before I give up.

well he stayed the weekend but I found it extremely stressful and made him leave.

I then terminated the relationship as I think it has no future. Then I got back with him.

I know it is very cr@ppy of me to mess him about. I really dont think I can do a relationship though, its just not in me to be able to.

I get nothing good out of the situation as Im so distressed by it and find it so hard.

Other people have said to me that feeling loved by someone makes up for the negative aspects of a relationship but Ive never felt loved by anyone and stuggle to tell how others feel about me. I dont particularly like sharing experiences with people either so it seems that there is nothing positive comming out of this.

But when I did 'split up' from him I felt very sad too so its a no win situation.

I just wish I could find a way to get rid of my feelings so I was not lured into the trap of wanting to be with someone as I would be much happier not in a relationship.

I really hate having feelings and emotions its makes me feel out of control and uncomfortable. I think it really is like an addiction, like cigerettes or drink, I dont think 'romantic love' is a good thing at all.

I dont want to piss him about any more but I fear that I shall. Things are not going well.

Have you tried CBT like Gillian Butler Books?

Maybe you should not have "normal" relationship but a relationship that suits both of you.

Ive had a couple of CBT sessions but it did not help (not for relationships but for ocd) I will look up Gillian Butler books though as it might be helpful.

what do you mean by a relationship which suits both of you? Do you have examples/suggestions?

thanks 0 equals true, I appreciate your help

I think she means a f**k buddy.

In my experience its very hard to make people not love you, even if you tell them not to get emotionally involved and that you will hurt them if they do, they still do get emotionally involved.

I think this is because the love chemicals/hormones are released during sex so create love and emotions, so even if you intend to just have a sexual (rather than emotional) relationship it does not always end up that way.

I think all relationships involve hurting both parties so are best avoided if one minds hurting people.

Very true. Sex and the chemistry of love (or lust) are both primatively hardwired in humans. But let's not forget that love is a broad term that implies a whole range of feelings and emotions regarding fondness. Sex is merely the act of intercouse whether or not both parties consented. Chemistry and physical attraction from are the real and most primal indicators in how "love" may get processed once the union takes place.

Contradictory to this primal feeling...I think I'm the opposite. I never really been in "relationships"...or at least one that was lasting or great. There seems to be a pattern in where I seperate intimacy, love, and sex....I've often wondered it it had anything to do with the first brief relationship I had or if it was just a quirky trait of mine. I didn't have strong or passionate feelings toward him other than attraction. He wanted us to live together and I didn't, he was ok with that but he got more and more possessive. I got to a point where I couldn't handle his obsession with calling me all the time and wanting to be with me everytime we went out. I also wasn't comfortable with him wanting sex. I was very self conscious and he was always hypercritical of me. So I wanted to break it off and then not only did he accuse me of cheating but went around telling people including my sister that I was whoring around for money. My sister and a close relative knew me better than that and....as it turned out he had been sleeping with his exgirlfriend behind my back. It had been the first time I was with a guy and the last time I had a relationship.

Once I got into some serious and heavy drinking, I felt like the total opposite of myself that was always afraid. Most of my relationships involved one night stands. I was fine with it and felt as if I had an epiphany or hint of what I missed out on for not being "normal" or socially motivated. When I use the word normal, it is the only way in which I define the observations I made of people and their social habits. It got to the point where I depended on alcohol so much that I always "needed" it. But that's another story...

So whenever the topic of sexual relationships is brought up, I feel not one but two of the extremes on the spectrum. On one hand, I'm prudish and like a nun and on the other hand I feel like a harlot on fire. I'm not a hot chick and I'm too stubborn and selfish to stroke a man's ego unless it concerns something I either relate to or share an interest in. And no I'm not proud of being this way, I'm always at war with myself. I try and not use aspergers as the sole excuse for why I've always remained single....even though it's befitting to say I'm socially clumsy and socially clueless. I can't really improve my social skills any more than what I've observed and learned already.




All relationships including families and friendships are going to experience ups and downs as well as hurt feelings. For instance disagreements and conflicting emotions don't all have to end in petty fights such as verbal or physical abuse depending upon what ethics each person is applying in the relationship.

Then it all comes to the questions of boundaries. How far is too far when it comes to respecting and challenging eachother's boundaries and personal feelings within each boundary?

I have a lot of trouble with relationships, and I've figured out that it's probably due to social phobia. I get so nervous around guys and I'm so shy that it's really difficult for me to establish a connection with someone I may be attracted to, and the guy in question probably interprets my nerves as apathy/disinterest, so he gives up. It's frustrating, to say the least.

I've been trying to work on this though, mainly, building more self-esteem and not fearing social interaction as much. I'm still young so hopefully it will come together sooner or later. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this?