Continually being excluded

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I can relate...I was the kid who either never got invited to parties or only got invited beacuse they had to invite the whole class (and it showed). When I was 11 my so called friend had a birthday party and invited our entire grade......execpt me, and we lived 2 doors down SO I HEARD EVERYTHING! I cried for days and found out later that she told her mom she couldnt get a hold of me I saw the same girl just this past summer at a graduation event for a family friends daughter....she looked over at me and I just gave her the darkest glare ever that she left without even saying one word.

I'm now 23 and still feel excluded, but now I hate myself even more for wanting so desperately to be accepted.

In primary school, in one of my classes everyone had to partner up.
Like usual, I was the only one without a partner (it was an odd-numbered class).

I got in trouble because I just stood there, because my only friend was in another classroom, and no one offered to have a 3-person group.
I almost cried.
I was always the last person in P.E. to get partnered up. I always ended up in a group of 3.

I've never been to a high school party. And quite frankly, I don't want to.
I don't understand why people think they're fun.
It's just standing around (getting drunk) and talking (or having sex).

The closest I've ever been was at a cast party for a school production.
I was so out of my element.
I sat on a couch as another girl slept. I tried to keep track of my friends, but they were being social and talking with others, all over the place.

I seriously have missed out on a lot in life beacuse of my fear of rejection....as a result I dont want to go out with friends bc i feel like im not truly wanted there