AS Women and Relationships

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And this is how it is for me nowadays too. Don´t know if that has something to do with age: at least when I was younger, people would try to talk to me more. These days, it really is only the blunt ones who approach me at all...(unless I´m REALLY missing something. )

Ach, yes. Quite sad...

^ Wow Morgana, it's always happened to me. Maybe I really was missing something.

I don't mind how people don't approach anymore (now I'm mostly a hermit). It gives me space to be alone and nurture my interests. The closest I came to being admired/approached recently was by a butch-looking woman; I noticed her eyeing me.

Where do some men get that sense of entitlement? Easy enough. It works. Not all the time. Hopefully not most of the time. I could go into an Aspie male diatribe, but this isn't the place for it. Suffice it to say that this yields results often enough that it gets established as a behavior. And it isn't restricted to AS women, NT women fall for it also.

Most of my friends have been female. Only one of which might be on the spectrum. But I have seen this story repeated way to many times. Up to and including the tearful 3 am phone call.

Don't beat yourself up. It is very common. I wish I knew the answer, but I don't.

Wow! I identify so strongly with the latest topic. I, too, am mostly approached by fairly blunt men, and (apparently) fail to notice the more subtle ones. It has been a long-standing joke amongst my friends how naive I am at realising when men are interested in me, and many, many times I have been surprised when they tell me of what to them were very obvious approaches.

I do believe that one of the reasons AS women have so much difficulty forging strong, lasting, healthy relationships is simply because we don't SEE the good guys! I find it hard to be interested in someone until I know whether they like me; that coupled with my inability to notice subtle overtures mean that I only engage with men who are quite upfront. So many times it seems that the type of men who can be so literal and thus visible to AS women are exactly the type we should be avoiding. They are often over-confident in themselves, not respectful of the feelings and comfort zones of others, and do seem to have a tendency to be, well, a$$holes.

The only way around this that I can see is to consciously analyse and decide which men of those we meet are likeable, kind, good people. Then we should step forward and take the initiative to engage them ourselves. I'm sure we all know this - but it's so frustrating that the very thing we should be doing is something that almost by definition many AS women have difficulties with.

I guess all we can do is keep trying!

my views on me ;

I am also approached by fairly blunt men, but does not catches me by surprise, I usually see them coming ( I mean, I know they are a**holes just before they have to interact with me, don't have to start an emotional relationship for realizing what they are like after; intuition).
Is not that I don't see the other ones ( the ones who are not a**holes, normal) approaching me, but if I see it, still I will be not attracted because our minds will not match, that's why it seems only other aspies(males) can make me feel attracted, becuase usually they will also be quite blunty type of ones (Like the blunty kind of Nt type, ) that will ask of you exactly what they want/expect from you, than sometimes is a thing we aspies females need, things "clear". But the difference with normal Nt males that blunt on you, and after they will just leave you or attack you (they are the a**hole type ones, afterall) the aspie ones will not have the need to attack you or hurt you, because in the end they know they share with you some of the same aspie feelings, that makes us want to be with company sometimes or alone, understandig and being comprenhensive with each other in a world we share.

The last man who approached me (recently, around Easter) smelled bad when he got close to me. Blech!! ! I could never go out with someone who´s smell I can´t stand. This has been a turnoff a couple of times, I guess I have a sensitive nose.

This approach hasn´t really worked for me yet. Occasionally, I have been interested in someone from work or something, or in an environment where I see someone over time and decide I like them. Unfortunately, eventually that, too, will get to the point where picking up and giving off signals will be important. So usually, I can maybe start an interaction, but it never "takes off". And I´m too afraid of rejection to be ridiculously straightforward, plus I´m not really sure how upfront women are allowed to be. We have to somehow get our point across, but be indirect about it; something which I find particularly hard! Another problem with being a woman.

Whenever I read books about signals women should use, to express interest in a man, they always say the best thing the woman can do is to make eye contact, then smile at the man without breaking the eye contact. Now, can any of you guys do that? I can´t!! !

^ Exactly.

It's the subtle non-verbal signals we're missing and are unable to regulate. I was surprised I noticed that woman eyeing me up; I'm usually oblivious to these subtleties. To meet the less blunt men, I suppose you have to be adept at catching their eye, producing the correct signals, then making an approach. This is why I didn't encounter them; I missed their signals and couldn't produce any of my own.

On the subject of not knowing how straightforward to be: has anyone noticed how others sometimes associate lots of honesty and frankness with naivety or lack of intelligence, and then start patronizing? For example, I will freely admit to a weakness, but instead of this being regarded as a sign of confidence and security, it results in derision.

^ Our refreshing ASD honesty is often spurned. I know no other way to be. I have been the source of derision over and over again because of it. I I was referred to as "weird" on WP because of it! Others have patronised me with how "wonderfully honest" I am - as if it is some kind of little novelty - and yet for me, while it is a trait I like in myself, it is not evidence of moral superiority. It is simply who i am.

on the whole however, it is not a quality that is valued or appreciated in the world i reside in.
I am looked upon as a fool because of it.

Yes, I have noticed this. My closest friend says I admit to things (vulnerabilities) more than most people; she doesn´t seem to be bothered by this though, she just accepts that is me. Other people have told me that I´m "refreshingly honest", or that I´ve brought up points that other people don´t acknowledge. I have learned, though, that honesty and admitting vulnerability can backfire, so I´m very careful these days about whom I confide in. I used to have the problem that I revealed too much, to the wrong people. I´ve learned to be much more careful.

I agree with you that being able to admit vulnerability is actually a sign of strength. But I learned that the rest of the world doesn´t think this way! Quite the opposite. I guess because too many people can take advantage of it. And, they do!

Same here.

Seems to be a common autism trait, which makes me feel less of an oddity. I've met a couple of people who appreciated it though.

i have tried to consciously tailor it and tone it down, but it is actually impossible for me to do so. When i talk i focus on talking and saying what i think. It just pours out and later i reflect and analyse and get worried. I am not as blunt as i used to be, but i still say what i think. I just cannot help it. The way i have come to deal with it is to isolate myself from people who do not accept it in me. Those who mind do not matter and those who matter do not mind.

Do you find it's the same in writing? I prefer writing because I can take more time to improve the delivery by re-checking for tone and context. I didn't used to do this so much and it resulted in someone getting insulted and flaming me. Anxiety therefore drove me to obsessively check my writing for a long time, but it didn't prevent the overanalysing afterwards (which can actually make me terribly depressed and paranoid, and feeling like the scum of the Earth). I got over that when joining WP and now operate somewhere in the middle. This is the least anxiety-provoking place I've posted, which was completely unexpected.

I think others--those who matter--might be more understanding if we pre-warn them about things. However, I don't know how to do this when getting to know someone. Do I just bluntly state that I might do x, y, and z occasionally, but don't mean any harm by it?

I'm starting to think this might be the best way to begin any relationships I might have in the future.

Hahahahahahahahha!

Well, I thought of all you women on this thread today. Speak of the devil...another total weirdo-guy tried to talk me up! But today it just seemed funny, since we´ve been discussing this lately.

I was on my way to work, early in the morning- (so I didn´t expect it!) I was listening to my ipod, in my own world, when I suddenly had the feeling someone was following me. I looked back, and there was a guy quite close to me. He gave me a smarmy smile. He was talking to me, so of course my first thought was that maybe we knew each other from somewhere- (I have trouble sometimes with facial recognition, especially if the face is somewhat nondescript). Unfortunately, this problem gets me in trouble quite often with men, as I try to pretend I know who someone is if I don´t recognize them. In any case, it soon became clear that I didn´t know him, as he was saying he wanted to get to know me, and he was demanding- not asking, but DEMANDING- me for my phone number. I tried to ignore him, and just told him I was going to work. He followed me right up the steps to my work, I thought he was going to go in with me! As I walked up the steps, and he was following me demanding me for my number, an older woman ahead of me turned back and gave ME a strange look! Has this happened to any of you? It happens to me all the time; some nutcase guy is hassling me, but people give ME a strange look, as if I`M the weird one! Ah, what a world.

Luckily, he didn´t follow me into the building, so I lost him.

Yes. They do give me the weird look!

And that's exactly the sort of thing I've had to deal with; the demanding. Unbelieveable.

At least you found much humour in the situation.

I think the weird looks come from us not being able to promptly dispatch the one accosting. We're too nice.

i do. I just tell them i am blunt and have an ASD now that i know and then it REALLY SORTS THEM!!
it's been interesting - since m ydx there are definitely those in my career field who have been really good about it and those who have just completely dumped any professional contact with me. (work related.)

Re Writing: I much prefer to communicate in this manner as I can process and reflect and alter what I say. I can edit. I can be so emphatic face to face that people are really offended and I mean absolutely NO HARM at all. It is really awful actually. (With WP and writing, I still get people off side, but then, it is an improvement...than face to face when I am on a monologue roll. oh dear.)
With writing, there is not the multi-tasking that i keep harking back to. Just me and the words, no other person with intonations, facial expressions, no unfamiliar environment, no excess stimuli. Just me, my laptop, the keyboard and my little room. peaceful when compared to face to face interactions.
Writing is so much better. Most of my work stuff is through writing and email and only phone or face to face when absolutely essential now.