AS Women and Relationships

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Yes, I do seem to have trouble getting rid of these people. I´m not sure what it is I´m doing wrong, maybe it´s a face and/or body language thing? However, I thought other women had problems with creeps too. One would think they would show a little empathy...

What´s even worse, though, is that for a time I thought I was "supposed to" go out with some of these men! So sometimes, I actually gave them my number and tried it. This was when I was a bit younger, and people would ask me why I did not go out or have lots of boyfriends, or they would imply that I was not "trying hard enough". As I wasn´t sure what else I should be doing, I just assumed that maybe this was how it worked, and I should be going out on dates with some of these people....I tried coffee with some of them, but it was always a disaster. And when I was young I was much less discerning, I couldn´t tell who was a creep. Just recently, after learning about AS, I have started asking a few people who I trust about social situations- (when I was younger I wouldn´t do that much, I would try to pretend I knew). Both people I asked about going out with strangers on the street said no. That was good, because I never wanted to go out with these people anyway....I just thought I wasn´t "trying hard enough"!

Anyway...how embarrassing...

hahaha, yes. I also thought the same. Because they seemed so easily approach to you, when maybe the other guys will just look you from far away (but that's because we lack facial expressions and body language, so many Nt will don't know how react in our presence). But of course if the creep ones approach to you so easily is not becuase they want to talk about poetry with you or even interested in your personality, is more a 'natural' thing kind of 'predator sexual instinct' maybe you irradiate around you without maybe you noticing, but of course the 'predators' looking for (they think) easy sex will notice,..
And because I have some weird traits in some body 'parts' ( people say I'm very beautiful and sensual, but still) I thought (before, with time and years you learn to accept more your body than when younger) these would be the only ones that would approach me and I would have to accept (cause I'm not claudia schiffer), It is based in self-confidence, if you like yourself little then you will end with the easy 'predators', as more we learn to know ourselves and appreciatte us, maybe we will not fall so easily under 'predators' and will bump more maybe into nicer men, .. who knows.

oh geesh - do i relate to this.

I never got asked out by the normal young men because i was weird. Others asked me out. The creeps. I didn't know you could say NO to the invitation.
One incident was when i was in a psychiatric hospital. THE uni student social worker asked me out for a coffee - i mean - i am a psych patient at the time - and after I left the unit, i thought i HAD to have a coffee with him. I had NO IDEA in my teens and twenties. all guesswork and then - on top of that the alexythimic stuff so i did not even know what i felt about it. I just struggled!!

My dad's on the spectrum too and he cannot say no to people or discriminate either. I will give an example of its extent.

In my early twenties, my dad met a man in his late thirties/early forties through his acquaintances. This man was interested in finding a young, educated woman from the UK (he was originally from India) to marry. I fit the specifications, so my dad was persuaded (very easily I imagine) to get me to accept a phonecall from this man and get to know him. Never mind that I was asexual at the time, in a relationship, had always expressed how I never intended to marry, and that he was completely unsuitable.

Anyway, my dad just went along with it and actually got me to take the phonecall. I remember the man spoke to me as though I were an interviewee, asking all about my education etc. When he asked whether I wanted to meet, I just said OK because I knew no better. However, I was lucky that my mother discovered what had been going on and intervened. She was shocked that dad just couldn't say no or understand the inappropriateness of what he was doing. Looking back, he actually seemed quite excited at the prospect of pleasing his acquaintances by helping them arrange such a marriage (albeit completely overlooking my welfare in the process ). He's always related far better to other cultures, so this kind of thing seems natural to him.

^ my goodness, outlier!
I also have a story about arranged marriage.


With all due respect to those who post on this brilliant thread......

a film of comedic brilliance could be made, based on these vignettes.
we must laugh, or we cry.

"The Aspergina Monologues"

Not disrespecting anyone, I just couldn't suppress the pun.

^

I second that.

Wow, interesting! So your Dad did this? I hope he demanded a top price for you....(sorry, that was a bad joke, I couldn´t resist).

Do you want to tell us about it? I´d be curious....

By the way, how did your coffee go with that guy in the psych ward?

Now that we are exchanging stories about things we just went along with, I have one of my own...and it´s really embarrassing!

Back when I was in my 20´s, I was touring Europe, going on auditions for dance companies. It was quite stressful finding a place to sleep sometimes, so I would often just get on an overnight train and sleep in the sleeper car, going to my next destination in the process. One day I got to the train late, and had no time to reserve a place to sleep, so I frantically ran onto the train, hoping there was a place left. The conductor was very nice, and opened up a new car for me- (normally one slept 4 to 6 in a room, but I got a whole room to myself). I was incredibly thankful about this, and also being alone! Unfortunately, after he made his rounds, he kept coming into the room to kiss me! I guess that´s why he so "nicely" opened up a car for me. At the time, I went along with it...I think I was confused, wasn´t sure if I was "supposed" to reciprocate...I know that sounds really totally stupid now, but when I was younger, these things seemed confusing, and when they happened too fast, I had no time to react really. I also had that problem that I didn´t really know what my own feelings were about it, I had no time to think. And it was bad that someone who was in some kind of authority, in a way, did that. Nowadays, though, I would never let something like that happen.

Ah, yes. The "Aspergina Monologues"....

^

my goodness! Most other women who find out about the many scenarios in my life that are similar to the ones you women recount, think I am a loopy imbecile...a brainiac buffoon! These stories could be from my own life!!

pscych worker coffee - I sat there mute. I hardly talked in my teens and twenties- at that time. Puzzled. couldn't work any of it out. He rang again and my stepmother and father tried to encourage me to go and see him again. I never rang him back.

I got married through "arranged circumstances." Basically i screwed the whole thing up and shattered peoples' lives and only realised later the full ramifications of my lack of insight into their perspectives on the matter. (ToM is not my strong point.) I was largely oblivious to what i had done, but did understand intellectually after some consideration that i may have caused a tad of havoc.

Last edited by millie on 21 May 2009, 3:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Oh, he fully intended to give me away for free. This is how he is in general; unable to say no to people. So, for example, whenever he's trying to sell something of his, such as a car, people take advantage.

I liked your train story. Exactly the kind of thing I'd have done with the reciprocation! Same goes for millie's story where she sat mute and puzzled; that was me in my twenties.


Here's another tale of "braniac buffoon[ary]":

As an undergrad, I met and briefly dated a fellow student (who was yet another person I'd refused to bed). A few months after it ended, he was still interested in me. I knew this because he would randomly try to get physical with me whenever he caught me alone. I will give a couple of examples.

The first time it happened was during my final year project, which involved working alone in one of the labs at unusual hours. One day, he entered the lab and asked about my project, but then started complimenting me and seemed very lustful. Nothing much happened because he was late for a class. However, he informed me he'd be back later and told me how horny he felt. Silly me didn't think much of this and continued working. When he returned, he burst into the lab growling like a beast and made directly for me. I didn't sense any danger--it seemed rather benign--and just continued working with the lab equipment while he ran his hands over places. I would try to push him away now and again, but only when it made working problematic. I had no idea what to say or do apart from this and no idea what to feel; therefore I behaved as though it didn't exist. I remember not feeling in the least bit afraid or offended.

The next major encounter was in the study room. At first he spoke about the work, but then kept interrupting it with compliments. This continued for about an hour, with him asking repetitively why we couldn't just fool around. I kept stating I simply had no wish to do this. I had no idea what to say that would get rid of him; he was extremely persistent. It didn't occur to me to just leave. Instead, I stayed there for as long as I'd planned, which was late, and everyone else had left the room so it was just me and him. That's when he started getting physical. Like in the lab, I didn't do anything to stop it, didn't reciprocate, and tried to ignore it. He couldn't read me at all and assumed I was consenting by not getting mad and firmly telling him to go away. I kept telling him I wasn't interested, but my non-verbal signals didn't match. I know this because when we parted he was thoroughly confused. I was also naive enough to feel responsible for his frustration, due to not reciprocating.

^ this kind of thing is all too familiar.
my goodness.

Once in my 20's, i was approached by a man who worked at the Australian Museum in Sydney. His name was Daniel> he was into insects in a very big way. He asked if he could see my work sometime. I replied quite factually and with the naive smile I have - "oh of course. come up to my studio and you can see my drawings."

That was my literal line, word for word.

he came to my studio one day. I started showing him my drawings and before I knew it he was lunging on me with the full force of his stocky frame.

Finally I was able to say to him, after he got a few feels in - "but I thought you were wanting to see my drawings."
He stayed a little while and left and was not interested in the drawings much at all.

later some artist was in hysterics about it, when i told them about it ...r olling around around on the floor laughing at my naivety and saying "oh Millie, don't you realise that 'come up and look at my drawings' translates to "come and have a sexual encounter...come and f**k me?"

I didn't. BUti took on board that piece of information quick smart.

Yes, I had the problem when I was a young dancer going to auditions for the first time- and feeling totally intimidated!- men would often approach me by saying they thought I was talented. Of course, I would totally admire dancers who I thought were talented, so it never occurred to me that they only said that as a line for a possible sexual encounter. Man, I was SO naive, and all alone in New York City! I took everything literally.

About the "come up to see my drawings"...come to think of it, I have heard that as a line in movies lately, but I never thought about that until I got to the end of your story. I guess that is the problem, is even when you know the innuendo exists, it´s easy to forget about, if your brain works in a literal fashion. So that´s really stupid...what do you say if you really, totally, literally, want someone to come up and see your drawings, without the sex??? The whole thing can get kind of confusing after awhile!

I'm so naive that I still have some difficulty discerning whether those in the accounts I gave above acted inappropriately. I really do have it bad; it's like having a hole in my brain, which is aptly described by the term mindblindness.

This exact type of thing has happened to me so frequently that I am now totally blunt about it. I've gotten sick of mixed messages and men misinterpreting me. For instance, a recent conversation with a coworker went like this (I work on a mine site and we live in dorms):

Him: "Do you still have my beer in your room?" (Long story, but I ended up with a six-pack of his in my fridge.)
Me: "Yup - would you like it back?"
Him: "Can I come over and have a beer or two?"
Me: "Of course you can. But I do mean that you can have a beer - it's not a euphemism for sex."
Him: "...."
Me: "Seriously. Sorry."
Him: ".... Okay. Sure."

And he came and had a beer, we hung out, and his pants stayed on.

I also had a coworker ask if I'd like to go for a drink while we were on break at the same time - I turned right around and said, "Do you mean a friendly drink or a date? Sorry to be so blunt, but I don't interpret these things well." He was a bit taken aback, but clarified, we went for the drink and all was well.

It can work, but it does put some people off. I just got so, so sick of going up to a guy's room to borrow a DVD only to find him lunging at me. It makes me wonder: does anyone actually invite someone "up" for what they are literally saying? Or is it all a euphemism? Totally baffling to me.