Do All Men Do Stupid ****?

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He hasn't done anything she said. But the fact he even talks about hurting a dog whether he intends to or not is f&^%$N scary. Warning bells!

She said that he squeezed the dog's head until the dog whimpered and he only stopped because she stopped him. I wonder what he does when she's not there to stop him.

Well I have no sympathy for someone staying with a monster when they have the power to get out. She's not reading this anyway. She's just gone and put her head back into the sand.

Leave his ass. He is a complete scumbag and there is absolutely no excuse for him to hit you or hurt your dog. Do not excuse his actions as mere childishness. It is nothing more than an act of establishing control over you through aggression. The fact that you even question if all men are like this means you have grown so accustomed to him that it seems normal to you. He has pathological written all over his forehead and you need to leave him ASAP. Do not feed into your dependency and remain complacent within your comfort zone. You do not need a piece of s**t like him and neither does the world.

He's an abuser.
He will abuse you more and more severely until he kills you or you leave him. He may also come after you and kill you after you leave him.
Blunt is best sometimes, and this is one of those times.
Get out while you can.

No not all men are stupid or do stupid things.

I have, for the record, impacted an ex on the side of the head with my foot. It was in the middle of... intimate... activities, and I guarantee you that it was the worst feeling in the world. I can only use my own experience for this analogy, and not relate to someone else's, but I was HORRIFIED. The last thing in the world I wanted to do was hurt someone I cared about.

How do people know that 'punch in the face' might not be a figure of speech? It's like 'I would kill'......'for a donut/pair of Jimmy Chus(?)'....'them if they take my parking spot'. It's a mental excercise in venting or expressing anger, which is something I believe just about everyone in the world does. This is only a different point of context, and I am not hailing as being correct.
Another thing you mention is that you expressed disbelief in his abilities. This is a big hit at the ego of just about any male or female, and thus something to be proven wrong. His actions in doing so are not excusable, but it's also expected that when challenged with something relatively trivial such as this, people will aim to prove themselves.

Finally, relating to the dog run over you, this is an incredibly hard situation to judge. Were you both playing with the dog, how big is the dog, was he apologetic for the outcome, was the initial intention hurtful or simply playful? I know there have been occurrences in my past with friends, girlfriends and siblings where the best or most humorous intentions have gone awry and ended up in tears, bruises and hurt egos. Along with that, humour is entirely subjective and can vary from enjoying fart jokes to very dark humour, so what he finds funny might not relate to your sense of humour. Again, this is not something I'm qualified to judge and given the lack of information I don't feel comfortable in doing any more so.

Please realise I'm not trying to defend the actions of the man in the first post, just trying to provide ideas that people might be overlooking due to the fact that this is solely a post describing in very few words initial actions in nothing but text. This means they can be taken extraordinarily out of context because no emotion, inflection or intent can be conveyed accurately via text.

In short, not all men do stupid things, but not all things men do that were perceived as stupid necessarily are. Situational context is a hugely important factor, as well as personality traits of an individual.

If he is abusive, and hurts you intentionally then please do ignore all of the above and help yourself by leaving.

I hope he doesn't end up killing you, Meggo--'cause you're dating a sociopath.

Why you choose to stay with someone who is abusive towards you, GOD, we will never know. I used to be obsessed with serial killers an read a lot about people who are antisocial an telling someone you are going to KICK them in the face is inappropriate behavior. Adding on, he finally DID kick you in the face. What makes you think it won't move on from that? It gets worst from here, but I think you want to stay with men who do stupid dangerous s**t like putting your life in danger.

SMH...

You should leave him immediately but you won't because your neediness trumps common sense and your pets' rights to be treated humanely.

He hurts you and your animals but you justify his actions by saying "oh, but he didn't mean to" and whine that you don't think that anyone else will want a female ASD. What are you waiting for? For him to kill one of the animals and then say he didn't mean it? For him to hurt you bad enough to send you hospital and then to say he didn't mean it?

As another poster said: if he hurts your pets in front of you and stops only when you ask him, what do you think he does to them when you're not around?

He kicked you in the face????? I don't know how you could have a bigger red flag than that. If it were me, I couldn't leave him fast enough.

I wonder if Meggo has stopped responding because she's decomposing somewhere.

Yes, I'm male, but here's my advice / 2 cents. No nonsense, and straight to the point.

1. The best way to communicate with men (generally speaking) is to use direct language. You went wrong with the manner in which you expressed yourself. By saying something along the lines of "Last night, I expressed that I didn't believe he would ever do so." - for him - could indicate several things:

a) A challenge of whether he is 'man' enough to actually do it. If at this point he 'wusses out', he 'loses' the challenge.
b) You are placing yourself in a position of weakness. Subconsciously this language and your behavior indicates that you surrender yourself to him, will put up with anything he does, and hold out for a glimmer of hope you can tame his behavior. In reality he will not alter his behavior unless compelled.
c) He may be mistaking or not connecting with your point when you use indirect communication. For example he might not be conscious that when you say something along the lines of "I don't believe you will ever do such a thing", should really mean, in the male brain, "Don't F*******G say that or be like that, or else. I hate it and have had enough. I'm letting you know and giving you one more chance"

2. It sounds like you're in an abusive relationship. The only thing keeping you there is you. There are plenty of men in the world who do not abuse their partner or potential partner in this way and there's no reason whatsoever to put up with it, apart from your own mindset. Ask in your own mind if you're attracted to his 'bad side' and are you attempting to tame a 'bad boy' (but with little success.) 'Bad boys' know they're bad, and usually will instinctively know what women are wanting in these situations and deliberately refrain from it as much as possible.)


On direct communication:
Remember that most men in general respond the best to direct forms of communication; whether AS or neurotypical. (Whereas women in general prefer indirect communication. I have no idea how AS might affect this.) After all, one expert theory of Asperger's syndrome (from Hans Asperger himself and Simon Baron-Cohen) is that AS could represent the extreme of the 'male' brain. Personally I know how I respond with direct vs indirect communication, and even compared to other men I respond far better to direct communication and often simply don't get indirect communication even when other men do. The styles of communication men and boys respond to also requires a different approach to how young women would engage with other female peers. I know my Mum knows this, and I've noticed an adaption to communicate 'male' seems to have taken place in older women or those who've raised boys, but lacking in younger women.

Think of how a predominately male occupational environment functions - such as a football team, army regiment or a workshop. In these environments men communicate to each other *exactly* what they have in mind - such as what their expectations are, what to work on, what they do well, what they're not doing well, what to do next, how to go about it, how to achieve, what they think of someone else, etc. These environments could not function without heavy usage of direct communication, for obvious reasons, and its how humans have evolved - imagine an Army sergeant telling a recruit 'I'm feeling you couldn't be absent without leave on your sergeant another time' compared to the use of some four-letter words in a stern phrase warning him he needs to turn up on time or he's on spud duty. It's very obvious why the second one is used, as it gets the point across, with no room for mis-interpretation; a critical mistake that could cost lives or turn a victory into a loss.

From my perspective if I was doing something 'wrong' as far as my (hypothetical) girlfriend/fiance/wife was concerned, I would consider the best way to change this is to be specifically told what the problem or issue is, and if possible advice or steps for resolving it. What I wouldn't want is for her to suddenly disappear or leave, get annoyed or frustrated with me whilst I'm puzzled why, or give hints or gestures about something and becoming disappointed I didn't know what she meant.

IMHO, the sweet girl in an abusive relationship with a 'bad boy' is similar to the 'nice guy' who gets 'friended' by the b***h (especially common amongst aspie men). Both are examples, for either gender, where social naiviety or a lack of cognition or appropriate social instinct results in the victim making themselves vulnerable. The main difference is the 'bad boy' abusive relationship is physical and sexual as well as psychological, whereas the 'nice guy' abusive relationship is rarely if ever sexual or physical, but very deeply psychological, consuming and economic. I've also noticed that victims of these relationships are often deluded into blaming the entire opposite gender for it, when it's really not the case. The perpetrators of these kinds of abuse also seem to act out of impulse or instinct rather than linear thought and logical reasoning. For example, if people used the 'thinking' part of the brain to probe and exploit weaknesses in others, it would seem these perpetrators are all sociopathic, twisted, evil geniuses. This probably isn't the case, (perhaps the opposite) and most abusive behavior comes from a different or subconscious part of the brain, that overrides the 'thinking' part, at least in my observation and experience. Obviously I can't use someone else's brain to make sure so it's hard to prove, but I do know if I were to actually behave ias the abuser, I'd need to actively catalog and think of the other person's signs of vulnerabilities and the best ways of exploiting them; and this just comes across as absolutely and repulsively evil.

Always remember there are plenty of fish in the sea, and plenty of men around who would be interested in you, and who've been brought up that its totally unacceptable to hit/kick their partner. If you don't believe me, just think, even in just this community, a major issue experienced by men is the lack of a female partner, or positive experiences from relationships, sexuality, dating etc. I can already tell you now that your fear nobody else will want to date you is a totally false - test it by simply asking someone if you don't believe me. You just need to be brave, think things through, ask yourself what you're really looking for, and is it really worth staying with him?

I hope this helps, not just for Meggo, but anyone.

Cheers,

Dave
(A major source for my research on related material has been from literature by Allan & Barbara Pease. This is advice and personal opinion only and I bear no responsibility whatsoever relating to its use / misuse / impact / anything)

I laughed. How is that not funny?

Get rid of him. Leave. Now.
What you are describing is dangerous, controlling behavior; it will not get better, and it might get worse. Hundreds of women every year are killed by their boyfriends or spouses, and there was usually behavior like this prior to the murder.

If you can, go someplace where he won't know to look for you; women are most in danger from abusive partners when they leave and immediatly after.

Some things to consider:

Unless you force him to change, this currently abusive behaviour will only continue to worsen as time goes by. An "accidental" kick today, an "accidental" shove tomorrow, an "accidental" punch down the road.

He will always have an excuse for his unacceptable behaviour, and you will always believe him and deny that it is abuse. It is absolutely abusive. It is abnormal.

Suggesting that you shouldn't leave him because of "time invested" is very poor reasoning. If you had spent a week climbing up a mountain, but the weather was getting worse and worse, would you still keep climbing, despite it possibly ending in your death? You are currently climbing a mountain. Either make the weather calm down, or stop climbing the mountain.

Suggesting that you shouldn't leave him because all men are probably stupid like him, is also very poor reasoning. There are hundreds of millions of available men who would never harm you, your pets, or your potential children, under any normal circumstance, such as frustrations with work.

There is absolutely no excuse for his behaviour toward a dependent animal. This is the same as doing it to a dependent child. They have no defenses, due to their position in the family. It is pure abuse of power, and it will only get worse with time, unless major changes happen in his mode of thinking and behaving. These changes are entirely possible, but will not come easily, and will certainly not come without you pushing hard for them.

Being kicked in the face is not an "accident". There is no way that an adult should be throwing a kick anywhere near his partner's face. He knows this, but he is testing you.

You are correct in your assertion that he is "childish", though what this actually means is "emotionally and socially undeveloped".

Children test boundaries with their parents. Clearly he never learned proper boundaries from his own parents, and so he is still in that toddler state of doing increasingly severe things to see how the authority figure reacts to them. He is testing boundaries, and you are giving him permission to continue escalating his abuse. You must stop accepting this, if you value your personal safety, and the safety of your pet(s).

If you are not wanting to leave him, as is entirely your decision, I would strongly recommend that you suggest that he sees a counselor, either alone or with you.

I would recommend against saying it to him as an ultimatum, as those tend to make people feel trapped, and usually they will fight back against the ultimatum and not give it a fair consideration.

I think a good approach would be to write him a letter explaining clearly that the violent acts toward you and your dog are unacceptable, and that they scare you. Explain to him that you would feel better about your relationship with him, if he would come to talk to someone about these issues with you, as well as talking with someone about whichever issues he might have with you.

If he is unwilling to do counseling, you really need to consider whether or not this seems like a person you want to spend your life with -- someone who is unwilling to work toward making the relationship he is in better and workable for everyone involved.

No. Not all do this, only ones who don't have a lot of respect for the other person and enjoy having power over others.
In a word, bullies do this.

I'm sorry that happened to you, and keep in mind that it doesn't have to be a full on beating to cross the line into unacceptable territory.
Maybe he will escalate, or maybe he won't... but these are warning signs. In my experience you can't expect this controlling behaviour to change, and I would rethink the reasons I was staying.

It's not loving to threaten (with intent or not is irrelevant), not okay to kick your face to psych you out, and not safe to angrily squeeze your dog.
He may or may not increasingly be testing the limits of what he can get away with doing to you, but this is already abusive behaviour. He has a problem with anger, so I wouldn't be counting on hobbies.


So yes, I think you should move on. Forget the 3 years, don't feel unlovable or "forever alone" because of your Aspergers..
Just know that there are loving safe men out there, men that share the cooking and would never rough their partner up or freak her out with the threat. I know there are, because I personally know some of those men. And don't think you can't get one, because you can. Even if it takes a bit of time and you go through a few more relationships looking. (Which is quite normal by the way.)


You don't deserve the disrespect and threat of violence being dished out, and you do not have to settle. There's a whole world out there with many good safe people in it.

But look after yourself above all. I'd advise telling a friend what's going on, or visiting a site such as --->this one<---.
Get out of there if you can, but be aware he could then flip out and hurt you. So always do what keeps you safe.

Leave him already.

It's going to be a horrible wrench, yes. But the bottom line is he doesn't respect basic boundaries or morals. He thought he was being funny and cool by kicking you in the face for crying out loud!! Better to hurt emotionally now because you left him than hurt physically while lying in hospital because of his violence.

And your dog can't exactly stand up for itself, and it's only fair to protect a dependent animal.

Leave him. Seriously. Get the f**k out.