AS Women and Relationships

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Another thing about relationships that puzzles me :

I made a facebook quizz (silly I know) and I'm the kind of sweet girl, that men don't take serious and play with. But there's something true about the quizz. I have experienced that this year. Two guys I met, they seemed to be both players, but first I only fixated in their other non-players side (the child-like, the caring one) and that's what I felt attracted, and kept going on relating with them. Now, I am like left aside somehow(by them), so I would have to be upset or regret almost, but I am not. Is like I know they are not' bad' (but they act like they act for other utterly internal reasons, etc..) and all I could see is someone who needed 'comprenhension', a little love, and I felt I was bornt to give, feel needed (mental, and physically) somehow, and they are not bad, just tormented souls, and I'm also not bad also a tormented soul. Usually Nt would think they would used me (like a**holes do) and I let myself being used like a silly. Because maybe in the end ,after lots of moths or relationship,the three of us would end separate, they would miss me and I would feel alone, but is like we all were playing a 'game' seen from the outside Nt world where we all liked each other but we needed to separate and became 'loners' again, well this time it was more them than me who got scared and left, and become loners like we were before, although I wouldn't like to end like this, cause I learned when to be separate and in company, like switching a button 'On' and 'off', but in this case it was them who were 'scared' maybe for not learning how to swithc On and Off, and just stay all time On or Off, pity ...

I feel like I am some sort of glass of water that I fullfilled myself with content for being emptied (of emotions I mean) for other persons needs, lilke the cow who need to be emptied of its milk, in benefit of both me for being emptied of my milk (too much is too much to handle)and them for drinking it, lol.. so is like they use me but I also use them, and the strange is that uses to happen to me with the ones who are also in the spectrum, (maybe is our way of relating, different than Nt ). ...

Wow, outlier, that sounds pretty harsh! I´m sorry you had to go through those experiences.

starlighter: Interesting post! It´s good to hear your perspective.

Outlier, I have experienced a similar thing with my mother. Not quite as overt as what you describe in the passage about your brother violently kicking you, but my mother decided I was some kind of enemy sometime after I reached adulthood. I don't know exactly when it happened, just that I spent years explaining away some of the cruel things she did with me, because she was quite a wonderful mother when I was growing up. So I kept finding some place to put those behaviors of hers that didn't compute. Until eventually she betrayed me in a way I couldn't explain away, and then, suddenly, all the events of the past ten or more years made sense. Somewhere along the line, she decided she didn't like me, maybe even hated me.

I haven't had any contact with her for four years, since the big blowup event that opened my eyes. I'm okay with that, in the sense that we don't get to pick our parents, she did a good job when I was growing up, and I have a life that just doesn't intersect with hers anymore. But, of course, sometimes I'm incredibly sad about it, and I wonder what I did to "deserve" her hatred. I did nothing, of course; but sometimes I just sink into the sadness of being a little girl whose mommy doesn't love her. Even at 42.

I reckon my experiences could be more or less within the norm (wrt the frequency of the physical abuse.)

Saja, my mother too did quite a good job earlier in my life. Compared to most I saw, that is.

It can be particularly hard to conclude a parent hates you. The evidence, in my case, points to some kind of dislike. There will be displays of hatred on occasion, but then there will occasionally be displays of love. It's very confusing how someone can express dislike/hatred and completely neglect you for long periods of time, and then one day ask how you are, and say something like how much they love you and how gifted you are.

The relationship factor complicates everything, because my mother never really wants to know and I never really want to discuss it. When someone's squeamish and prudish about me in relation to such things, it makes me feel unclean and reluctant to raise the subject with them.

She seems to be similar, but less odd about it. Only one of my brothers has had a relationship, and in many ways she didn't like it. Also, there's always this resistance to outsiders coming into the house, even close relatives. With my brother, there was some squeamishness about the relationship, but nowhere near the level it was with me. I do know that he now conducts his affairs very secretively as a result of her general attitude towards his dates or girlfriend.

I was wondering if quite a lot of AS women have had problems with parents, especially mothers; in fact, I was thinking of starting a thread about it at some point. The reason being that it seems to be that quite a few women on Wrong Planet have mentioned stories about difficult family relationships, sometimes abuse, and often some kind of abandonment by a parent or family member. (I would be curious to know how common this is). I guess I´m really quite lucky in that my parents are quite caring. My biggest problems have been just sometimes that I felt they didn´t really "know" me or understand me, or sometimes when I was younger, I didn´t know what they wanted from me and thought they were being unfair. (However, I´m sure these kinds of thoughts are common anyway). All in all, I realize I´ve been lucky.

^ good idea.
My relationship with my mother now is excellent.
Growing up, it was hell.
I am fairly certain my mother has AS. SHe says of herself, "i have MANY traits."

growing up, it was all about her, her meltdowns, her resentment of us, her violence and her verbal abuses.
But then, she had 8 kids to bring up, on her own, and if she had many traits or an ASD and no friends......well...her life was hard.

Once her kids left home and she actually found a solitary routine to live with, that suited her, she became a different person.


She is not emotionally expressive. SHe is analytical, intellectual and very routined. i like her a lot now.

oops...sorry for the heavy on Bold... I don't think it's subconscious symbolism...just me in a hurry!!?!

Okay, I will definitely start that thread at some point...but not yet- (I am very busy at work at the moment, so can only keep up with a few threads right now). Maybe in about 2 weeks time, when things calm down.

I had another few questions I wanted to ask, relating to this thread.

Here is the next question: did any of you read lots of books about relationships (or dating, etc.) in an attempt to intellectually figure out what was going on? If so, was it many, or few books? Did any of you actually study it, as a special interest? Did any of your reading actually help, or did it hinder you- (i.e., feeling overwhelmed, or realizing you didn´t have certain social "skills", or feeling intimidated by the fact that the unseen social world is incredibly complex).-?

I have a confession to make: not only did I read things based for women, but I also tried to get into "men´s culture" and read men´s magazines, books and online programs for men- (how to pick up women, etc.) I still get some of these in my e-mail- (I have an androgynous sounding e-mail address, so I could apply, pretending I was a man). I did this because, due to years of having these apparent empathy problems with men in relationships and experiencing their grief at my not being able to read their minds, I thought there was something I just wasn´t "getting" about men, which other women seemed to understand. I read all this stuff written by men, about male culture, in an attempt to get into the mindset of men so I could understand them better and possibly relate to them better. (But it just made me depressed!) Did anyone else do that???? (or is it just me? )

I've read body language books in an attempt to get better social skills overall, and I read 'The Game' (a guide for 'pickup artists') so I would have more of an idea what was going on in relationships and could get a clearer idea about what kind of behaviour was genuine.

I don't recall reading a book specifically about relationships. However, in my early twenties I would study them in films and on TV. I wouldn't go out of my way to do this, but would find myself obsessing over making sense of them. I assumed they were like real life. I found it extremely confusing.

I was exposed to men's mags. etc. through my brothers and cousins. They taught me some unpleasant things.

^ Yes they can help, but I used to honestly think the movies etc. were an accurate portrayal of real-life relationships.