How is it like being a girl with [More girls less boys pls]

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The best relationship I ever had was with an AS man. It wasn't all roses - he dislikes being touched more than I do, for example. What it was, was clean: there was no worrying about subtexts and hidden meanings. No worrying about being lied to. No constant meaningless chatter. Even though we're not bf/gf anymore, I still like being around him. It's peaceful.

Tales, I want to say that you're doing a super job of "moderating" this discussion. You should be a talk show host

But I also want to extend a slight caution to you ... don't generalize too much about aspie women from these responses. Not that they aren't legitimate responses ... of course they are. But the sample size is very limited. I'm just saying be cautious about applying what is said here to all aspie women.

Ok, that said, I'll give my two cents.

First, I'm somewhat older than most of the responders so far. I was in a long-standing marriage (though no longer), and have two daughters in college. My perspective is based on those factors.

My AS symptoms have improved markedly as I've aged. I am still an aspie, of course, but I have over the years managed to figure out how to function acceptably in most social situations. No one in my current circle of friends and aquaintances even knows about my AS. Social functioning is a skill like any other. It can be learned. That's not to say it will ever be as effortless for us as for NT people, but it doesn't have to be a ball and chain, either.

This may sound funny, but the best "coaches" I've ever had have been my children. From the time they were very little, they have helped me to understand what was going on with people around me. They grew up doing this. It was second nature to them. They were very perceptive about people and they would take me aside to whisper, "Mom, he means such-and-such." Or they would explain jokes to me. Or they would help me understand something we saw on TV. Or whatever.

As you might guess, I am eternally in debt to those two wonderful girls for helping me so much. I don't need their help as much now as I did then, but they still do it from time to time. And yes, I "get" the irony of the kids teaching the mom about life.

As far as dealing with men and sex is concerned, that was different, because kids can't help there. Being an aspie girl in high school and college can be a nightmare. I think I'm lucky in that it seems to me that boys and young men are quicker to seize upon an advantage now. Perhaps I'm wrong, but that's my perception. Even so, I was taken advantage of sexually more than once during those years.

But that too gets better with age. I'm fairly active sexually now, and I enjoy sex a lot. I think that my overall improved level of understanding about people in general carries over to male-female relations. It's unusual for men, or anyone, to put something over on me now.

I could probably write a book about this, but I'll mercifully put a lid on it now. Great topic!

Speaking of kids, I have a new niece and whenever I get to hang out with her I notice my aspie-ness markedly decreasing. To my surprise, I've been meeting people's eyes more and have been much more tolerant of social bs than in the past. I suspect that holding her must kick-start my oxytocin receptors, or producers, or something. The effect seems to last a couple of days each time.

Really? In what way? CaroleTucson

My husband is NT. He's very gentle, almost feminine, and very easy going and nonjudgemental, which is why our marriage works I think. Generally I've got on well with NT men (to the extent it pisses off NT women), although I've been the subject of unwanted attention, particularly when in my 20s - maybe my body language was saying something it shouldn't?

I've got a male friend who I believe is undiagnosed AS. Mostly we get on fine and there's a real connection. We agree on a lot of things, which helps. Occasionally it all flares up, and he gets angry and I get overemotional and tearful. Things are tense for a couple of days, then it all settles down. He often behaves in the same way to NTs and then is all hurt and surprised when it can't be fixed.

Actually, I didn't get along with boys too well (I thought it was quite funny to play pranks on them and poke fun at them, lol) but had mostly girl friends. I did a couple male friends though, cause they shared my interests in collecting bugs and playing with toy dinosaurs I had a good childhood in that my parents got me involved in a lot of social stuff, so I coped extremely well. I didn't even feel too out of place. But looking back I can see the aspie differences. I just got diagnosed a couple months or so ago at 19 years old. (Someone suspected it when I was about 12, though.)



Not everyone's, but I think many are geared that way. I would say my big interests are fairly gender-neutral. I'm interested in sciences, but ones that are more common for girls to be interested in (such as biology, I have trouble with the math-oriented ones). I'm also interested in neuroscience, philosophy, and have always been interested in animals.



I would say so. But it's hard for me to think of what would be a 'girl' interest, lol. Something like baking or gardening is more of an activity, and most aspie interests involve collecting information rather than an activity (or lean toward collecting. I do kind of girly stuff, for instance I'm making a scrapbook right now.



I guess not shallow is what you're trying to say. I can't speak for everyone, but I wouldn't call myself shallow. I've only met a couple guys who I'm pretty sure were aspie, and I liked them both. I can't say I've met one for sure so I'm not sure how I'd feel about an aspie guy.

though I am not really into 'girly stuff' (with the exception of stuffed animals and My Little Pony LOL), I got along much better with girls than with guys. I got a long with a FEW girls. I got along with precisely 0 guys.

Um.. no "connection," really. The one I met is younger and just..no. No. I.. no.
I have a lot in common with him though. At least there isn't any need to fake a conversation. Additionally, he tends to bring up really random and awesome youtube videos and stuff so he's funny. I like him though. He's all right.
My boyfriends little brother.

I was diagnosed as a shy girl all through school and never really had friends. However I can tick every box on the aspergers tests, and its blatantly obvious that something isn't right. Nobody ever picked up that there were deeper issues than simply being shy.

Always felt out of place and was verbally bullied by the other girls. Looking back now, I think that because I was so quiet and didn't interact, they couldn't suss me out and took me as a threat. Being a smart and a bookworm at school is also not socially acceptable.

I was so happy when I finished school. I was able to go to uni (college) and study what I wanted, without having to deal with shallow minded social stuff.


I don't get along with the girls at work - I force a smile and say Hi, but thats it. We have nothing in common, and I think they know I'm a bit different and avoid me. I work in IT, and have my own office that I hide in. I can talk to NT guys providing they keep the conversation going and its about something I have an interest in (cars, IT, tech etc)

Found a bf via internet, before online dating became flooded with people. He is NT, but has aspie type interests and prefers to be home working on his hobbies rather than out socialising. He is very tolerant of my lack of social skills, lack of emotions and expression, anxiety and reluctance to leave the house. He has taught me to accept physical contact (I love hugs) but I can't stand being touched at all by anyone else, and have a large personal space requirement. I still can't believe my luck in that the first guy I meet up with turns out to be the right one. We have been together for 10 years now.

Congratulations on the ten years!

Self diagnosed - after taking a quiz evaluating my daughter who's quirks are more pronounced. I always say I was the son my father never had.

I was closer to my brother than my four other sisters. I played with cars, horses or animals. Which I find odd because my father is a builder and knows engineering it seems we would have had linking logs or an erector set.

My mother was an artist and I just started doing that and became good although I would have liked to build things but my dad's shop always seemed off limits and both my parents had no patience so I simply did not ask them for help or to teach me anything.

I played some sports but was never as good as my siblings, who always were starters.

I hated being a girl until I was in college. Girls can dress however they want and can be emotional in public and it is acceptable. Until high school, always had fun with boys but was harassed because I didn't act dumb around them like the other girls. It was always three that would try to gang up on me.

High school had its cliques even the small school I went to. My sister thought I was gay because I didn't date in high school. I just didn't want to waste my time with guys who were sexually ignorant. I had acquaintances but I would not call them friends. I hold the friend label to those who know me and accept me and my differences.

I went to college and had no girl friends but I had about three guy friends which now I know they weren't really friends they just didn't know how to make a move on me. After watching "When Harry Met Sally" I always consider that being true. So I never build a friendship with the opposite sex because I don't want to give them the false impression that I have an interest in them other than platonic. How many guys continue a women's friendship outside of work that they prefer it remain platonic? I'm not talking in-laws that is another dynamic but than I have had married men take an interest in me as well.

I could only relate to women after I had children then the conversations were easy. I had a very understanding coworker that helped me with make-up and appearance. I could not understand somethings with her though, like she would not wear comfortable shoes but complain about how her feet hurt. She would complain that she was cold but not wear long underwear and get sick all the time. I was always happy with my doc martins and my thermals. She was very charming and could easily blend in but I could not figure out why she always liked guys that looked like complete dufusses. Like take the movie "Pay it Forward". I would be attracted to the Kevin Spacey character (before that ridiculous crying scene) and She would like the Bon Jovi character even though knowing he was an alcoholic. We would laugh about that but I know now why women like guys like that because they feel less threatening and there is nothing to figure out. I still don't know how to relate sometimes. At my last job I was very honest in my displeasure at the lack of quality control and was laid-off the next day. I can't seem to remain silent when problems can be solved and efficiency achieved which can only benefit all involved. My job before that I had for many years and was trusted to work independently. After 6 months I modified my machines for more accuracy and arranged my area to my liking.

As for sex I enjoy it. I am not too touch sensitive, except for my stomach. I guess I prefer nuzzling to cuddling. I do not initiate hugs but do not shun them either. When passing others, I don't say hello but smile if there is eye contact. I have gotten smiles and greetings back and also no response. I don't mind the phone but hate trying to leave a machine message. I want to help others and no one should have to apologize the fact that they are resourceful and others are not.

People expect me to be thin, with no muscles, hips or stomach. I'm glad that I'm big and healthy, like Mick Avory has been for most of his life. More of me to love.

Good post. Thanks for asking this Tales.

I know this thread stopped 2 years ago, but I felt it would be interesting to still hear from more female aspies on their perspectives - other than WP blogger Kirsten Lindsmith.


Cheers,
skribble

Well I'm rather mild on the spectrum. Lets see, well when I was a kid, I was selectively mute through the major developmental times of my childhood so I was pretty much a loner, never talked to anyone, no friends, kids thought I was weird, etc. My social development really lagged behind as a result of that. I went mute when I got sent to an all girls school in 3rd grade(figures). If I would have never went mute, I dont think I would have been diagnosed.

I got diagnosed at 18, went off to college. My social skills really improved, but having friends and plenty of social exposure. I can say, I'm somewhat girly but in comparison to most girls, I'm really not. I like some of the same things but with girls bonding is not primarily interest driven, unlike guys. Its emotional driven. I don't really connect with other females in ways that other women bond. Other women tend to think I have a bad attitude. I get along slightly better with males. I enjoy all the joking around, I dont like playing nice a whole lot.

Coping with life in general I would guess is much the same. I didn't realise for a long time but I used to use nature, water, animals, books, dancing, drawing or processing information to calm myself. If I couldn't be around those things or didn't have access to them (especially while travelling) then I would start to spiral. They decided to test my IQ after my guardians realised I was a bit different. It came out on the higher end of the scale so they put my differences down to that.

By the time I was 13 I was picking apart every social interaction in my mind and studying it so I could learn how to do it. I was extremely shy as a kid, it got so bad in high school that for 2 years I didn't speak to anyone except my 3 friends at school. Everybody else literally thought I was an elective mute but since I moved to another country at the same time that started, I think they also assumed I couldn't speak English well or at all (which was true in the beginning). Public speeches were completely out of the question, I have never been able to make one in my life.

I was "conditioned" to interact with others but it was always horribly uncomfortable and I would often screw it up, especially when I was younger. I noticed that I have kind of a "6th sense" about social situations, that is, while I could not understand the interactions or why most of the time, I could still feel the "emotional undercurrents" in a room or in a group of people, and it used to make me feel like I was going crazy because I didn't understand it.

By the time I was 18 - 19 I had learned most of the rules of the new culture I was living in. I often had a delayed reaction which I would anticipate and act until my reaction actually kicked in. I've gotten to the point that I manage to fool most people into thinking I'm just very smart and extremely shy, only those who have lived with me know the truth, that I am different.

I don't mind NT girls but I am very selective about which ones I make friends with. I enjoy their company, and although we usually have different interests there are at least a couple that are the same. Much of my intellectual interests are very male oriented, but outside of my intellectual interests there are quite a few things I still have in common with them. For that reason I have an even balance of male and female friends, but most of my friends are few but very good friends.

I didn't really play with boys or girls in my childhood, mainly by myself. I liked being alone.

I discovered two "gifts" if you can call them that, dancing I have grown up doing and just have a natural talent for so I choose to pursue it as my passion. The other I discovered when I was 19 on a trip to Cambodia and I'm going to turn it into my career.

I don't think one gender has it "worse" than another, just that they're different. A male is more likely to be diagnosed, while most girls will more than likely go suffer and through their like never knowing what is wrong with them or being misdiagnosed (because most of the data and studies have been done on males so far, so diagnoses for women can be more difficult because of that).

Most girls will be more heavily "conditioned" by society to conform. They can learn to copy to an extent, and shyness is also more acceptable in girls. I think that coupled with the fact that only males have been used in studies means girls can blend more easily.

Girls often get competitive with each other and that can cause a lot of psychological damage. To be excluded or to be the joke of a social circle of women can be extremely painful, particularly in high school or college. Sometimes that is more painful than physical bullying. I could have dealt with physical bullying better than all the psychological bullying. Also, if t was physical, I would have been able to fight back.

Sexually it just depends on the girl. Some of us can end up viewing touch as painful and for others our sense of touch is heightened just enough to make it feel amazing and highly addictive. Mine is the later. Personally, my sex drive, sense of touch and other things are heightened because of it, and I have a preference for very masculine men. But for some girls, I think it's the opposite.

I have been in one abusive relationship (and he cheated on me too) before, and I think sometimes us Apsies forget that some people feel the need to abuse or mistreat others in order to feel good about themselves, particularly when we want to think the best of the person. So in that sense, yes, it is easier for us to be cheated on or end up in an abusive relationship and that sort of thing.

I have never been rejected by a guy I liked, but I also rarely like a guy. Being physically attracted to a guy is rare for me, and being attracted to a guy as a person I would want to have a relationship with is also rare. The two don't usually combine in the the same person (except for one exception so far). Thankfully I haven't been rejected yet, and I'm not looking forward to it when it does happen.

Teenage years were hell, there is no other way to describe it. I got very depressed but my temper was also horrible. It was psychological hell handed to me on a platter while adults were telling me "this is the best time of your life!". Shipping a kid off to another country where they don't know anyone and can't speak the language and don't know the culture and never wanted to move in the first place is hell for an Aspie.

We can understand guys better to an extent… but it is only to an extent. When you level that out with the fact that we are worse interacting.. it cancels out that advantage.

Some of us can see through NT guys especially f we aren't interested in them, but if we want to believe something well, I guess we can be like anyone in that regard. These days I call them out of their crap (nicely).

I haven't met a guy with AS, only one I suspect is. I get on well with him, some things are shared. I do know one lady with AS and she is absolutely awesome, the thought process is very similar.

I think I'm better off than most Aspies because I studied social interactions from 13 or before and because I majored in Psychology. I'm better at "acting" the normal role, even though it's not comfortable for me. I'm still shy but I have manners and if someone starts talking to me I can hold a conversion. For that reason, I appear to lead a normal life (sort of). People who are close to me just put the difference down to my intelligence or that I'm a foreigner usually. I prefer to let them think that for the most part.

I was a bit of a tomboy but I just found other tomboys to play with. I also played a lot with boys before they got their hormones and I became an alien. To me, boys have much, much better toys. Girl toys herd girls into being good and sexy (and insecure) wives. UGH! (I mean I liked being a wife and mother, I like sex with men. I like being a woman but not on these terms.)

NT girls are catty. Girls are more clever than boys, in general, then you add gossip and all that prissy, judgy crap and it's miserable for someone like me.

Here's an interesting blog about a study that was done about what is different about aspie girls and why so many don't get identified as children.

http://sfari.org/news-and-opinion/blog/masked-emotions

"The researchers turned up some interesting results, in particular the paradoxical finding that though the women show fewer symptoms of autism on gold standard diagnostic tests, they self-report more symptoms than the men do."

But isn't everything skewed towards men? Take heart attacks, for instance. Women going to the hospital with heart attacks used to die because treatment was delayed too long because doctors mistakenly thought only men got heart attacks. (This is badly stated. I apologize. I'm in a lot of pain this morning. I hope my meaning is discernible.)

Wow, thanks for sharing!

Kjas and Unduki

That was enlightening (as with the others who shared 1 or 2 years back).


Cheers,
skribble