Anyone Here Want Kids or Trying to Conceive?

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SailorMoon: I may never have said ideal circumstances. Despite what you think, I am thinking of my child. I'm thinking how old they will be when they have to face their mother passing away. I'm thinking about how mom won't have as much energy when she's older and they are younger as she does now. I'm thinking about how likely it is he/she can have siblings. I'm thinking about what's a good ratio between time being mom's only, and having a sibling, and possibly another. I'm thinking about my kids getting to know their only remaining great-grandparent (though not left alone with her). I'm thinking about them having a relationship with their grandparents before they pass away, because one already has. I'm thinking about things that are on a timeline, and once it's gone can't be fixed.

As a woman who was raised in an emotionally and physically abusive household -- you also cannot fix a child who has suffered in that environment. No matter what you say, it will never justify your want to bring a child into an unsafe and unsure situation.

I'm sorry, but I had to LOL at this. You're 25, not 45. You're actually still considered quite young to be a mother.

I'm also going to have to agree with SailorMoon that you are not thinking properly about your situation...your brain is stuck in this "I need a baby" mode, but you aren't thinking rationally about the consequences. You and your husband live with your abusive grandmother? GET OUT BEFORE YOU GET PREGNANT. Time moves much more quickly that you expect when you're pregnant. Getting out on your own takes time. You have to find an appropriate place, move into it, organize it. Plus, once you have a baby, your entire life will get much, much harder. Make the huge changes like becoming financially stable and independent first. Of course I'm not saying that you need to have a fortune or anything, but if you can't live independently before having a kid, you're going to have a bad time. You're not working right? Babies are expensive. Very expensive--even when you're a savvy shopper. Can your combined income (your disability/unemployment/whatever you're getting plus your husband's income) cover the two of you alone? It had better be able to if you want to add another person into the mix.

Even more important is being emotionally stable before having a kid. And frankly, you don't sound emotionally stable. You actually sound like being pregnant/having a baby is your special interest right now. That. Is. Dangerous. For you, your husband, and your child. Being pregnant and giving birth seriously mess with your mind. Seriously. There are physical changes in a mother's brain. You need to be in a place where you can care for yourself before caring for a baby. Your mental and emotional health are of utmost importance. Just like on an airplane, you need to put your own oxygen mask on before you put on your child's. If you're passed out, how can you help her? Whether it's a safe and loving environment and/or medications (which you may not be able to use during pregnancy, so get stable before pregnant!), get it now. And health insurance! How do you expect to get proper prenatal care? Are you planning to get into serious debt and hope it will go away? It costs into the 10's of thousands to have a baby without insurance...and that's just for a normal birth. That doesn't include prenatal care, and the cost of a c-section birth is significantly higher. What about after the child is born? She will need insurance too if she gets sick, or when she needs immunizations, or if there's an accident.

Out of concern for the life you want so desperately to bring into the world, please wait. You have about 10 years before you need to start worrying about your age, but you need to worry about your potential baby's health, safety and well-being right now. Yes, having a baby is wonderful. Yes, he will be the light of your life. But don't bring him into darkness hoping that he'll be your savior.

I know none of us knows you, but based on what you have chosen to share with us, it is glaringly obvious that you should put your obsession with pregnancy on hold until you get your affairs in order. Please consider listening to outsiders who have a more objective view, rather than a view based purely on emotions and selfish desire.

I had my first child at 35 years old. My second at 39. You sound too desperate to have this child. Every person I know who had a baby in desperation wound up even unhappier afterward. Think it through carefully and make sure the conditions are conducive to a healthy home environment for the baby.

I am also concerned that you are not under any sort of mental health care at all. A mother has to be in a healthy place mentally before she should raise a child. It seems you have this warped sense of reality that others are trying to point out to you, but you are refusing to accept. Why don't you want what would be best for you and your baby? Why wouldn't you just wait?

I thought she is already pregnant. I thought the photo showed a positive pregnancy result. Maybe I was wrong and she was showing something else? She has to move out of her home, which apparently is emotionally abusive.

I didn't see any positive tests in the photos she has shown. She even admits that she isn't getting positive pregnancy tests, just positive ovulation tests, which aren't the same thing at all. I think she's convinced herself that she is pregnant due to the obsession alone.

Sailormoon: NOT positive ovulation tests. Darkish ovulation tests. Which I shouldn't be getting so late after ovulation, and not consistently at all. Ovulation tests are not positive until the lines are the same darkness. But they do show lower amounts which is the point of taking them. It's not a test for me, but a monitoring system.

Mikassyna: I'm a week late for my period. That I know. I might have gotten actual lines today, not sure. I listed my symptoms up above, so forgive me for not posting them all again. And as I've said before, I do plan to get out of here.

Gretchyn: When people tell me to quit thinking I'm so old, they say age is just a number. In my case, I'm a 30-35 year old stuck in a 24 year-olds body. Also, you don't know my circumstances or life, none of you do, and cannot judge on so little. I am articulate, but I screw up when explaining things sometimes. I do believe I can get out of this place... but I doubt very seriously I'll ever qualify for all the "shoulds" that "should" be done before pregnancy. I'm doing the best I can, and I want a little one to help complete our small family and see grow up. That's not so horrible.

I'm sorry, but the fact that you responded to the most trivial and unimportant part of my post is one more nail in the coffin. Yes, it is horrible. You are being willfully ignorant and incredibly selfish. No one said your life has to be perfect, but you MUST meet the essential "shoulds" before you purposefully bring another life--that person's OWN life, not yours, you might do well to remember--into being. Everything you've said shows that you have not met the minimum requirements (other than having a female reproductive system and access to a male's). I truly hope that you're not pregnant. If you were really "a 30-35 year old stuck in a 24 year-old's body," you would see how dangerously irresponsible you're being.

You are right. We don't know the circumstances of your life. But, we do know what you have posted about so far, and what you've said. I will recap:

1. You live in an abusive household that feels threatening to you and you have no where else to go. You may have PLANS to TRY and go somewhere else, but for right now, you live in an abusive, unhealthy household.

2. You don't have any health insurance and are not under the care of a doctor. You also do not have the finances to seek out care. This means that you will not have access to prenatal care or postnatal care or a way to pay for hospital bills. That, or you are okay with building up a crippling debt that will forever loom over you and your family.

3. You think that 25 years old (or older) is too old to have a child, regardless of how old you think you are in your mind. Which, and I am sorry to say, I cannot agree with because your behaviors right now suggest that you are thinking more along the lines of an impulsive teenager and not a responsible adult. Maybe this can be attributed to our diagnoses...which would only strengthen my opinion that you should be under some sort of behavioral health care to get yourself straightened out before you try to raise another human being.

Those are three items that I can judge you by, and I think they are very fair things to judge. Unless you've been lying to us, and this isn't your life at all? When I am a doctor one day, if I knew that a child was being brought up in this sort of environment, I would probably have to report them to DHS (Department of Human Services). It is not the environment for a child to grow up in. Period.

Gretchen: Forgive me, my husband was needing my attention, so I was trying to reply quickly so I could attend to him. Also, I don't like restating myself. I already told Sailormoon that I have no intention of being here when the child is born. I've moved before, and it really doesn't take as much as you say. Not for me anyways. Give me a week and I could be out of here and living elsewhere. We get by well enough, and it's not like I haven't heard the "expensive" argument before. I've talked all this over with my husband, and we do have a plan. Of which I'm not obligated to go into depth about.

Having a baby is not a "special interest' in the least. It's a lifelong desire. And I can't believe that you would compare a child to an item or topic that is able to be obsessed over. I would never view a child as such. Having a child is the uptmost highest priority a person could have, which is, no matter how you look at it, NOT selfish. There is NOTHING selfish about bringing a child nto the world. Not if you've thought about it as much as I have, anyways. There's nothing selfish about choosing to give up your life for another. There's nothing selfish about choosing to impart your time into another's life to give them all your attention. Nothing in the description of being a "mother" is selfish. And yet, almost always, unless the child is an accident, the reasons listed for why to have a child are, in essence, selfish.

If 16 year olds can have a child and raise it just fine, so can I. So my child didn't come about "by accident", they are a child that is desprately wanted. That's a lot more than a lot of children can say. Maybe I'm not "normal" (ok, so I'm not) and I think differently, but I have a loving husband that does support me, and is ready for this, and I have every right to have a child as well. This child of mine is not my savior, but my child. Of whom I'm already deep in love with.

SailorMoon: There are more ways then being threatening to be abusive. I feel like my grandmother does not treat me with human respect. She says things that just are not acceptable. Were I neurotypical, then maybe the stuff she says would be deserved and not so bad. But I am autistic, and the things she says "I will not live with someone who is autisitc" (quote not exact but context crystal clear) are, quite frankly, emotionally abusive and no one should have to hear. And for the millionth time, I will not be here when the child is born.

Nor do a large percentage of Americans because the medical field charges an arm and a leg for everything, and "insurance" that "lowers cost" has premiums, deductibles, co-pays and all kinds of other fees that really aren't all that "affordable" when all is said and done either. Healthcare should not cost so much, given that it's quite essential for life. That being said, I will be sure to get some form of prenatal, and post natal care. Though I do not plan to give birth in a hospital because I just dont' think that's a good place to give birth at.

I do not think that 25 is too old to have a child. If someone else wants to wait, that's fine for them. I think that 25 is too old for me to be to have my FIRST child. Every human is different, some never want children- I don't judge them. Others WANT to have kids- and HAVE them- at 17. Not what I would choose for my life, but they exist. For me, I wanted to have my first child by 25. That isn't going to happen, but I can have my child WHILE 25. I have no intention of being an old first-time mom.

Furthermore, as far as getting help. I've tried. There are precious few resources for an adult on the spectrum around here. I was turned away because of my age alone more times than not.

Well, you're obviously delusional, so good luck with that. I'll restate that I seriously hope you don't get pregnant until you mature and take reality into consideration.

I wasn't aware of just how blinded she is by her own, selfish wants. I feel so sorry for her.

I had my first child at 28 and was told that a 28 year old uterus is "still young." You have time.

Trust me when I tell you that when you hold your baby in your arms for the first time, you will want to give him or her everything. As your children grow, everything that hurts them hurts you. It hurts you to see them suffer, and then it hurts doubly because you feel like you should have shielded them from the pain. Now is a good time to consider what you can do to better your and your child's life before he or she is born and begin taking steps in that direction.

ETA: Oh, boy. It looks like we have a catfish on the boards.

Which user are you referring to?

This is a support forum,
While dissenting ideas are more than welcome please try to avoid making a member feel threatened/mobbed/whatever.


I understand her situation might not seem rational to most of you but making her explain herself in every other post is a bit too much