Is it common for women with AS to get taken advantage of?

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05 Jan 2016, 7:56 pm

Peacesells wrote:

I don't rant on L&D about how women have it easier at dating but her comment still annoyed me, I am not responsible for what other guys say or do.

I didn't think it implied that all autistic men are responsible for the behavior of a few. It's one of those things where if it doesn't apply to you, it's not about you.

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05 Jan 2016, 8:11 pm

Peacesells wrote:

androbot01 wrote:

I think you are right. And rejection sucks too. It just seems that whenever women try to share their experiences, a man has to drop in to tell us how much worse he has it.

Actually it was wilburforce who distorted the conversation into a pissing contest about who has it worse, the discussion was in-topic before her post.

I have felt marginalized in L&D, so I understand where she is coming from. And I don't think that took it off topic. Even Spiderpig's argument that it is better to be taken advantage of then ignored is not off topic, I suppose. It just seems an odd direction for such a thread to take.
In general, I have found a lot of supportive men on this site. Especially in The Haven.

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05 Jan 2016, 8:25 pm

dianthus wrote:

Peacesells wrote:

I don't rant on L&D about how women have it easier at dating but her comment still annoyed me, I am not responsible for what other guys say or do.

I didn't think it implied that all autistic men are responsible for the behavior of a few. It's one of those things where if it doesn't apply to you, it's not about you.

Maybe she didn't mean it, but to me it really sounded like she was gratuitously minimizing the problems of guys who can't get a date. Surely her vehemence didn't help.
Given that these guys are a minority, I'd say that it's better to address them personally when they are spotted saying something wrong instead of storming into a quiet thread that is not about it and making general statements about autistic dateless guys in a provokative tone, I think this will only piss off people. This is my advice.

Last edited by Peacesells on 05 Jan 2016, 8:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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05 Jan 2016, 8:39 pm

androbot01 wrote:

Peacesells wrote:

androbot01 wrote:

I think you are right. And rejection sucks too. It just seems that whenever women try to share their experiences, a man has to drop in to tell us how much worse he has it.

Actually it was wilburforce who distorted the conversation into a pissing contest about who has it worse, the discussion was in-topic before her post.

In L&D there are not so many misogynous guys as some people say.
Anyway I don't want to play the devil's advocate and his post was indeed off-topic and I think he shouldn't have written it, but it is my very personal opinion that Spiderpig meant that if some jerks find some attractive traits in you it's likely that you really have these traits and some other good guy might perceive them as well. So I believe he meant that said woman could still have hope for a healty relationship with a good person, whereas a guy like him, not having any attractive traits, doesn't have such a possibility. So yeah I think it's about a hope of happiness and companionship rather than the fact that being taken advantage of is better than being ignored. This is what I think he meant maybe, if it's not he can tell me.

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05 Jan 2016, 11:07 pm

Peacesells wrote:

Anyway I don't want to play the devil's advocate and his post was indeed off-topic and I think he shouldn't have written it, but it is my very personal opinion that Spiderpig meant that if some jerks find some attractive traits in you it's likely that you really have these traits and some other good guy might perceive them as well. So I believe he meant that said woman could still have hope for a healty relationship with a good person, whereas a guy like him, not having any attractive traits, doesn't have such a possibility. So yeah I think it's about a hope of happiness and companionship rather than the fact that being taken advantage of is better than being ignored. This is what I think he meant maybe, if it's not he can tell me.

Yeah I figured he meant something like that, but it just doesn't work that way.

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06 Jan 2016, 12:05 am

Yigeren wrote:

I've always wanted to learn martial arts so it's probably a good idea to start learning. I don't know if I'm too old to start but I don't think I'd have trouble learning it.

I'll have to take the time to look in my area for options again.

Well, I don't know what you mean by "older people" but I always was friends with those older than myself, even in high school. I never really got along with people my age. I don't know why. Now I just never go anywhere where I have the opportunity to talk to anyone.

Well, I was 29 the last time I set foot in a dojo, and I wasn't the oldest person there by a long shot. I have a hard time fitting it into my schedule, but after a month of attendance, I got the general idea behind it. My sister does Aikido, she actually gained an inch from all the stretching.

I couldn't remember any of the fancier moves, but having strong core muscles and good cardio goes a long way. Plus the throat is a universal "off" button if you hit it hard enough.

10 years ago, I associated with people my own age and all we accomplished was excessive drinking and spending, that was the grand prize for popularity. Nowadays a lot of my friends are in their 40s and 50s, and I spend a lot of time helping them with house projects. They're more stable and accommodating than my younger friends, I never feel like I wasted an entire evening.

I'm lucky because I have a school job and I spend time with a lot of people making a career change, pretty interesting group. I like it here at WP because you get to be yourself. I can say things here that I'd never say in public, I don't have to worry about social blunders following me for months.

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06 Jan 2016, 12:06 am

dianthus wrote:

Peacesells wrote:

Yeah I figured he meant something like that, but it just doesn't work that way.

I didn't say my personal opinion on the matter, I said what I think he had meant, since I thought that a mere "Spiderpigs thinks that being taken advantage of is better than being ignored" was unfair.

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06 Jan 2016, 1:09 pm

Peacesells wrote:

I can accept your interpretation regarding motive. And I get the frustration of guys unable to enter the dating scene. I can only imagine the pressure of a young man in this society to succeed in a number of ways.
I just have to disagree with your suggested premise that the traits which led to the harassment are necessarily attractive traits. What I mean by this is that harassers/abusers will often seek out vulnerable people. This is what attracts them - that they may be able to get away with acting out against the person. So being the victim of harassment/abuse is not a good sign. At least, that's been my experience with an abusive partner.

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06 Jan 2016, 1:59 pm

I can get the frustration, I don't get the resentment. It is wasted energy.

Also I don't think men's rights issues should be confused with dating issues or entitlement.

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06 Jan 2016, 2:34 pm

androbot01 wrote:

Peacesells wrote:

I didn't say that they are necessary attractive traits, I used the word likely which is different.
I agree that being vulnerable certainly makes you proner to being herassed and yes, often people are herassed by someone they don't even know so being not vulnerable won't stop some jerks.
Btw none thinks that being herassed is a good thing.

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06 Jan 2016, 3:41 pm

androbot01 wrote:

I just have to disagree with your suggested premise that the traits which led to the harassment are necessarily attractive traits. What I mean by this is that harassers/abusers will often seek out vulnerable people. This is what attracts them - that they may be able to get away with acting out against the person. So being the victim of harassment/abuse is not a good sign. At least, that's been my experience with an abusive partner.

Yes this is certainly true of some harassers and abusers. They seek out vulnerable people as targets, those who seem to have the weakest defenses or the least likelihood of fighting back. It can be because of personality traits or body language, but it can also be because of things like age or disability. Women in wheelchairs for instance are frequently targeted for street harassment.

It's also known that women who were sexually abused as children are more likely to be assaulted or abused later on as teenagers or adults. I remember Dr. Drew used to talk about this a lot on the TV show Loveline. Abusers pick up on something like body language or maybe a combination of subtle behaviors that result from having been abused as a child.

But most sexual harassment is not associated with any specific personal trait or characteristic, other than simply being female. Men who are perceived as feminine, homosexual or bisexual are also targeted for sexual harassment.

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06 Jan 2016, 4:38 pm

dianthus wrote:

But most sexual harassment is not associated with any specific personal trait or characteristic, other than simply being female. Men who are perceived as feminine, homosexual or bisexual are also targeted for sexual harassment.

Since you talk about men I can say that it happens to normal heterosexual guys too, and it is done by women as well.

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06 Jan 2016, 5:30 pm

Peacesells wrote:

dianthus wrote:

Since you talk about men I can say that it happens to normal heterosexual guys too, and it is done by women as well.

I'm aware of that. I said "most." Statistically it is more common to target females, or males perceived as having female characteristics.

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06 Jan 2016, 5:46 pm

dianthus wrote:

Peacesells wrote:

dianthus wrote:

Since you talk about men I can say that it happens to normal heterosexual guys too, and it is done by women as well.

I'm aware of that. I said "most." Statistically it is more common to target females, or males perceived as having female characteristics.

I agree on that.

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06 Jan 2016, 5:59 pm

MDD123 wrote:

Yigeren wrote:

I'm pretty physically fit so I'm sure I will pick up on it quickly. I'd like to build some good core muscles. I strength train about 3 days a week currently. I was doing 5 but I don't have the time at the moment.

I think I tend to get along pretty well with those in that age group, whenever I actually talk to people. I'm in my 30s and most my age have little kids and boring lives. They're in the parent stage and I got that over with rather young. I don't necessarily have tolerance for other people's kids. Especially since they don't seem to actually discipline them anymore.

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07 Jan 2016, 12:35 am

Yea, I'm at the point where I just do a little everyday, I run more than I used to though. I swing dumbbells into a kicking bag for core training. Its cheaper than a machine, and there's a lot of range and weights to explore from a standing (lazy) position. At this point, I have to make exercise interesting.

I know what you mean about other people's kids. I know how to deal with one of my nephews only because he hates those slimy halloween eyeballs, the others all annoy me in their own shrieking ways. In about 6 months, I'll be a dad too; I'm sort of bracing for it now.

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