Does anyone else HATE sex sometimes?

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I just wanted to jump and say this. I am not an aspie, so please don't be mad or think I'm just a weirdo who was lurking. I actually found this by accident.

I hate sex most of the time. I've been married for 18 years and have 3 children. I have not enjoyed sex since my first child was born. It takes too long and it's just not worth it. When it's been a while since we have, and I know we will have to soon, I dread it. I like my hubby, and I don't have any deep-seeded resentment. I just don't like it. Whoever said they count when they're kissing...lol...I count too. Also, I look at the clock, just to get an idea when it will be done.

I have a few friends who all report the same thing...and none of us are aspies. I think it's just very common, but no one wants to admit it. There are all these myths--tv makes it seem like every woman from 21 to 50 is horny all the time. But in real life, most of my friends--all 30-somethings--couldn't care less if they never did it again.

So, I just wanted you all to know that it's not limited to your uniqueness. I think it's pretty much the way it is with a lot of people.

I don't care for it. I don't like the awkwardness of sex and the after awkwardness with sex but it might change with a different person. and I'm always afraid I can't perform well for the other person.

I would be disgusted and appalled if someone suggested that to me. If one partner can't enjoy it I think sex shouldn't be done, at least not things like piv sex which should be mutually enjoyable. I hate it and never do it, if a partner expected me to lay there with no enjoyment while they pumped away for me it would quickly lead to resentment and feeling like I was being used. If one partner wants an orgasm and the other isn't in the mood they should masturbate or maybe a caring partner might masturbate them if they felt like it.

I don't hate sex, quite the contrary. I need physical intimacy, from hugs to kisses and yes, I like sex. However, penetration is sometimes uncomfortable for me due to sensory issues.

Can't say how much I hate it. My hub does not understand. I just try to go somewhere else in my mind and endure it for as long as I can b/c I know if he goes I will be alone.

Touch and smell are too much for me. Also, I carry a grudge for centuries and my anger gets in the way.

It doesn't interest me much and I resent it. In fact when it keeps being shoved in my face like "We need to find ways to make you enjoy is" or "You are not with the right guy" or "You just need to find the right guy" bla bla bla, the more I resent it and the more I lose interest in it. Maybe this is why I am a gray a.

Nope. Not a freak. The only thing I like about sex, is babies.

It's something I do to keep my husband happy.

I know how much that hurts him.

It makes me sad.

I don't like foreplay.

I don't like kissing.

I like hugs. I like to lean up against someone else, or cuddle my back up against their back. I like to hold hands. Sometimes.I like my head scratched.

I would just do without contact, but I can't do without companionship.

Maybe that will change as I get older.

Most of the time I don't want sex and sometimes I really want it. Damned birth control! Sex does keep the relationship alive and all but I feel like I'm just doing it for the sake of it. It's not fun when that happens. It's true, you can't just suddenly turn a woman on and expect her to be horny!

When I was on birth control pills, my sex drive went down. I'm not saying it's your case, but it was definitely mine.

This is a relatively long post. Just so you do not have to look, I am a male, and according to my tests, I test about 1/2 way between AS & NT on the tests that I have taken. According to the relative lengths of my 2nd & 4th finger (search 2D 4D digit ratio) I was exposed to less testosterone in the womb. There are a lot of ways that this can affect one, in my case it made me not so much less masculine, as more androgynous. I like to think of it as not suffering from testosterone poisoning.

Anyway, all these characteristics have made my what I am. Many years ago I was involved in a project that resulted in my meeting the woman with whom I have spend the last 25 or so years, and with whom I have a 20 year old son, You can see that project, which I am attempting to launch here: internetsocialregistry.com
It is not yet really live, but you can pretend to sign up so that you can explore it and comment. I am mentioning it, so that you will understand why I have spent a lot of time exploring all things male, female and in between.

The following is, as best as can be determined, information that can be verified, and not refuted.
It carries not moral connotations, nor is it meant to carry any values of right or wrong,. It is meant to be a description of the physical world

1. Nature can not be fooled.
2. We are the product of millions of years of evolution.
3. If something has been around for a long time, then it probably serves to enhance the survival of the species.
4. 3. is a statement of probabilities. Survival is a function of the environment, so if the environment changes, a characteristic that helped organisms survive may now be superfluous, or even harmful.
5. Nature is not wasteful. If something is present, then it does, or at least at one time did serve some purpose associated with enhanced survival of the species. This is what evolution is about.
6. A womans clitoris has about --- well let me quote from wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clitoris
The tip or glans of the clitoris alone has more than 8,000 sensory nerve endings, more than any other part of the human body.[7]
7. Nature is Not wasteful. If one can think of a reason for having all those nerve endings in the area where sexual intercourse takes place that has anything other than giving a women a very strong reason to engage in sexual intercourse, I am open to hearing that theory. Putting it another way, nature really wired women to really enjoy sex, probably more than a man. This makes sense since women who have more sex are likely to have more children. Women who do not like sex to the extent that they avoid it will not be likely to pass that trait onto their non existent offspring.

8. Nature has no standards, no goals. She just keeps rolling the genetic dice, and sometimes comes up snake-eyes. That is the genes combine to make something that dies, or can nor or will not reproduce.

9. Women were build to really really like sex. If you wish to see some evidence of this, then I suggest that you visit [link removed by hyperlexian. too adult for the women's forum]
I realize that the stories there are entirely from females who have self selected, but I still think that they are an accurate indication of womens sexuality, and their enjoyment of that sexuality.

Now, having laid out these points of verifiable information I think that one can conclude the following:

From the standpoint of reproduction, nature can make errors. That is, organisms that are not likely to reproduce. Those organisms can be asexual, homosexual, genetic errors, such as an XY in a womans body. This link is to a photo of men. Yep, every one of the persons in this photo are genetically XY.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Orchids01.JPG. They have a condition called androgen insensitivity. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Orchids01.JPG

Further, peoples brains are set to enjoy different things, and to naturally be happier or not so happy. Again, nature rolls the dice.

At this point, it is clear that many people posting here are not only not following natures reproductive "plan" but that they are also unhappy. The fact that one is not following natures plan, like homosexuals, does not mean that one must be unhappy. The people in the photo seemed happy. Certainly some of them seemed to be smiling with their eyes which one can not fake.

I am not going to tell you how to "fix nature" That is, I am not about to tell you the equivalent of going from gay to straight. I am going to suggest some ideas about becoming happy with sex --- or at least happy without it.

So ... here are some things to consider.

1. Is there any chance that your mental attitude is not how nature made you but the result of how you were raised, or from abuse?

2. Did nature put you into the wrong kind of body? That is, do you think that you are a boy trapped in a boys body or visa versa?

3. Do you just not like your body? Again do you think that this is how nature made you or was your family seriously screwed up? There is, for example something called Apotemnophilia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apotemnophilia
a neurological disorder in which otherwise sane and rational individuals express a strong and specific desire for the amputation of a healthy limb or limbs.

I mention ther three items above as ways of possibly understanding the problem of ones unhappiness. There may be other possible causes of the situation. The point is, the if one does not accurately understand the cause of a problem, one is unlikely to fix it. Sometimes a professional can help finding the cause. If you are working or have worked with a professional, and did not get satisfactory results, then find another professional.

I can tell you from direct experience that getting a certificate of completion of course work from a medical institution does NOT guarantee competency.

Another suggestion. One can always choose to look on the behavior of another in relation to ones self in a negative way. If someone is so intent on "giving you pleasure" that they are no longer seeing you as a unique human, but as some sort of project, then is this really a problem? Why? Really, what does it mean to "be really seen as a unique human?" If someone is trying to make you happy, cut them some slack. If they bang your nose while kissing, do not think that it was a deliberate head butt, but an accident.

Some mention was made of bodily fluids, and contact in general being yucky. Why? It is possible that nature made an error in your wiring, but it is more likely that this attitude resulted from a household environment. If you want human contact and interaction, you will either have to find someone else with the same attitudes, --- possible but not easy --- and I need to add some questions to my question set addressing that --- or you will want to address the problem. My guess is that long term happiness will more likely result in re-learning to like bodily contact and body fluids, or to at least not find them discusting.

Well, that is it --- all 1200 words. I hope that some here found it useful

I haven't any official diagnosis as most of the others on this forum and stumbled into this thread by accident, but I still agree with the previous posting. I believe the Powers That Be, whoever that may be to each of us, created us as sensual, loving creatures that shouldn't feel ashamed, sickened, or grossed out by making love to someone we trust.

That being said, I too have a hard time having sex with anyone. It was one of the reasons why my marriage of seven years dissolved and my husband at the time actually asked if I would let him hire a callgirl to sleep with since he wasn't getting anything for me. As apalling as that sounds for a husband to ask a wife, at least he didn't sleep with hookers and then bring in all that nastiness back into our bedroom.

I believe this hard-wiring as Facto explains must've been messed up early early as a child. I have no proof, but I remember having an uncle who -really- liked little girls. I don't know if I was ever sexually abused, but something messed me up for the rest of my life. I hate sex. I dreaded it so badly I practically hyperventilate because as I'm kissed, I can see in every painful detail exactly how the movie plays out. Kissing, then foreplay, then the actual sex, and it seemed like once the movie started I was helplessly along for the ride.

Is it normal? No. I'm sure we all agree that while we're not alone with our thoughts, it just doesn't feel like the way we're reacting is how it was intended. I'm all for saving relationships by discovering what needs fixed, but at the same time I'm happy with my feelings. I'm happy knowing that I don't like sex, don't want it, and living perfectly happy by myself now with no regrets. So I suppose after this whole huge blob of words what I'm trying to say is none of us should be worried about fixing something if we're happy with the way it turned out. Don't ever let someone else tell you that just because Nature intended us to like sex and we don't, that somehow makes us misfits.

I come from a family 5'7' or taller and all have brown hair, brown eyes. I'm 5'4 and have fiery red hair. I have no intentions of spending money dying my hair or getting leg implants to fit in with how Nature made the rest of my family. I embrace my weirdness.

The following words may contain information that is just plain wrong. I failed god school

Nature rolls the dice. If she wired you to not like sex, that is ok. Not exactly a darwinian survival trait as you are not likely to pass this preference on to your children, so from that point of view it is an "error". That does not mean that you can not be happy. Sometimes an error is more difficult to handle, as in you are a hot woman but with a mans brain and you want to have sex with women, but as a man. Fortunately, we now posess the technology to sort of fix that, though I understand that it is easier if you have a mans body and want to be a woman.

The only thing that could be a problem is if you are not wired that way, but as you indicate, adults did inappropriate things with you, and your mind has adapted by taking its current positioin. Because wiring a person to not like sex is so rare and unlikely, I do suggest that you invest some time, and perhaps money (though you may find good free counseling at liberal Jewish, christian, unitarian, or quaker/friends churches --- the ministers do get some training in handling personal problems) talking this over with someone who is trained. I suggest this because your brain may just be faking it. It really is hard to tell. If your brain is faking it, then problems could arise later. Or not. And I would not suggest this exploration except that you stated

I have no proof, but I remember having an uncle who -really- liked little girls. I don't know if I was ever sexually abused, but something messed me up for the rest of my life. I hate sex.

It is seldom good to bury a problem rather than fix it.

One othe clue is: Do you like your body? Specificially what is your feeling about your female parts. If you think that they are yucky than I would suggest that may be evidence that your uncle, not nature, made you the way that you are. This is evidence that you are not in harmony with your core nature. On the other hand, if you like your female parts, or are indifferent to them, than perhaps you are just a freak (non perjorative statement) of nature.

Note ... many of the above statements may be wrong.

Hate hate hate tongue kissing ewww my heckles are up now lol! Don't like.sex much either and avoid as much as possible. Also dislike the soft touches or ANY touches lol!

well.. I do like touching when it's happening and when it's my bf doing it.. I enjoy the feeling and sometimes even ask for more. But the problem is. That almost right away when we're done, i go all off. I start feeling disgusted and sick, i might cry for hours because i feel dirty. And it's all about touching only with hands and fingers, sometimes just through pants or something.. No actual sex. Because my bf is so scared of traumatizing and hurting me and says he sees I'm not ready for it.. Kissing i don't like, it's somehow scary. But i like his quick pecks on my cheek or the corner of my mouth. But like, the real KISSING.. Eww.. It makes me feel sick...

No, I love sex. I Adooooooreeeee foreplay, it's just lovely. So romantic. I gets me really really aroused.
I can't have sex without foreplay.

If I hated it I wouldn't do it. If there is some aspect of it that just doesn't feel right at a particular time, I don't do that. I don't understand why so many women just put up with something they hate and pretend to like it (especially aspie women). I would hate to be the partner of someone who did that. It's unfair to both of you, and seems to rest on sexist assumptions (enjoying sex is for men, and women just need to put up with it whether they like it or not).

ETA: Actually, I can understand it and when I was younger I would have sex to please my partner, but at this point in my life I would never do that and I actually enjoy it much more and more frequently than when I had that attitude.