AS Women and Relationships

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This is exactly how I feel, you´ve put it perfectly!

In answer to outlier´s question- which sort of fits here: yes, I have been very attracted to some people and then repulsed by them, but that was genuinely due to some kind of behavior or act of rejection towards me, if I found it particularly brutal. So, again, it´s basically like what Hovis wrote, that my attraction would disappear into thin air if I discovered any meanness or something I didn´t like about the person. This is why I just can´t understand "instant attraction" based on looks, and I seem to be almost incapable of feeling it. I know, all too well, that the most beautiful person can look ugly if I don´t like them. Likewise, if I like someone´s personality a lot and as I get to know them, their face becomes familiar to me and I associate it with good feelings, I can feel totally attracted to someone who I barely noticed in the beginning. Another reason why I don´t like having to make "snap decisions" on whether or not I´m attracted to someone too soon...often, I really don´t know in the beginning! This is something that men don´t seem to understand, they want me to know instantly...

This reminds me of another point, which I was thinking about today which I wanted to bring up. I notice that I tend to be attracted to difference, or originality. I always thought that people were generally attracted to each other due to uniqueness, and even stories and movies often seem to confirm this idea. However, when I went out into life I slowly noticed that it was not this way. Most people seem to be attracted to sameness. Men seem to like the idea of the "perfect 10", and the qualities associated with it- mostly physical- are all the same. You often find many men attracted to the same woman. Even "beauty" lacks originality. I notice when I watch films from the 60´s and 70´s- back in the days before everyone was getting their teeth fixed- the actors and actresses were attractive, but due to some small "flaws", they were unique. I also notice that when I am really attracted to someone, I also seem to particularly like those personal characteristics that make them a little different. Maybe this has partly to do with the fact that I have trouble recognizing faces sometimes, so maybe I just prefer distinct characteristics. But, in essence, perfect beauty is boring.

Another point about this "sameness" idea: I notice that when a man is attracted to me, he tends to put on a role and act a part, as we´ve talked about, but he acts the same as all other men. The scripts are all the same- (that´s why I can recognize them now). I can tell which comments are probably the lies that are designed to get me to like him, but they have the opposite effect. I think that is another reason why it´s hard for me to feel attraction lately: it seems like all men are trying to be the same person, and I am bored! If they would just do away with the posing and image making, and just be more like themselves, it would work much better.

So...I really wonder if most people are attracted to the conventional? The normal? As soon as I show any of my differences, I think it works against me...

I have tried to respond to this topic several times lately; I keep losing my posts due to the really sporadic internet where I am at the moment, and then get frustrated and give up.

I would like to say that I really enjoy this thread and how honest and considerate the posters are - it's amazing to read such a thoughtful and insightful thread... especially one that I relate to so well!

I agree wholeheartedly with most of the statements in this thread, particularly those by Hovis and Morgana. Your last topic, about attraction, is really bang-on for me: I can find someone attractive in an impersonal way, but I have to get to know and like the personality to feel attracted. If the person does something, be it cruel or stupid or something just something inoffensive that irks me, I lose interest immediately. I've noticed this seems to be different with most of my NT friends... I think this is the "crush" phenomenon. My friends can be attracted to boys and men in a superficial way and seem to get really into it - they don't seem to grasp that I don't fancy strangers, or even people I don't know well. I'm very pleased to find there are others like me!! !

One thing I have noticed, but really only thought consciously about recently, is that although I must know and like someone fairly well to be attracted to them, I can meet someone and from a first impression decide that I will NEVER be attracted to them. This doesn't mean that they are in any way bad - often I come to like them very much but can tell from the first that I will never have a sexual interest in them. I have never broken this "rule" - although often I have wished I could, since I've known many men who would be wonderful boyfriends, but I just... am not interested! Frustrating.

millie: are you okay? Are you returning to the land of the living?

I hope you get better soon. We miss you here.

I´m sending you "good vibes"...

Me too! It is a relief, isn´t it!

Thanks for your Posts: I like reading your stuff too.

I refer to a lot of the actors that Hollywood deems to be attractive as 'store mannequins'. That's how they appear to me: you can see that everything's technically in the right place, but there's nothing to bring it to life; no spark of individualism. I have difficulty seeing what it is that's so special and draws so many of their fans in; what makes 'hot' Actor A really any different from Actors B, C or D.



This is a very interesting and noteworthy point. Although I certainly don't have true prosopagnosia, I also have some difficulty committing faces to memory and often have to meet people half a dozen times or more before I can recognize them without any doubt. I'm greatly helped, however, if something about their appearance/voice/etc. is quite distinctive. Am I also more inclined to be attracted to someone with a distinct characteristic simply because I remember them better for it..?

There was one man, for instance, who I was particularly attracted to years ago. Although he was certainly reasonably good-looking by most standards, I wouldn't have said he was really my 'type' physically. What made him noticeable to me, though, was that he was rather eccentric, and everything about him - his voice, his attitude - stood out as very, very different from all of the other men around him. He was simply extremely difficult to ignore when he was in the room, in a pleasant rather than an obnoxious way. He was a kind and friendly person in general, but it was his uniqueness that drew me to him.

thanks morgana. i am good now. been painting a lot the past two days.
I got sick with migraine and flu for days. vomiting. the whole bit. charming little sojourn - triggered by a radio interview i did in my country on my life and painting and Autism/AS. That was last tuesday and it takes so much out of me from sensory overload and loss of homebound routine that i always get sick and take days to recover. In bed for 4 days. frigging AS. gives me the s**ts sometimes how exhausting i find what others consider normal contact and life and a day in the city. (I was even driven up there as i cannot handle the traffic> i only drive in the country.)

Back on board. Fighting fit. ready for lots of painting this week.

it's interesting, Hovis. I have NEVER been interested in "standard hunk" good looking men. I like eccentricity, character, brains first and ALWAYS blue eyes. I have never been out with anone without blue eyes. this is true.
Now, what is interesting is that i have a real sense of having a half male an half female brain. I am also bisexual. What is fascinating to me is my attraction to women verges on the classic "bimbo" look. I like girls to have long hair, nice breasts, be slim and fit and feminine. I do not mind if their hair is brown or blonde.
I am also feminine tomboy. Goodness knows where it comes from, but that is just how it is. true sexist male living inside me.

millie, I agree - the hunk type does nothing for me at all. I must admit that even if they do have a more interesting look, I'm not attracted to very butch, masculine- looking men in general; I prefer the cutesy, 'pretty' type. I'm very fond of Japanese men, for instance, who are quite notorious for looking feminine. I suppose that what I am saying is that I prefer men who look somewhat more androgynous, and I wonder if this is because I feel more that way myself and so am seeking at least a visual reflection of it.

Yes, standard things never interested me for some reason. I'm often attracted to the bizarre.

I think we can guess the reason for them wanting that. Growing into attraction slowly is best for me too. But, as with your experiences, they just want to jump straight to dating and relationships; almost none want to try friendship first to see where things lead. The hormones are too strong!



That's very interesting; can you provide any example lines they say? I've certainly noticed very similar patterns in how they approach physical contact. They usually start by warming my hands as an excuse to hold them, then might progress to keeping me warm in other ways. The physical would follow quite a predictable pattern, which was beneficial in some ways. However, they were all very concerned about how they came across/performed and expressed these fears to me. They seemed to be trying to follow a script and were preoccupied with keeping their masculine identity intact. They didn't realise that deviating from it could be attractive.



I think they are more attracted to the conventional if they are themselves. Like often attracts like. Showing your differences to more conventional types can be off-putting to them. I'd keep my wackier side hidden (due to social anxiety) and still be too unusual for some, even if they were quite unique themselves. They'd display the familiar condescending attitude suggesting they thought eccentric or innocent = dim or damaged. Even the more unique men were mostly attracted to fit but regular females. Those who liked me most wanted someone who wouldn't be as threatening.

Those ridiculous articles one sees about 'What Women Really Want' are terribly intimidating to men with regards to how they should behave, just as much as being presented with images of stick-thin supermodels are intimidating to women regarding how they should look. I wonder how many are quite literally attempting to follow a script, because society has told them that this is what all women want to see, and this is what they'll have to behave like if they want any success?



I find most NT people in general very peculiar in how they love to insist how special and unique they are, and how, "Everybody's different!" then fall over themselves to make sure they look and behave exactly like everyone else, and ridicule/abuse/reject those who actually do come over as different.

Just the usual AS stuff...guys expecting me to be able to read them..

Also, misunderstanding them and getting things wrong...again, usual AS stuff. To cut a long story short, I once thought someone was pissed off at me and he wasn't, and I viciously had a go at him, as I was hurt and didn't feel I'd done anything wrong. He was actually not pissed at me, and I had spewed verbal sodium hydroxide all over him for no reason....

I would prefer a much more androgynous society, but would still appreciate some gender-type differences.

Same here! I think a lot of traits suit both males and females, like being quite lean and wiry, or very angular facial features. The conventional idea of beauty - soft bodied female with big boobs, 6ft super-athlete male, just strikes me as a bit weird...

Did any of you ever have trouble with emotional aspects of relationships; for instance, trouble with confrontational atmospheres with "heavy" emotions? Or did any of you feel uncomfortable, or perhaps unable to put the right-sounding emotion to the words "I love you"...or maybe had trouble expressing some emotions, even if you felt them when the person wasn´t there...but maybe "in the moment", couldn´t quite express them?

Did/do any of you feel truly unsure about what you felt/feel at all? (I guess we´ve established the fact that some of us did...)

Was anyone ever told that they were "too logical"? Or "not emotional enough"?

Do you feel that you express/ed your emotions often enough for your partner? (Example: I read, in a book by Tony Attwood that NT people expect daily affirmations of love. I thought that sounded quite excessive, and I´m pretty sure I´ve never done that. But at the time that I was in relationships, it never occurred to me that I might not be doing "enough").

All the time. Not only am I hopeless at expressing what I am feeling even in the unlikely event event I am aware of what that is, I have been accused on countless occasions of expressing feelings, through tone and expression, that are completely at odds with how I am feeling. I cannot project feeling accurately through voice or facial expressions - sometimes I am close but totally missing the subtleties; more often, what you see bears no relationship to what is going on inside.




This is my normal state. I can recognise only the strongest and most primitive emotions in "real time"; identifying other feelings usually takes a removal from the situation followed by hours to days of reflection. And that's still for fairly strong feelings. Subtle or complex emotions are elusive to me.




Not emotional enough. People seem to believe that this is a choice.




Every day? Can you say "overkill?" Other than at-least-weekly affirmations that are actually verbal rituals, true and original expressions love are rare, taking the form of doing "nice little things." I'm still trying to figure out just what "love" is, and whether I genuinely experience it.

and this is the kernel of autism...
the disparity between the inner and the outer -- and never the twain shall meet...or if they do, it occurs by accident or by chance, so the replication of it becomes difficult. I thnk we are amazing to even learn any social scritping whatsoever,and then pull off anything, given this mismatch of the inner world and the outer expression of how we might feel.

i think it all comes down to this.
and multi-tasking or its impossibility (!) as stated earlier.

thanks melissa17b.

The heavy emotions displayed by others were always negative. They would send me into shutdown, which would further irritate the other, and things would go into a negative spiral of misunderstanding and mistreatment. Most react to muteness and shutdown as though you're being manipulative, or become very afraid (and react with aggression).



All kinds of emotions, as well as simple communication sometimes. I could not express love because I didn't feel it, but, when I did feel strong emotion (positive or negative), I'd freeze and become extremely frustrated as a result; it would remain locked within. Also, for many years, I couldn't defend myself using aggression, and when I learnt how when others were aggressive, it improved my safety.



I was told I was infuriating for my use of logic and always winning logical arguments. I was also told by the person I did everything I could for that I treated them like furniture. Some expressed how they wanted me to open up. I thought I had, but was mistaken. My anxiety conditions ensured I did display some forms of emotion, but not the type desired.



No; and that includes both positive and negative.