Anyone Here Want Kids or Trying to Conceive?

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I don't think anyone is making her explain herself. She is, however, choosing to rationalize her behavior in response to our arguments. Part of offering quality support is not blindly agreeing when someone is attempting something that is detrimental to the health or safety of herself or others. I'm sure we all hope she sees an improvement in her situation. What we are trying to do is to persuade her that improving the situation before bringing a new life into the world is a much better idea than getting pregnant and hoping things will get better.

What does that mean?

Shaybugz is not a single mother. She is married and has a husband who is equally responsible in the making of a child with her. I don't know if he is NT or not, but they are both still living with her abusive mother, and I am concerned about their financial ability/stability.

Shaybugz is an adult who is capable of making her own decisions. There are many women who have children under less than ideal circumstances and manage to do fine. If she is committed to loving her child and this is her dream, there is nothing wrong with that.

She has said she will move out by time the baby is born. I just hope she manages to do that, as first trimester can be brutal and third trimester might make it hard to find a place to live (some landlords are not interested in signing a lease and having wailing babies as tenants dealing with noise complaints and the tenants' unstable finances).

I would try to make the move before pregnancy, Shaybugz. It will be easiest on everyone, especially a baby. But good luck on achieving your dreams!

Last edited by mikassyna on 08 Aug 2013, 9:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

Mikassyna: Thank you! As far as we know hubby is totally NT. He does well enough at "socially guiding" me anyways. We've had a lot of discussions over if we could handle a chid or not. He knows by trying, he's commiting to just as much, if not more than I am, since I might have times where I'm in a meltdown and he has to take care of not just the child, but me as well. He understands this well, and we feel circumstances aside (which we won't be in when the child is born) we're at a point where we can handle it... now just anxiously waiting. Which has to be the worst part yet.

Shaybugz, if at all possible use this time now to work on constructive coping mechanisms because meltdowns in front of a child can be confusing and very destabilizing to them, emotionally and psychologically. They pick up on your stress and (in)ability to handle it and that definitely affects them, often detrimentally. Especially in the first year when you are sleep deprived, you need a support system in place so you can get adequate rest, because having a baby is VERY hard if your coping skills are shoddy as it is, and PostPartumDepression is a very real possibility when you are exhausted. Make sure you have a plan in place, and a good doctor who will prescribe some helpful medications if you need it.

I am working on them. For teh most part I do pretty good. They got pretty frequent for a while, but lately I seem to be more in control. I grew up with my mother (not autistic but likely has borderline personality disorder) having meltdowns/fits and I would never, ever, in a million years do that to a child. At the very least, if I really can't control a meltdown, I would be sure to leave the room. But I'm working on coping stuff so that they are much more controllable. It's a fear I have though, losing that control. Hubby says I'm doing a lot better with it though.

The real test will be when you can't leave the room, you're alone, you're exhausted, and the kid won't stop crying and you can't get away from the crying or shut it out and the guilt and the frustration well up inside like a volcano, and it is hours and your husband won't be home for another five hours... and this happens several times a day for months on end. It is the feeling that it will never end... but it does... yet your mind plays tricks on you when you're under that much stress and you don't reason very well.

I should have gone on antidepressants after I had my first son, but I was too B&W thinking that I *had* to forego meds because I was determined to breastfeed for a full year AND work full-time despite the toll it was taking on me, because I couldn't/wouldn't veer from the script... and now every day he explodes in anger I think I'm the one who caused it and I'm wracked with guilt. Whether or not he would have had that temperament anyway due to his PDDNOS, I'm not sure, but I still beat myself up over it every day. You don't want to live like that. It's hell. I love my child to pieces but it was a terrible time. My coworker told someone that I was the unhappiest looking first time mother she ever saw. I never even realized how obvious it was until someone else told me years later.

I am not ganging up on her, I am desperately trying to make her see that she's not making choices based on the situation, she's making them impulsively based on her own, desperate need.

I recall reading on another thread that your husband wasn't on board with trying to conceive. If he is trying to socially guide you into making good decisions, I think this is one of the times you should listen to him. At least wait until you can get some medical support for all the different needs you are going to face, be then mental, physical, prenatal or postnatal.

@shaybugz If you are pregnant or trying to get pregnant, work on getting out of the house and move somewhere else on your own with your husband.

If you are pregnant, work on getting some health insurance. I am not sure about your state but here in Oregon, we have something called CareOregon and if you're pregnant, you sign up for it and it is a lot of work and they will make your try and file for unemployment and then you have to send them the rejection letter, and you may have to pay for your first appointment and also look into if they have any discounts for people based on their income. Some places do discounts on health bills for low income people or don't charge them at all and it's all based on income.


Also have you ever talked to any teen moms? The ones I have asked about being a parent, they all say it's tough and they can't hang out with their friends after school or do any school activities because they have to work to support their child. It's like they have no childhood anymore because they have to be an adult because they are a mother now. I knew then this was not the lifestyle I wanted and no way was I ready for it. Sure there are ones out there who do luck out because their own parents decide to watch their kid for free while they go to school and they buy everything for the child but that is not the way it is for most teens. If my own got pregnant under age, I would sure damn well make it tough for them too, they have to get a job, they would have to support their own child and hire a baby sitter. I think teen is way too young to have a baby. My mom would have made it this tough for me too if I had one in high school.


@mikassyna ETA stands for edited to add.

Thanks but what does "It looks like we have a catfish on the boards" mean?

There was some drama, now removed, with shaybugz stalker saying shay was lying to us.
Since shay has been here for long enough I think its safe to assume we should trust her word over what some online stalker she has said and I removed all the posts questioning her motives(catfish is how people refer to those that create a fake persona over the internet, it has to do with online dating but then again people misuse terms all the time and thats ok)

LeagueGirl- We really are working on getting out of here ASAP. We have been saving back money, and it's probably enough to pay first month's rent and despoit now, but that's it. Which my husband doesn't think it would be smart to move out until we have a little more. I'm not sure I understand the thing about teen moms, as I am not, nor have I been for a while, a teenager though. I am aware of what having a kid entails, and both my husband and I now believe we can handle it.

SailorMoon: My husband wasn't on board for a very long time, but he is now and it's not by my forcing the issue. We are very good as discussing things at length and talking to one another without pressuring (I'm a Christian, he's an athiest. We are both OK with this). What happened, without getting too personal in details, was that he was mainly against it because he felt he couldn't be a dad (he emphsized over and over again he has/had no reservations on my ability to be a mother, despite the fact that I have/had some off and on) because his dad was never there for him. His mom and dad divorced when he was just born, and his dad was an idiot and kidnapped the kids on his weekend with them, and promptly lost all visitation rights. Now, I don't think my father in law was that great of a guy, before the divorce he cheated on my mother in law throughout the full marriage and had just as many kids outside the marriage as in it, but my husband noted a large missing part of his life, namely his dad, and has had a lot of "daddy issues" since. The first being an inability to connect with or handle having a father-in-law, because he feels intimidated by men. The other large issue was not having had any example, good or bad, to follow, he felt he could never be the dad the kid deserves.
I say felt because my husband's biological dad passed away this year (something that I am sure is also likely mentioned on one of my posts here) and my husband went down to say his last good byes, meet the family his dad created without him (some of the sons and his dad's girlfriend and some dogs mainly) and that was very healing for him. He no longer resents his father, and while he's still scared, another event coinsided with this one that changed the status of our trying to have a child.

Around the same time my father-in-law passed away, my one of my older full-blood brother in laws (there's 4 of them and the one in question is the 2nd-youngest, my hubby being the youngest) managed to get his girlfriend of a full month pregnant. He told my hubby "I'm gonna be a dad! I can't believe it!" and was just all excited. Now, my other, older brother in laws have children as well, but they are very much sperm doners. One of my brother in laws is now in prisn for 20 years for accidental manslaughter, so he won't be a part of his sons' lives, and hasn't really been anyways between jail and getting married to someone else and running off to another state. The other father in my group of brother in laws isn't any better. But the one that got his (now ex) girlfriend pregnant, he has no intention of staying out of the baby girl's (I guess I'll have to just accept that... I'm not psyched at all that his ex-girlfriend gets the first girl grandbaby... btu that's a rant for another post) life. He'll be a good dad, just like my hubby will. Anyways, the combination of my hubby's biological father passing, and his brother becoming on the way to be a father and talking to my hubby about how excited he was and how despite his dad not really being there, and the other brothers being horrible dads, he's going to be in that kids life and love her to pieces, my husband was able to get over his issues, and came to me and said he was on board with trying.

Spongy: Thank you for giving me the benefit of a doubt. I do not lie about who I am, and if there were any way to substantially proove that I would. I guess the coherrent pieces of my posts will just have to speak for themselves.

shaybugz, I'm sorry to say that this is nowhere near enough to support yourselves living independently AND have a baby. It's not even enough for two people. With that little, you're going to have a seriously bad time. You have to pay moving expenses (which I imagine aren't going to be much since you said you live in a bedroom (?). Since you're living with someone else, you most likely don't have basic furniture, cleaning supplies, etc.; you'll need to buy these. You'll need to pay for gas/electricity/water (depending on where you are), and TV and internet (if you choose to have it). You have to buy food (perhaps you can get food stamps if you don't have them already?) You will need to pay for transportation (do you have a car? That's gas, insurance, repairs and maintenance, payment...do you ride public transportation? That's bus/train/cab fare.) You need to pay for hygiene items--soap, shampoo, toilet paper, etc. Add a baby into the mix, and you will likely need to buy extra furniture; you'll also need diapers and wipes (lots of them!!), clothes, toys, various care items. You may occasionally need child care (I'd hope you wouldn't leave your baby with your abusive grandmother). And, of course, health insurance!! I used to work for a health insurance company. The costs of care with insurance can be staggering, let alone without insurance. Stars forbid you have an emergency or need medication. You will very quickly spiral into debt and deeper poverty that way. What about unexpected circumstances? Any number of things can pop up. And what about saving some sort of cushion for when you're elderly? You spoke of wanting to be around for your children/grandchildren when you're older, but I know from first hand experience that having a parent in utter poverty is heart-breaking and stressful.

No one is saying that you have to amass a fortune first; there are many ways you can save money. However, you do need to have some money, and it is incredibly irresponsible to be trying to conceive a baby you cannot properly support. And you cannot properly support a child with only a deposit and one month's rent in the bank. I would hope that your plan isn't just to live by the grace of the government. I'm not being judgmental here: I mean, the future of welfare/WIC/SNAP/Medicare/etc. isn't optimal and might not remain adequate in the future with inflation and program changes.

I do understand the biological clock/deep desire for a baby. While I was neutral on children, I did go through a (thankfully brief) period when I too desperately wanted a baby. You must be able to separate want from need. By the way, people can absolutely be a special interest. Pregnancy and baby obsession is common among neurotypicals...it can become fiercely intense in an autistic brain. Look at yourself objectively and consider that this desire may not be what you think it is (despite its longevity). To be clear, I'm neither judging you nor expecting you to defend yourself. But what I said is the tough truth, and you need to hear it. I do think you are letting your heart rule your life, when you should be using your head. I'm glad that your husband sees the need for more financial responsibility; please listen to him.

I have a 5 year old child, and I know the expenses that can creep up. Coupled with the other problems you're facing, pregnancy right now could be disastrous. No one is saying don't ever have a baby. No one is saying life needs to be perfect. But there are basic minimums you need to meet in order to ensure the health, safety and well-being of your child. If you can't do that for yourself, how could you think that you could do it for your baby? Again, I'm doubting neither your love for your future child nor your sincerity as a future mother. I'm just hoping that you'll think rationally.

Last edited by gretchyn on 08 Aug 2013, 2:41 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Thanks for clarifying. I never came across that term before and I figured it was something negative but also wasn't sure who it was referring to.

Gretchyn: Actually, we have all the furniture/accessories needed to be on our own. We in fact were on our own, until I had to quit my job because I couldn't handle it anymore. We didn't sell our stuff, it's just packed away in the basement for whenever we can move on. And as I said, my husband and I are working to save up more. We won't pay moving expenses though, as my family has trucks and such to move us from one place to another, and they care enough at least to actually help with such costs. We will need some money for utilities, and this is another thing that we are focusing on. We own our car outright, and are aware of the expenses that it brings.

My husband has been trying to secure a full time job. He's done so several times and for no fault of his own it does not last. Currently he's back in the process of trying to secure another full time job. The economy here sucks, but we do what we can.

We're aware of the very poor state of government funded programs as well, and really are not relying on that. I never said my child will be able to have anything and everything that he/she wants, but he/she will be provided for. We are very good at making very little amounts of money work. Unfortuantely, can't do that with rent because it's just something that you have to have a decent amount of money to even meet minimals of.

So...neither of you has a job? And you think you're all financially set to raise a family? That's some seriously flawed thinking.