Family member doubting my Dx based on knowing a boy with it

Post Reply New Topic

I've recently been Dx'd with Asperger's and I'm having a hard time right now. A family member has a nephew with AS and she has a hard time buying that I have it. The thing is, he's a kid and she didn't know me until I was an adult (cousin's wife), also, from what I've seen, Aspie males and females are often a bit different. Feeling upset that she could reject this based on knowing one boy with AS. Both my parents, and my uncle (her father-in-law), who all spend a lot of time with me, all agree it's me "to a T." My uncle exclaimed, when I explained it to him, "That's not just you, that's classic you!" I just, today, told everyone on my facebook, and that's how she found out. My parents have known for a while now. Now, because of her reaction, I'm worried that I'll get a big negative reaction on this from other people, based on the same reason (someone knowing a boy or man with it, and thinking that if I don't look like that one person, I don't have it).

I havnt been diagnosed but I tried explaining to my mother how I have been researching it and it matches who I am. She tried telling me that she didnt think I was right because our 7yr old cousin has it and I dont act like him. I tried explaining the spectrum to her but I think she thought I was crazy. Most people will never understand the spectrum unless they are on it

I hate when that happens. I have a friend who thinks I can't have Aspergers because the doctors thought one of her family members had it and I'm not like him.... only he didn't have it. He quite obviously have something far more serious than Asperger's... Sigh.

Yet another person who knows one person with it (another nephew) made a comment like that, so I deleted my post and am having a meltdown (yup, right now-- I can hardly type). She doesn't think I can have it because she and I were close growing up. Never mind that almost all the other kids tortured me for wetting my pants almost every day until 5th grade, her nephew has it and she and I were friends. Never mind that by the time I was 10, the two kids I played with most were three and four, respectively. Never mind that I have zero friends now, as an adult, and haven't for years and years. Never mind that I'll spend all my money on books (my interest), and spend the rest of the month happily eating nothing but potatoes and onions. Never mind everything, I don't look like their nephews. This really sucks.

being abnormal = bad
being diagnosed with a recognized disorder = cause for shame, especially in a blood relative

People might react better if you'd given them specific descriptions of AS than to throw the term in their face, but I still wouldn't expect anyone to really get it.

I posted links to several sites and asked people to contact me with any questions. I also did explain quite a lot (had to post my status and use up a few comments at the time I posted just to fit it all due to character limits). I didn't just say "I have asperger's" and leave it at that. Not at all. But I don't rock dramatically, I don't bang my head, and I did have a couple close friends (I don't fit the only things they think of-- I'm not disparaging anyone who did do those things, just saying that this is all they think of when they hear the word), but those friends didn't go to school with me, they only saw me at home (a very controlled environment). In general I didn't develop "appropriate" peer relationships, I didn't at all when not under my mother's watchful gaze and frequent intervention.

The problems are that he's a boy and he's a kid. He'll never be like you. I fired my neuropsych for this reason (well and he was an inappropriate a-hole who kept grabbing at me and wouldn't return my e-mails). His son has AS. He's about 10, I guess from the pictures in his office.

Thank you all, reading your comments helped a lot. I've came to the conclusion that I should look at the positive, and that is the fact that the people who know me best recognized that this actually is it, not just that it somewhat resembles the struggles I've had, but that it captures them perfectly, that this is me.

I've been thinking a lot over the past hour or so about a comment my mother made yesterday, while we were having a big conversation about Asperger's and me. She pointed out that this explains one of the hardest parts of raising me-- not there being something "wrong" or "bad" about it or me, just that it was difficult because she didn't know why (now she does and is relieved to finally know)--and it speaks to the bottom line, with me, of social disconnectedness. She told me that when I was around 14-16 she and I had been having an argument, and what frustrated her was, despite the fact that I could verbally argue with her, and we could interact, she couldn't reach me. She couldn't, at all, get inside me and understand what was going on internally. That frustrated her. In short, there was a wall there, and one that had always been there. Then she told me that she talked to my dad that night (and this is where it really struck me), and told him that she could only deal with my behaviors. That's all there was that she could reach. What struck me so much was that feeling she expressed of not being able to get inside me (apparently NT's can do that with each other-- get inside and understand their motivations and emotional states, the things that lead up to the behaviors), and that is precisely how I feel about other people-- I can't get in, I can only deal with their behaviors. In explaining myself to her that way, by pointing out that her inability to "get inside" me was just like my inability to get inside anyone else, she can understand better how it feels from my end, it's the same type of feeling she had with me, only instead of just one person, I have that feeling with everyone.

What I guess I'm getting at, is that while people who sort of know me, or knew me only while interacting with me in a very controlled environment 15-20 years ago, may balk at the idea due to preconceived notions of what this is, for those who "know" me best, those who spend the most time with me, this is giving them a refreshing explanation, one that fits and has already led to better understanding and better communication. That's enough, it has to be.

This is what is frustrating about Asperger's, whenever someone knows of someone with autism or Asperger's... and then they try to compare.

Yup. When you meet someone on the spectrum, you've only met that one person. Each person with AS, much like each NT, is different. You can't generalize a whole group of people based on the one you know. A lot of people say "No way!" when I tell them I'm AS. Those who are familiar with it believe me right off the bat and explain it to the nonbelievers. :/