Oh dear.. Gave guy the wrong impression

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I know there's a topic on inadvertantly flirting that's already being discussed.. but wasn't sure if this one would count as being one step up from accidental flirtation as I went on a date with the guy? Even though I wasn't entirely sure it was date that I had agreed to.

Met this guy about a month ago in a local pub. I've just moved to the area and it was nice to have a wee chat with someone who wasn't twice my age! We had a wee chat and a giggle (alcohol was involved) and swapped numbers, to cut a long story short we went out for dinner lastnight. Ended up getting pretty drunk.. and even though I wasn't attracted to him I have this horrible habit of not wanting to offend the person I'm with, so we ended up kissing. I just kind of went along with it.. Sounds really harsh to admit to, but I just enjoy kissing in general so it was kind of fun. Obviously he's now going to think I'm interested in him and wants to see me again. I don't know how to tell him that I just don't fancy him.

This kind of happens to me every time I'm single, I just want to make new mates but seem to end up with guys who are obviously after something a bit more than that. I never realise until it's too late and he's tried it on with me, then I get left confused as I thought we were just friends, but also too strangely polite to hurt his feelings and reject his advances?!

Any advice on how to let this guy down? And how do you avoid going out on these accidental dates? I just want some guy mates!

Any advice would be much appreciated

Lise x

I used to do a similar thing. I did it because the only way I got any attention from anyone was guys who were interested in being intimate with me (I am socially awkward, yet good-looking on a purely physical scale).

Stop going on dates or kissing them. Tell them up front that you're not looking for a relationship and just want to be friends.

Realize that there is nothing "polite" about letting a guy do whatever he wants to you that you find objectionable. You then find yourself in a bind for apparently leading him on in the first place, with him mistaking your intentions. If you can't say "no" that is not about being polite/impolite but about setting boundaries and asserting yourself. Lots of women struggle with being assertive and there are a lot of helpful articles to help you with assertiveness and setting boundaries.

Finally, you may want to lighten up on the alcohol. That only lowers both your own and the guy's inhibitions and you could easily wind up being raped. I really wouldn't want that to happen to you.

First thing you have to do when you meet a guy is to tell them you are not interested in dating and you are only interested in friends and that you will go out as friends, not as a date.

No kissing or hugging or holding hands because those imply you like them in a romance way. That means no sex either.

You're going to get a lot of responses saying you shouldn't be kissing guys you don't want things to go further with, and there is a point to that, but if you just like kissing and don't feel like it should mean anything beyond itself, that's a fair position to take, as long as you make it clear that that's the case. People make assumptions. They shouldn't, but they do. So the only way to avoid misunderstandings based on assumptions is communication.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9iSlPoQm2XY[/youtube]
The only thing you can do if you wanna be kissing people without giving them ideas is probably, unfortunately, to tell them upfront what your deal is before you start kissing them.
It's not your fault that they make assumptions, it's more the fault of how subtext-based romance/flirting/sex/et.c. is in society. But it's not likely to change, so the only way to fight inference isn't to simply not imply, but to state outright your intentions and lack thereof.

ETA:
Then of course there's also the option of not going on dates with and kissing guys you're not romantically or sexually interested in. Make it clear that every activity is as friends.

The other point is that when you say 'no' you have to say it with confidence and mean it. You also have to stop him trying to carry on kissing you. Softly saying 'no' but letting him carry on anyway (or even participating) is sending mixed messages. A guy like that is being told 'no' and 'yes' at the same time. If you want to put a stop to something, say so.

Thanks guys for the quick replies

I'm kinda new to the whole dating scene.. Was in a serious relationship on/off for about 7 years so I've not had much experience when it comes to all the rules of dating and stuff.

I know it's daft and I do kind of realise I might be leading the guy on.. at the same time I think to myself I'm not going to know if I like the guy until we've had a little smooch.

I'd love to get to know guys a bit better before it gets all weird and he tries to make a move. I've never tried the whole "let's just be friends" from the outset approach because I always just assume that me being friendly is just that, but apparantley I have a bad habit of letting guys think I'm interested because I'm enjoying their company and having a laugh with them.

Going to be a lot more direct in future! Any ideas what I should do with the current situation? He lives about an hour away and I don't want to go as far as arranging to meet up with the guy again to tell him I'm not really interested, is it a bit insensitive to let him know my feelings by text message?

Thanks again!

Loved that tune by the way If only it were appropriate to burst into song in real life!